(Closed) I am the MOH, but I can't attend the whole bachelorette party

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I JUST went through this on Saturday. I didn’t go to the bar with the bride because I don’t drink and had to get up early for church on Sunday. I told her beforehand and she was fine with it. She was upset but understood. Be honest. It shouldn’t be a big deal if she is really your best friend.

Post # 4
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@lalamcbee:  I’m so sorry this happened to you last year. Does the bride know? If so, in sure she will understand. If she doesn’t, she might be a bit pissed at you, but at the end if the day, you have to do what you have to do. But you are NOT being a bad Maid/Matron of Honor or friend!

Post # 5
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would just tell her upfront.  The sooner the better, and I can’t imagine she would be too upset. 

Post # 6
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

1. I’m sorry for what you went through! and 2. I think when you’re hosting an event you’re allowed to bring a guest of YOUR choosing…he’s your SO and it doesnt matter (to me) if the groom and him and met or not.


If it were me, I would bring my SO and then leave the event before everyone got to the club. Also, since yall are bffs, can’t you just not go to a club? go somewhere else as a group?

Post # 7
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@seabunny:  Agreed, if you’re hosting the event you get to bring who you want. You definitely don’t have to go to the club. If the bride knows, she should totally understand you not wanting to be in this situation. If she doesn’t, do you feel comfortable telling her? You don’t have to explain yourself though.

My Maid/Matron of Honor is missing the first half of my bach because her mom is graduating from seminary. I totally understand and told her it’s no big deal.

Post # 9
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I really don’t think the bride should get angry over this.  I think you have been very reasonable and a good friend.

Post # 10
7647 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

You have done a LOT for the bride with the bachlorette party, and you will be there for her. I would hope that if she is your friend she would understand the very sensitive reason of why you can’t go to the club, so I would be honest and tell her.

Post # 11
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013


I am so sorry that happened to you last year. I agree with the other pp here that you should get to choose your own date when you’re hosting the event! If the bride can’t be understanding about why you can’t go to the club, she doesn’t deserve to have you as her Maid/Matron of Honor.

If ANYONE at a wedding should get a +1, it’s the Maid/Matron of Honor. I can’t believe they’re not letting your bf come for dinner at the reception. Especially since it sounds like you’ve been the most amazing and generous Maid/Matron of Honor they could ask for.

Post # 12
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @lalamcbee:  first and foremost, I see you are NEW to WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

Wow… you sound like a very invovled Maid/Matron of Honor… the Bride is lucky to have you.

You obviously have put a lot of time, effort and consideration (not to mention money into the mix)

I am a bit of an Etiquette Snob… comes in part with my age (over 50) and the fact that I’ve used it a lot in my job.  So I thought I’d make a few comments on your post

# 1 – The Nightclub Couples Party (Bachelor / Bachelorette) Evening sounds nice enough… not sure if you are the Host (you said “helped pay for”) but you most certainly should be able to bring your Boyfriend or Best Friend as it is a Couples Event, and you are one of the Bridal Party Members… and of course I assume everyone is paying their own way anyhow (except for the B&G).  AND YES IF you are the Host, then most certainly this shouldn’t be a Question whatsoever.  You Host you make the rules.

So long story short… from an Etiquette POV the Groom is WRONG.

# 2 – I am sorry for the traumatic situation you found yourself in a year ago (( HUGS )) to you.  So I very much get why you might feel apprehensive about this upcoming Event.  If the Bride knows the background, then she should be more than willing to work with YOUR NEEDS in this situation (afterall being the Maid/Matron of Honor to me means you guys are BFFs*)

So yes, if you need to go certainly do so.  It is understandable.

* Also, all the more reason that your Boyfriend or Best Friend should come along to this couple’s party… as your support whether you decide to stay or go at the Nightclub (leave alone ?).  Seriously the Bride here needs to be more aware of your potential plans … forget what The Groom said, you need to have a heart-to-heart chat with the Bride…

# 3 – Your Boyfriend or Best Friend at the Wedding.  Again an Etiquette faux-pas by the B&G.  Anyone in the Bridal Party, willing to stand up for them and their relationship in public (or before God)… which is essentially WHAT YOU ARE DOING gets a Plus One period.  So don’t feel bad about any of that… you absolutely should have your Boyfriend or Best Friend at the Wedding.

The B&G are WRONG to make you feel otherwise.

# 4 – Lingerie Party for the Bride.  As the Maid/Matron of Honor your obligations are such that you will try to make ALL the parties… BUT that doesn’t mean that you truly have to.  Send your polite regrets (and a gift if you choose… not an obligation if you aren’t going).

As for the bit about the MOB & Sis not being invited to this event … to be honest… the Host in this case the MOG gets to decide whom she wishes to invite.  Altho often both sides of the family cross-mingle prior to the Wedding it is not a requirement.  Less so at this type of event… in that perhaps the Bride would feel most uncomfortable having her Mom at a Lingerie Party (maybe she made the request).  But in any case, it isn’t an usual thing, or necessarily RUDE.

Thought you’d appreciate knowing.

Hope this helps, and I see you around WBee again in the future,


Post # 13
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I really think it’s rude of the bride and groom to not allow your boyfriend to come, and that you don’t get a +1 for the whole wedding, but whatever. One issue at a time. I think that if you are so close to this friend that you are her Maid/Matron of Honor then you should 100% be honest with her and she should be a loving, caring, supportive friend. If she is any less than a loving, caring, supportive friend then there is something wrong. 

Post # 16
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@lalamcbee:  The fact that you even have to ask irritates the piss out of me.


Of COURSE you don’t go! If you are not comfortable with something for any reason, especially a good reason like yours, do not go.  You do not owe anyone, *including the bride* and explanation.  That is a very, very personal bit of information.  Simply say “I cannot make it to the nightclub portion” and leave it at that. She/anyone else is rude if they pry.

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