- 5 years ago
So this is a dummy account. Here’s a novel:
A little bit of background, in my earlier years I had a long term relationship that was all kind of dysfunctional. We were both kind of stupid, honestly. To sum it up, I felt like he never really appreciated me, he was kind of mean, he was too controlling, he was harsh, and honestly I don’t like the things he said to me. He didn’t take me out. We were kind of on, kind of off. We both have different takes on what happened, on when we were actually together and not and so forth. Despite all that, I loved him more than anything and just wanted him to love me as I did him. I never thought he even thought I was that attractive, as he’d say things that were too honest. Anyway, I was devastated when he broke things off, despite our problems.
So the years passed and finally I felt a bit more ok with the idea of dating. But that wasn’t panning out well either. I don’t find most men interesting, frankly, and I don’t make it easy. I had some feelings for one gentleman, but he turned out to be no good so that never went anywhere anyway.
Meanwhile, my ex had totally changed. He grew up a bit, became nicer, and made it his life’s mission to win me back. I wasn’t particularly entertained by that idea, but I agreed to let him try if he wanted, but told him it may be that nothing would come of it. Turns out, he really is pretty great at that point. I still wasn’t ready emotionally to feel that way about him though. I told him so and I told him we were not dating. It was like, in my heart I knew how much I still cared about him, and i could see how he changed, but it was too scary. Too much to let me actually feel interested in being together. He was still my best friend though.
Meanwhile, I fell in love with someone else. He made me feel beautiful. Everything was fun and grand. We talked all the time and saw each other frequently. I was really happy to finally have what it was I was craving. I shared so much with him, which I normally do with no one. It was so good.
Then, it turned out he wasn’t so good. I found out about some things he had said to someone that made some of those magical times…. much less magical. He betrayed me.
So I broke it off with him and eventually turned back to my ex. He knew I was hurting, but he was supportive and kind. I knew how awful he thought the other guy was, but he was good about keeping his trap shut. Ex became SO again.
I still had to see the second guy regularly, and it was fairly unpleasant. But there was a lot of awkward tension and I ended up making a mistake. I cheated on my SO with the crummy betrayer. I honestly would have never seen myself doing that ever.
So it comes to pass that I tell SO. I tell him he can leave me, but he insists we should work on it. At first, it’s all fine and good. Emotional talks and so forth, but productive. I told him I’d do whatever he needed to feel okay. It was good, despite being so not good.
A bit in, we got into some fights. He said some things that I don’t know how to forget about. They were probably said in anger, but. I don’t feel attractive to him. Not after that point.
I feel like I’m drifting farther and farther away. He feels it too.
To top it off, I’ve never been able to forget about the crumbum betrayer. I think about him every day. Sometimes I think of him with apathy or anger, but sometimes it’s unbearable how much I still wish I could see him. I’ve changed jobs since then, so I won’t see him unless by chance.
I know logically I do not love that guy. I know I want what he made me feel and what I hoped could have been.
I just want to get things back on track with SO. I just feel like I will always be the person who ‘ruined’ the relationship, even if he doesn’t say it. I don’t feel attracted to him as much, and I don’t feel attracted to him. I want to be around him and hang out, but not be intimate. I know that’s bad.
Has anyone recovered from an infidelity?
How do I forget that crummy guy?
I really don’t have a lot of experience with this, so I know I sound like an idiot. I guess if nothing else, I just wanted to say what I’m feeling to someone, since I really don’t have anyone to talk to in real life.