- 4 years ago
I broke up with my fiance 2 days ago after being engaged for 8 months and dating 1 year before that. For the past while I’ve had doubts about our relationship, and wondering if he’s the person I should marry.
We’ve had our ups and downs like any couple, but I’ve started to notice some negative traits in him that I believe stemmed from an unhappy childhood. While I came from a very warm and loving family, he has not. His parents are divorced, and he’s told me that they fought and yelled at each other most of his early childhood. His dad has suffered drug and alcohol addictions and was not a good father. I think that he also had abusive sibling relationships. Because of this, he suffers anxiety and anger issues which have affected our relationship. He has low self-esteem and self-confidence, and gets very defensive and often feels attacked and criticized.
He does realize some of these patterns and strives to overcome these issues. He values communication very highly and was always very dedicated to me and our relationship. And yet we’ve had many evening that have ended in tears because he easily gets hurt and feels attacked. It’s hard for me to deal with this because I feel he pits us against each other and we go from being partners talking about an issue together to being opponents. Sometimes I feel like things I say or do bother him more than they should because of how he perceives things.
I broke up with him because I was afraid of entering an unhappy marriage, and was afraid of him becoming like his father. My father is extremely loving, patient, and kind, and I would like my husband to be the same way. I’ve talked to him about my concerns in the past, and I feel like things will be better for about a month or so, and then this nagging feeling creeps in again making me doubt everything.
I feel horrible and sad right now, and devasted to leave our life together and lose my best friend. We’ve had some truly wonderful times together, and I’ve never been more comfortable with anyone else. While he has flaws, he can also be very happy and loving. I’m sad and disappointed to have lost the future that we started planning together, and I feel like my life is in shambles right now.
He messaged me today and told me that he was finding a therapist to start working through these issues. I feel like if he could overcome his childhood wounds that would help significantly, but I don’t know if that’s too much to hope for. I also feel like my doubting and concerns about our relationship haven’t helped the situation, and I wonder if I were more supportive, positive and fully committed if he would be able to thrive.
I also don’t know what, if anything, I should say to him right now. I didn’t leave him with any hope that we would get back together, but I am now hoping that he would take me back. I don’t want to be rash, and I think time will help, but right now I just miss him terribly and want to be back with him. I would appreciate any thoughts or advice on this.