(Closed) I broke off my engagement.. And need hope

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
7892 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I am sorry about the end of the engagement. It was smart for you two to realize your differences before marrying. It sucks now, but in time, I’m sure you’ll find your way and end up in a happier place. 

Post # 3
Member
4428 posts
Honey bee

I am so sorry. I can’t even imagine how hard that decision was to make. But I can tell you thought it through completely so try not to beat yourself up. Hugs.

Post # 4
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

thats heatbreaking, i have been in your position, and felt like i was literally going to die, i felt like you actually could die from a broken heart… but as the poster above said, lucky you did it now, before ending up in divorce with children… so heartbreaking either way though… but eventually the pain will go away and you will be happy… i know thats not what you want to hear but as i didnt… but its true…. 

Post # 5
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2027

View original reply
bellacorinne :  I’m sorry to hear this but if you felt these differences were too much it is better to have not added more, innocent, people to the situation.  I know that from experience.  Pain does subside and eventually you’ll realize why it was best for you. But I know none of that ever really makes someone feel better.

This actually reminds me of somethingmy mom, who is old school “I got married for life”, says ALL the time, “opposites might attract but it doesn’t mean they should be together”. I never really got that until I met my Fiance who matches my beliefs, morals, values, political views, same type of upbringing, etc. 100%. I knew other men who believed similar but there was always something there, or not there, that stood in the way and now I know why. I know there are people who can make it “work” but I’m not one of those people, neither is my Fiance.  If our relationship took a lot of “work” neither of us would have made it this far. I’m sure it’s why none of our other relationships lasted. In the end you’ll find what you’re looking for. I’ve actually found the old saying about when you stop looking to be true. When I wasn’t looking was when I found what I didn’t know I needed. And I can honestly say I thank my God everyday for that. I hope you find the same and eventually make peace with your past, which this will be some day.

Post # 6
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I am so sorry! I definitely can relate; I ended a two year relationship over very similar reasons. He was a great guy and we both loved and cared deeply for each other, but we just had some very serious differences that couldn’t be worked out. I still wish the very best for him, and I know he feels the same about me. Ending that relationship was the hardest thing I ever did, but it wouldn’t have been fair for either of us to have to change who we were at our very cores to be with each other. It’s also very hard to explain to other people, like you mentioned, everyone seems to think that if you love somebody nothing else should matter. It takes a lot to realize that you can love someone, but still know that you’re not the best thing for them.

 

I promise you there is hope, though!smile I just got engaged to my boyfriend of a year last week! He is perfect for me, and we are on the same page on all of our major life choices. I could not possibly be happier. 

 

When I broke up with my ex, I felt completely lost since I had planned on spending the rest of my life with him. But, everything has fallen into place better than I could’ve ever imagined. It hurt more than anything I’ve ever experienced, but I wouldn’t trade how things played out for the world. 

Post # 7
Member
7694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I am so sorry, OP; this must be very painful. However, I applaud the very wise and mature decision you made. People are fond of saying and thinking, “Love conquers all,” but it does not. Indeed, it is very difficult to make a relationship work when there are key differences in values, religion, upbringing, etc. While this does not ease your pain right now, I have to agree that it is far better to have come to this decision now instead of several years down the line with children involved. 

Post # 8
Member
301 posts
Helper bee

I’m very sorry you are going through this. I called off my first engagement for very similar reasons (see my old posts) about two years ago. You are very strong to have made this decision, even though it seems so hard right now.  There is someone out there who will align more closely with you and it will feel so right and you will be happy you made this hard choice now. Wishing you the best, PM me anytime.  

Post # 9
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Not to be mean I’m just trying to understand why did you wait 3 years into the relationship and after being engaged to decide that you guys have different values?  I’m only asking because I really do think that it can be worked out. I am from India and my dh is from Jamaica and we had to go through a lot of drama with our families to get to where we are but also we had to set certain ground rules with each other as well.  I know a few other couples like us and they had the same thing even religion wise. For example it’s important to me that my children are vegetarian and it’s important to dh that they are Christian. So we have agreed on that even though in the end it will be the kids choice. But we discussed those things in the 1st year of our relationship way before we got engaged or married. 

Post # 10
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Not to be mean I’m just trying to understand why did you wait 3 years into the relationship and after being engaged to decide that you guys have different values?  I’m only asking because I really do think that it can be worked out. I am from India and my dh is from Jamaica and we had to go through a lot of drama with our families to get to where we are but also we had to set certain ground rules with each other as well.  I know a few other couples like us and they had the same thing even religion wise. For example it’s important to me that my children are vegetarian and it’s important to dh that they are Christian. So we have agreed on that even though in the end it will be the kids choice. But we discussed those things in the 1st year of our relationship way before we got engaged or married. 

 

Again in I don’t mean to be insensitive to your situation but if this person is truly how wonderful u say he is and he is man of your dreams, your best friends, your love. There are no problems in your relationship and he is not self destructive (i.e. His moral values allow him to drink and go to strip clubs on the regular) then I don’t see why you would let him go. All the rest can be worked out. There must be a reason why u stayed with him for 3 years, got engaged, are so heart broken. 

Post # 11
Member
4227 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I called off my first engagement too.

I was 21 years old and in college. I was dating a guy who was a recent-alumni. We got along GREAT! Being with him was exciting and fun. We were very much a ‘ying and yang’ type couple, but we appreciated eachothers differences and they made us stronger as a couple. Then tradgedy struck when  he told me he was potentially facing deportation because his visa in this country was based on him being a student, and he was now graduated. The quickest was to get his green card was to get married. It felt natural and right when it was first brought up to me…I mean, I figured we were in it for the long haul anyways. Plus, I was young and caught up in the romance of it all!

But I got cold feet. I couldn’t really explain it at the time, but my spidey senses were tingling. I broke it off with him. Tragically he was deported a few months later. I was GUTTED to end it with him…but something just didn’t feel right.

My spidey sense was right! After we broke up I found out he’d been hiding the threat of deportation from me for SIX MONTHS so I actually could have gotten in trouble if I went through with this marriage because it would FOR SURE scream ‘fraud’ to the government! Who knows what else he was hiding from me! English wasn’t his first language…and him and his friend would have entire conversations in front of me I couldn’t understand…who knows what was really going on around me right under my nose! I try not to think about it though.

Plus, after we broke up I met the guy who I’d ultimately look back on as my ‘college sweetheart’.

Why am I telling you all this? Sometimes even the funnest, most loving and happiest things must end so that something even better can begin. The day I ended things with this guy I wouldn’t have believed that. The day I found out he was 100% being deported I REALLY wouldn’t have believed that! But then I met my college sweetheart and my mind changed.

Please take time to cry. Repaint your livingroom. Get a makeover. Do whatever you have to do you grieve and get through this tough spot. One day you are going wake up – and you wont know it that morning – but that will be the day you find that new ‘thing’ that’ll make this all make sense. I promise!

Post # 12
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You are right that we are told “love conquers all”.  In a way it is a BIG lie.  It takes more than love to sustain a relationship.  I’m sure it sucks and I know how sad you are having ended a long term relationship with a man I thought I would marry.  Know that you aren’t alone and we all are thinking of you.

Post # 13
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
bellacorinne :  You are not alone!  My fiance ended our engagement in April – unfortunately he did it in a very crappy way.  But our relationship was so wonderful and he was my best friend.  I have nothing but happy memories with him.  It’s the first time I’ve experienced a breakup with someone who is an absolutely wonderful person, and it is extremely difficult.  We broke up because we couldn’t reach a compromise on our living situation.  I was trying to move mountains for him and he couldn’t budge an inch.  I have no doubt that his love was sincere, which is part of what made this all so confusing.  I too am getting my first lesson in “love isn’t always enough” at 32 years old and it’s a very difficult lesson to work through.  

I’m so sorry for what you are going through.  Feel free to PM me if you’d like. 

Post # 14
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Vineyard Lake

So sorry! It’s a devastating truth to learn. As little girls we grow up watching & believing in the Disney dream. But you’re right. Love is not always enough. As much as it hurts it’s better that you both figured it out now. You will find someone you is more aligned with your values. Now you know exactly what you’re looking for.

((Hugs))

Post # 15
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry this happened, but best to follow your instincts- You’re not alone, sometimes people split when they realize they just aren’t compatable.

You’re right, sometimes love isn’t enough for a happy life together. Much as we would all like to  believe it, sometimes it’s not.

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