(Closed) I broke up with my fiance and I'm not sure if it was the right decision. Help!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
2570 posts
Sugar bee

I think you listened to your gut and did the right thing. You will feel like crap for awhile but in the end you will look back and be happy you moved on.

Post # 3
9566 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Well I think you need to listen to the little nagging voice inside you- your truth, your gut instinct. Missing him is understandable with any breakup but that doesn’t mean he’s the guy you should marry. If your gut told you this marriage would be unhappy and told you to flee- and it was compelling enough to go through with it then I think you should listen to yourself. That “gut feeling” is always wiser than fear, anxiety, grief from your relationship loss etc. those feelings will come in waves but the truth stays steady.  I’d just take some time to be still, let your feelings flow and see if you can identify what in your heart of hearts is the truth- even if it’s sad and it hurts. Good luck!!  A breakup now is much bettrr than divorce. Xx

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Post # 4
7089 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

It seems like you’re almost feeling like you may have rushed into this marriage thing.  With more time to work out his past, he may be a good partner after all.

My SO has pretty bad anxiety, as well.  His family is also very cold and conniving at times, and he had a pretty unpleasant childhood.  With time, he’s been working on things.  His mother tells me how much even she’s noticed a change, that he just needed someone to make those changes for. We’ve been together for a year and 8 months, and after working on much of our issues, we find ourselves at a point where we feel like we can be engaged because we would be happy with ending up with the people we are and how we are together.

Now, in your post, you said a lot of wonderful things about him and have made excuses for his actions without describing them.  It makes me feel like you’re not ready to give up.  If he makes an honest effort towards improving himself for the relationship, it may not be terrible to give it another shot… but take marriage off the table until you feel confident about your future together.  

However, if you feel like you’ve had enough, you cannot blame yourself for wanting to move on.  We don’t know what you’ve been through, and we can’t tell how you feel about many of the scenarios you have endured.  If there are things about your relationship that neither of you can take back and it will weigh on your for the rest of your lives, you don’t want to jump back into that.

Reobserve the situation.  You know what’s best.  I wish you all the luck with this decision!

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by  SeaOfLove.
Post # 5
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I am your Fiance in this story. My mom and bio dad divorced when I was little and then when my mom remarried when I was 13, they argued a lot constantly. He always screamed and yelled at my mom. My FI’s parents are still together and happily married. I want to do everything I can to make sure that I go into this marriage with my eyes wide open and that I have the tools to make this marriage last. Communication is huge for me and thankfully Fiance values communication as well.

It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t know what it’s like to see an unhappy marriage. It’s terrifying and it makes you wonder if you can break the cycle and have a healthy and happy marriage. I bet your Fiance is scared of becoming his dad probably even more than you are. I still struggle with this daily “can I make marriage work?” “Will we turn into my parents” etc. It’s so hard to let your walls down and believe in what you have with each other.

I am very lucky to have such a supportive Fiance. We’ve been together 7 years but I was so afraid of marriage so long that we didn’t even seriously discuss marriage until 2 years ago. I am so grateful that Fiance didn’t rush me and that he believes in us. I went to counseling myself and it has really helped. Like I said, I still have those lingering questions, but talking to my counselor has really reminded me that I am not my mom and he is not my bio dad or stepdad.

I think there’s still hope for you as long as you are supportive. There’s no reason to break up with him over his parents’ divorce. He cannot control what his parents did, but I bet that makes him even more resolved to do everything he can to ensure a happy marriage despite his fears.

Post # 6
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’ve always felt people break up for a reason.  Unless that reason goes away/changes/resolves (through therapy, self-realization, whatever), you’re going to end up back in the same unhappy relationship with the same issues that led to your break-up in the the first place.

It’s great that he’s seeing a therapist.  That’s a good first step into making positive changes that would make it more likely for your relationship to succeed IF you get back together.  But I don’t think you should jump back into a relationship with him at this point. 

Right now, you miss him, and you miss all the good things about him.  I think it’s normal to have these feelings, even in regards to really crappy relationships, because most relationships have SOME good to them.  That doesn’t mean you should rush back into his arms.  Right now, those negative traits that have you concerned about a future together are all still there.  Give him time and space to work on his issues, and maybe, possibly there is a chance of getting back together in the future.

Post # 7
342 posts
Helper bee

On one hand, you have to always listen to your gut. But maybe the gut was just balking at the idea of marriage. I don’t know, to me the issues dont seem insurmountable, but we have a few of those issues too so I may be biased :p

Post # 8
2238 posts
Buzzing bee

You did the right thing.

His mindset and behavior aren’t conducive to a healthy marriage, and certainly not to a healthy home in which to raise children.

You already tried supporting him and encouraging him, and he slid back into his old habits. If you had stayed with him, that pattern would have continued — your fears would have come true. By ending the engagement, you saved yourself and him lots of trouble. He needs to work on himself, and he’ll be able to that more effectively on his own.  

Yes, you miss him and this is a difficult time, but this break up really is the best thing for everyone. Don’t go back to him just to make yourself feel better. Take some time to heal, focus on yourself, and understand that putting your desire and need for a healthy marriage over your feelings for your fiancée was the right thing to do. 

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