(Closed) I bought a house and now I think it’s a mistake

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If nothing else at least the house is in your name. So that you could ask him to move out if you wanted, or if something happens, it’s clear who gets the house. 

Perhaps he will propose now that the house is in order and you don’t have to move again? Some guys don’t want to propose until their is a house. 

I really hope that it all works out and he comes to his senses and asks you to marry him.

Post # 4
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

It’s that old saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”. I think what you’re describing is our generations new version of this. Most people live together now, but buying a house is the big commitment. Darling Husband wanted to buy a house many moons ago and I refused until we were married, because I felt like we would have completed every milestone before actually being married and I hated the thought of it.  However, I think if you ask him to move out, it could cause huge issues.  I think I would have made sure that he was going to propose before I bought a house. Have you talked about getting married at all?

Post # 5
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Ugh. Unforunately, I see a lot of my friends doing this and wondering why their boyfriend hasn’t proposed. If you buy a house with a guy, live together, do all the things married couples do, he has no desire to marry you because in his mind he’s getting all the BENEFITS of marriage without the legal commitment. Why would he want to complicate things with a binding legal document? He knows it’s harder to cut ties if things don’t work out.

If marriage was a priority for me I’d never buy a house with anyone unless I was already married. I know it works out for a lot of people, but that’s too huge a step to not know I was going to be married to the person.

I normally hate timelines, but it might be time to discuss one. You’ve made the commitment and shown you’re serious about investing in this relationship, now he needs to do the same. If he’s unwilling to do that, it might be time to think about drafting an eviction notice.

Post # 6
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Would you consider asking him to move out?

I know that would be drastic, but if you’re feeling like nothing will ever change, and you’re not happy with the way things are … maybe something drastic needs to happen!

Post # 8
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I bought a house with my husband before we were engaged; however, in my mind it was the next step and just made sense. 

We discussed this and decided that we both wanted to own a house before spending money on a ring/wedding. We didn’t see a point wasting money on rent while spending money on one day or a piece of jewelry until we were owning. After we bought we also combined finances. 

The proposal took a little longer after moving in than I wanted but it was for financial reasons and I was happy with the level of commitment that we had, which was pretty much the same as marriage. He proposed after living 2 years in our house and we married after 3.

In my mind this should be a conversation that you both are continually having. An engagement is a commitment that both parties enter into not one person making the decision. You need to seriously talk about this with your Boyfriend or Best Friend and set out your expectations and his.

Post # 9
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@FMM: I see your side be there’s something very different in your statement than the OP’s You said WE boought OUR house. She bought that house and let him move in. He’s not attached to her in anyway. He can leave tomorrow with no consequences, therefore, he’s made no commitment to her. 

Post # 10
Member
4546 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you two need to sit down and have a serious talk. Let him know what your feelings are and see if you can dig deeper into why he hasn’t proposed yet. Does he not want to get married? Is it finances? Something else?

A question for you: Has he told you that he wants to marry you/ that he knows you are the one? Have you guys had a timeline talk yet?

Post # 11
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

@amy bee: Have you discussed your frustrations with him in a serious, direct way? I had some problems with the bf commiting and finally I sat him down and we talked. Our talk was pretty effective because of how I said what I said. I didn’t tell him that he needed to propose. I told him that “my life goals include marriage and children. I am 30 now and I want to be married and have kids by age 35. My reasons for wanting to do this include x, y and z.” Then I said, “I love you very dearly and I would love it if you could be part of my future but I understand if I have to go elsewhere to get what I want.” He responded “I want to marry you one day.” And then I asked “When? I need to have a timeframe.” He was able to give me a reasonable timeframe (this summer) and I was able to stay with him (thank god). But I was fully prepared to walk. Surprisingly, he actually seems psyched about the upcoming engagement now.

 

My point is to address it with him in a very serious but non-threatening way. Push him for a time frame but be sure to do it from your point of view. In other words, emphasize your goals and dreams and tell him you’d love it if he fit in to them, but if he doesn’t that’s ok too. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

You sound like a strong, successful, financially independent woman. So why does your bf have all the power in this relationship? It makes no sense that you would be the one to move out. He should move out, if anyone does. Also, why should a discussion of marriage trigger a fight? Sit down, lay out a timeline and prepare yourself mentally if thing don’t go as you want them to. He’s lucky to have you and it doesn’t sound as if he’s very respectful of your feelings.

Post # 15
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

As you said in your last comment, it just seems like a lot of excuses. How could it be so many things? and if it is that many why is he still in this relationship? Although, the fact that he said he wanted to be sure sound mature. At least he’s putting real thought into it and not just lettingyou pressure him. I think you need to decide wether you want him forever married or not, or if marriage is important to you.

Post # 16
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was worried over that too..  To the point I was actually going to hesitate buying a house together because of that dumb saying “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free” thing.  I think even during one of our arguments over getting engaged I told him “if you are worried about money, I’d rather not buy a house and get married instead”.  But we did go ahead and buy a house together, and I found out he put my name on the mortgage too, which I was surprised..  (because he was putting down the huge downpayment and I would be entitled to half the house if we split up).  At the time he said it was because I was a first time home buyer and I was able to save us a couple grand.  But I found out he actually already bought the ring and was planning on proposing so this was his way of committing us together..

But yeah you need to clarify with him what his priorities are and if he needs to accomplish something first before getting married.  Is interested in being on the mortgage too and being a home owner?  That might be one way to motivate him to take things to the next level..  Like if he wants to put money into renovations for the house (if any, just as an example)..  Explain to him how you feel and that you feel he is getting a good deal without committing and you don’t agree with that.  If you have told him before, what was his reaction?

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