Post # 1
One of my very dear friends asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and of course, I said yes, that I would love to be a bridesmaid. I asked her when the wedding was, and at that point, she wasn’t sure. 8 months later, after many ups and downs in her engagement, my friend contacted me in June and said she and her groom wanted to have their wedding on a date in midNovember of the same year and asked if that would work for me. I told her that I was terribly sorry, but that I was guaranteed to have exams at the time of her wedding. I said I would be more than happy to do it before or after the exams, but the date she had chosen would conflict with a set exam schedule in a very challenging program. I could not physically study for and complete my exams while also traveling out of state to attend her wedding and serve as a bridesmaid. It was an unfortunate set of circumstances, but since things were 5 months out from her wedding date, I hoped she would understand.
Unfortuantely, my friend had a very difficult time understanding why I could not get out of my exams to attend the wedding. I knew from prior experience that I would not be granted an extension or alternative exam date to attend the wedding (due to having tried to attend a cousin’s wedding the year before). However, my friend simply could not understand this and saw me as backing out and letting her down. We had a number of phone calls after that, going on for several months, in which she insisted that I was still a bridesmaid, and I told her not to count on me being a bridesmaid due to the exams.
Finally when the day of her wedding rolled around, I was unable to even attend due to exam and paper deadlines. This was unfathomable to her, and our friendship has not been the same since. I’m honestly not sure what to do about my friendship, and at this point, it looks like there’s nothing I can do besides show my friend that I care about her and still want to be her friend.
Honestly, I’m having a difficult time understanding why she is cutting me off for this. It’s true that she did not pursue higher education, and perhaps she has known other people who have had more flexible academic schedules, but I don’t understand why she wouldn’t take my word for it 5 months in advance that the date just wouldn’t work for me. :-/ Can anyone see something I should be doing for the friendship that I haven’t done?
Post # 3
@Miss Mochaccino: Sounds like she is being a bit of a bridezilla to me. The wedding will not be nearly as important as it is to the bride and groom, and they need to realize life goes on for everyone else. My friend was in a similar situation, where she had a bridesmaid fly out to France for her wedding, but when the bridesmaid got married a few years later my friend didn’t have the option to take time off of work to go. I would send a nice gift, and hope that she gets over her immaturity and not ruin the friendship.
Post # 4
She took the immature road, unfortunately. Any mature adult would be understanding that not everyone can put their lives aside to attend a wedding. Being a bridesmaid is a big committment, and while a bride would love to have those close to her stand up there with her, a bride should also understand what a big committment the bridesmaids have undertaken. It is sad that no matter what you do, she is not willing to listen and put your friendship above her selfish desires.
Since her engagment had so many ups and downs, it sounds like “drama” might be a mantra of hers anyway. I say go on with your life and hopefully she’ll come around someday, but if not, then you’re better off that you didn’t waste any more time on such a superficial friendship.
Post # 5
As a student, I totally understand where you are coming from. However, since she hasn’t been in your position, she probably just can’t relate. I have friends who haven’t gone to college and I have some issues with them just not getting what it’s like. At this point though, she should trust you as a friend and know that you would have been there if you could. Hopefully she will realize her selfishness. Otherwise, you are better off without her
Post # 6
I agree with PP.. people who haven’t been to college just don’t understand.. i’m in college myself and sometimes i have a hard time understanding how much my Fiance has to study (he’s in pharmacy school which is a lot tougher than undergrad in psychology which is what i’m doing) so yeah for people who don’t have to study they think it’s a lame excuse.. even my parents who never went to college don’t understand sometimes when i tell them i can’t go to a gathering or movie with them because i have to study.
Post # 7
@Au Jardin: Thanks!! Yes, I did send her a very nice gift, but I guess it didn’t smooth things over the way I hoped it would. I hate to say it, but it does seem like she became a bit of a bridezilla … you’re right. She even mailed me the bridesmaid dress and told me to have it altered several months after I said I couldn’t attend. She just wouldn’t believe I couldn’t do it. And this was so unlike any other side to her that I had ever seen. 🙁
@MadameTussaud: This makes me feel a bit better, thank you. I have always felt somewhat guilty after this bridesmaid episode, like I should have somehow found the super-human ability to make it happen despite the exams, but I know that in reality it was just not possible. I sometimes feel that problems are “with me” and not other people, so it really helps me to see other people say “yes, her behaviour was immature”.
Pandaboo and MsFahrenheit . . . it’s so true!! unless someone has been a student, the excuse “I need to study” sounds lame and nerdy. But the reality is we have been paying thousands upon thousands and sacrificing so much for degrees . . . and it really is possible to fail a program if you don’t do the work. 😉
Post # 8
@Miss Mochaccino: “She even mailed me the bridesmaid dress and told me to have it altered several months after I said I couldn’t attend. She just wouldn’t believe I couldn’t do it.”
Wow. I stand corrected, she is being a giant bridezilla. Trust me, this one is not on you, so go study for those exams and do well.
Post # 9
Definitely sounds like a case of bridezilla 🙁 I’m sorry you had to experience this and lose a friendship this way. I actually had a very similar situation happen. My childhood best friend kicked me out of the bridal party because I couldn’t come to most of the events, though I did tell her I’d be sure to be there for the wedding weekend. I was so upset after being kicked out and my classes were so tough that semester, that I ended up not attending altogether. Though I do regret that now, we did manage to repair our friendship (but it took a couple of years and required apologies from both sides – sounds like you’ve already apologized MORE than you should’ve).
Post # 10
She’s being bridezilla all the way! There isn’t much you can do, unfortunately, unless she gets over it. My SO has a best friend since grade school (a girl) who had a destination wedding six months after he ended his marriage. He told her he couldn’t afford to go (it was $3000 just for the ticket and resort stay), but was trying his best to save the money. With lawyer fees, rebuying things for his own home, rent, and a single income it couldn’t happen. She hasn’t talked to him since. I met him just after the wedding and we tried a few things to get her to talk to him, but she is adament (even two years later) that he could have figured a way to get there.
I think sometimes, unfortuately, you just have to wait for them to come to you (if you even want to wait based on her behaviour)
Post # 11
Im actually a bride with the same situation. 2 of my girls are in med school and can’t make it to most of the events… The wedding the can since it isn’t finals or anything. But I totally understand. I would always understand if they couldn’t and it wouldn’t impact our friendship at all!
It sounds like your friend seems to think this wedding is more important. Which it may be to her but it can’t impact your life!
It’s a little self centered and bridezilla.
Don’t feel bad… It def a test of friendship.
Post # 12
I’m so sorry. Your friend isn’t being fair. But my guess is that she simply doesn’t understand how difficult it is to pursue higher education in a challenging track. I’m currently working on my masters and I’ve lost several friends because I had to pick school over various events. Honestly, the best thing you can do is be honest, understand that she was sad not to have you be a part of it, and let her do her thing. You can’t make her understand, which is a bummer 🙁 If you’re serious about keeping this friendship, I’d send her a letter explanining yourself one more time (even though you already have). No need to apologize (you did nothing wrong) but you can tell her you love her and you are sad you couldn’t be a part of her big day. If she doesn’t respond to that? Her loss.
I feel your pain. My sister’s wedding happened to be on the Saturday before all of my finals were due. It was out of state and because of events, I had to travel Thursday-Sunday. I pretty much had to hate my life for the month before the wedding and do everything ahead of time. It took a lot of time and begging of my profs and I wouldn’t have done it for anyone but my sister haha.
Post # 13
I don’t feel like she is being reasonable at all! You told her so far in advance, but she wouldn’t listen to you. Have you guys talked at all about your friendship being strained since this incident?
Post # 14
Yeah, your friend was being a jerk. I don’t see what more you could have done, since you’ve sent a gift. I guess the only thing to do now is hope time will heal the wound?
I think weddings can completely unbalance some people’s brains. My friend recently announced that she was engaged and was getting married in 4 months’ time in India (! I’m based in the UK) and just refused to accept it when I explained that it would be pretty nearly impossible for me to attend the wedding. I’d love to go if I could but the more she hassles me about it, the less I feel like going!
Post # 15
I understand both sides of this, actually. One of my bridesmaids will be out of the country for most of our events because she’s in grad school, and I understand that…but the first thing she said to me was, “I asked my parents for a flight back for your wedding as my Christmas present.” She knew ahead of time, and she made accomodations.
I am also in grad school and working full-time. Maybe my program isn’t as competitive as yours, but I would have absolutely no problem missing 1 class and a weekend to go out of state for a wedding (and I have, a few times). My professors are understanding that people have lives outside of school, and are accomodating when there are legitimate reasons.
I can see how your friend could be really hurt by this. She asked you to stand beside her on the most important day of her life, you accepted, and then backed out. While you did have legitimate reasons, she may not understand your schedule demands, and she may not see how 5 months notice isn’t enough time for you. I think she may have blown this out of proportion, but I think there is some miscommunication/guilt on both sides.
Post # 16
Sorry your friendship has suffered because of this. Your both going through stressful times (her wedding planning/ you with study and exams), it’s destined to clash. Hopefully you can work out your differences once things reach back to normality again, but until then just give it a bit of time and space 🙂