Post # 16
@kay01:Agreed – perhaps because I did the same thing – with understanding (I think/thought) it would lead to marriage.
I think I have to go and read the orignal post which I have yet to do. Some people like to live together to see if they might kill the other person. My bf/SO and I bought a place without living together. Holy tough. A lot of people feel that that in itself shows committment, and it absolutely does (we both put equal amounts in the house)
It’s not a prison sentence – if things are not progressing after a year, you can always sell if need be.
Post # 17
Somebody who bait and switches proposal plans doesn’t sound like someone i’d want to buy a house with.
It also sounds like you guys aren’t communicating very clearly on both of your expectations about this process, or how it is making you feel. Specifically, it sounds like you aren’t actually communicating – at all – what all of this is doing to you. It’s your life and your marriage, too. You get a say in the timeline, too.
Post # 18
I may be the minority, but what’s the rush to get engaged? If you and your boyfriend know you’re going to be together in the end, than what difference does it make? Yes, I know, every girl wants her prince charming to propose, but honestly having a place to live is so much more important in my eyes. If both your names are on the mortgage, I would consider this a big step in the relationship. The engagement will come, I promise. Just be patient. Good luck and enjoy your new house!
Post # 19
I think I should have added more detail in my post. He has been talking marriage for about a year and a half. Very pro getting married. He had gone back to school (we will be 28 and 29 this year) so he had not graduated and wanted to wait until he was on his feet with a steady job and financialy stable. Well a long time later he graduated and after that he got a good job. Thats when he told me “soon”, and I know he already has the ring, its a family heirloom that has already been given to him and he has it in his safe in the house. Both his mother and him tell me told and actually talk about it openly when ever it comes up.
Low and behold CA has been hit very hard by the housing market crisis and the house we were renting gets foreclosed on. The bank offered us what they call “cash for keys” to vacate the property in a week and they give us $$$. We chose to do that, but since it was such short notice we opted to move in with his parents until we found a place.
So here is where we encountered our problem. He feels like if he is living with his parents he is not on his two feet (even though we are there by choice). He never communicated this to me, so all the while I was still anticipating a proposal. So originally we were going to rent a place and we would have been out of his parents house in a month or less. We looked at the market and realized that it would be cheaper to buy a house then actually rent one and we could use our cash for keys towards a downpayment. I found out about him wanting to wait till we were out of his parents house AFTER we had chosen to buy instead of rent. He has already told me if we had rented he would have already proposed. Though I really want a proposal I dont think it would have been the right choice for us to move again into an apartment so he could propose and then move again when we found a house.
He hasnt given me any reason to doubt he wont follow through with our agreement. Technically the count down hasn’t even started yet as we dont even officially have the house for another week. I am just feeling very stressed about being in this position.
@beena I am glad I found someone in the same situation! (though not happy we are in this situation) I think you are taking the right approach to all this and enjoying your time together. I agree that it is very important to live with a person before you get married. I can only hope I am able to relax and enjoy home ownership like you have once we move in 🙂 I hope you get your ring soon!
Thank you all for the posts and suggestions so far. I think you are all right…communication! I will have a sit down talk with him and try to set a timeline and make sure he is aware of and understands my expectations for a proposal. I have def. put myself in a situation where I dont have a lot of control (unless I propose! maybe I should!)
Post # 20
My fiance and I purchased our first home together 2 years ago. You see, I lived at home with my folks and he lived in an apartment. My parents did not want me to rent an apartment but Fiance and I wanted to live together. We started talking about purchasing a home and eventually found one we both loved. Before really searching though, my dad, mom, me and my fiance all sat and talked. My dad asked my fiance what his futures plans were and my fiance said he wanted to marry me.
The year we moved in was incredibly busy for us. Like everyone on here has said, its expensive to furnish, etc etc. After a year I started wondering when he’d actually pop the question. He always assured me he would. At the same time, I couldn’t complain too much since a house is a huge financial responsibility and we both just took it. I also couldn’t shake off the sad feeling that maybe he wouldn’t propose then what would we do? Obviously sell the place. But anyway.. he proposed last October, after 1.5 years of living together in the home we purchased together.
It’s not really advice, but more of just letting you know how it panned out for me. Good luck!
Post # 21
@BOSOX11: With all the new information, I’d say get the move over with first. That will be insanely busy and stressful. No need to worry about a proposal in addition to that. Then wait and see what happens. You say he hasnt given you any reason to doubt he won’t follow through with the agreement. That’s great! So what is the concern?
As far as the ‘soon’ goes, that is a very vague term that is open to subjective interpretation. While for you it could mean ‘tomorrow’, for somebody else it could mean ‘within a year’. I agree with the PPs who said that you need more and clearer communication.
Before we got engaged, hubby used to tell me he’d propose ‘soon’. I took it to mean that it would be within the next weeks or months and was anxious on every holiday or at every romantic guesture. Nothing happened. Eventually, I flat out asked him what his timeline was. Turns out he meant when he paid off his debt, ‘probably no more than two years’!!!
Post # 22
@BOSOX11: Thank you for taking the time to give us all this additional information.
I feel slightly differently then when I posted before.
Relax until at least 2 months after you are settled in the new place. Moving, unpacking, etc can really be stressful and hard. Try to enjoy this new adventure.
Having a candid conversation is always a good thing, but make sure it is an open discussion rather than a pressure session.
Good luck and congratulations on the new house!!!
Post # 23
I can totally relate to what you are going through. My SO and I bought our house together nearly 2 years ago now. We knew we were going to get married one day, had already lived together for a year, had a deposit and saw there was an opportunity to buy a house at a great price.
I knew at the time that buying a house meant putting our marriage plans on hold for a while, but I was comfortable with that as I knew we were on the same page for our future, and that buying a house was setting ourselves up for the future.
I understand it isnt for everyone, but I have never once regretted buying first! I love coming home at night to our home and for us getting married is really just going to be the public declaration to our friends and family. My SO tells me all the time that he already considers me his wife.
Good luck with the house! Try to just enjoy the excitement of buying your first home together, the home that you will come back to one day as husband and wife 🙂