Post # 31
I think I have some experience with what you mention. especially the part where you tell him stuff your parents are telling you!! your parents are talking behind his back, you don’t have to relate every single comment. of course he’s going to feel backstabbed and wronged. it’s good to have honesty, but at what cost? this sort of honesty, especially since it’s a bunch of bad talk, just ruins the relationship between parents/SO.
I did the same thing as you before. my parents would tell me things they disapproved of in my SO, and I’d get frustrated and immediately vent to my SO after. he would be shocked/upset that my parents would say such things about him, then I would relate his upset back to my parents–and it was the wrong way to go about things! now I ask my parents not to tell me anything about my SO they wouldn’t say straight to his face, and everyone’s happier.
Post # 32
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can honestly say, your parents do know whats good for you. My dad (who I thought wasn’t a fan of my SO) drove an hour to help smooth over a big fight between me and my SO (we may have been slightly intoxicated and emotional as it was happening and both of us refused to #occupythecouch). My parents know he means so much to me and that breaking up is not what any of us want to happen. Your parents WOULD NOT tell you these things if they did not truely believe them. Stay strong, give it time.
Post # 33
I have to disagree. Parents THINK they know whats best for you. They can truly believe he’s wrong for you and be completely wrong.
If you break off your engagement you need to do it because you have reservations not because your parents do.
Post # 34
I did a double take at your profile bc this sounds EXACTLY like my FSIL’s drama with the exception that she’s been with this guy 2 or 3 MONTHS. I don’t know how your Fiance is but this kid can be just plain MEAN. Ex. I had my hair done for 1 1/2hr he walks into the house no hello, first thing he tells me is that I’m having a bad hair day…really?! Just plain rude comments like that dress is ugly so n so looks old. Not to mention he seems controlling. Listen I don’t know your particular situation but whatever you choose don’t blame anyone, do it bc YOU want to. Good luck.
Post # 35
I’m sorry you’re going through this – I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. I rarely respond to posts like these, but yours stuck out to me. I dated my first love, one and only, Boyfriend or Best Friend for 5 1/2 years and then we broke up. It was absolutely heartwrenching, and I remember exactly how it felt. So I’m here to encourage you and tell you that it will get better – PROMISE. Two and a half years later I’m very happily engaged to another wonderful man, and I know that what happened in the past was for the best. I didn’t believe it then, but I can see it now. So just have faith.
Post # 36
I feel like I could have written this post. Before DH, I was in basically the same situation you were. I was dating a guy who my family didn’t like. Like you, I have always wanted a close-knit family who WANTS to spend time together and genuinely loves each other. However…that was not the case. Us being together strained my relationships with all of the other most important people in my life. I was always filled with anxiety and dread every time my phone rang, because I knew how my mom/brother/best friend felt about the guy, so I felt like I couldn’t talk about him or our relationship even though it was a huge part of my life. I had a lot of anxiety over family get-togethers as well, and generally wasn’t able to function normally. Eventually I began to withdraw and avoid contact with my family because I was so uncomfortable in the situation, which they of course noticed. Even though they knew how unhappy I was with the whole situation, they continued to express their concerns because as my family, they knew me best. I had blinders on. I kept thinking that everything was ok day to day, except with my family…but hello, family is a HUGE thing! I kept hoping things would get better, but they didn’t. Eventually I snapped out of it and looked at the situation objectively: would I be happy if this awkwardness with my family were to continue? was I ok with not hanging out with my best friend? did I want to instantly experience anxiety every time my phone rang? The answer to all of these things was a big HELL NO. Even though I thought I was completely in love with this guy, and it was extremely painful, I broke up with him. I moved out of the apartment we shared, and moved back in with my parents. And let me tell you, it SUCKED. For the first week I cried practically nonstop, missed a lot of work, and couldn’t eat. But then – things eventually started feeling better. I stopped feeling like I would die without him. I had heart to hearts with all of my family members, and realized that I didn’t break up with him for them – I broke up with him for ME, because we obviously didn’t share the same values about family. I broke up with him because I had the power to change where my future was headed (isolated and cut off from family and friends). 2 years later – I met my now husband, and we are SO much happier than I ever thought I could be. We share the same values and my family loves him.
All that rambling to say – I know that it is YOUR life, and people will say that you shouldn’t break up with a guy because your family doesn’t like him. But I can say from experience – your family is a part of you, and who you are. They know you best and can see what you can’t in this situation. From what you’ve described, it doesn’t sound like they are petty people who would say things just to hurt you. I would trust them, and trust your instincts. I believe that you broke up with him because you feel that there is some truth to what your family says.
All that said – give yourself time to mourn, and to heal. It’s ok to cry, and be angry, and mourn the loss of your relationship and plans for the future. Once you give yourself time to grieve, you will begin to heal. And then you can focus on yourself, and what you value in life. You WILL find someone else, I promise.
Post # 37
thank you to everyone who have been sharing their input. I think what i have to do is just sit down after i cry this out for a few days and maybe write out what i want for my future and compare it to what is my reality right now. I need to stop listening to everybody elses opinion, even though they may have my best interest at heart.
Its so devastating to me b/c my fiance and i have had so many great times, and he has done so many incredible things for me..from all the creative ways he thought of to make me happy, from renting an ice skating rink on my bday for me to suprising me on a flight home from san francisco (he had to switch his entire sched to work that flight) to a million other things no one could ever top. He kept telling me when we got engaged that he had so many suprises for the wedding day…he told me one the other day, it was he was going to learn to play a song on piano for me bc i play piano and wanted to share that with me. I know he loves me so much and he told me that he never really loved anyone until he met me. It pained me so much to hear him say that its seems like every relationship he has ever had, he always loves the other person more than they love him. I told him that isnt true but he it didnt make a difference at that point. I’m not trying to convice you all why he’s a great person and tell me that i should stay with him, i just want to share that he really has treated me so well over the past 6 years and i was so lucky to receive his committment to me.
thats why this is so hard for me to deal with..b/c on the inside i know he would never do anything to harm me and hurt me and he’d be a great husband i know it. Behind closed doors were fine and im in a safe place with him, and we do share the same goals for having a house, kids, we both want lots of kids..
Im sure i’ll do whats best i just pray that i can figure that out really quicky b/c im hurting in a way i never thought possible. Ive never broken up with anyone before and always thought how lucky i was to find him b/c maybe i couldnt endure losing such a strong love more than once.
Post # 38
@waitingtobeamrs: Honestly, I think that if you broke up with him solely because your parents wanted you to, you will regret it forever.
I think it sounds like you two can work this out.
Post # 39
*Hugs* I’m so sorry this happend. But you know, this too shall pass as they say. There’s not many things more tragic than the end of an engagment/marriage….but find comfort in knowing that if you know you couldn’t have walked down the isle without reservations in this marriage, then your choice was the right one.
Standing by one’s spouse and beleiving in them only counts if you truly do beleive in them. If youd n’t then you are simply two puzzle peices that are trying to fit together but don’t. You are not a bad person. The other thing that’s required along with support in one’s partner is knowing when to change when change is needed. He obviously hasn’t learned that yet….and until he has learned that he’s confusing strength with stubbornness, I”m afraid you two may never fit together.
It would be a lonely life, just you and him and his thoughtless remarks towards any loved ones you have left.
You are incredibly brave.
Post # 40
Wow this really hits home for me, except the reverse. I am the one that is blunt and honest and has probably come across as pretty cold to my FIL’s, you know what I don’t regret the things I have said or done one bit. My FIL’s don’t like me that much and I am sure they feel I have turned my Fiance against them but that is not the case, I only opened his eyes to how his family really is. I am not in any way a horrible person, they just have so many issues and don’t like that someone else points it out. Fiance and I spent 6 years trying to help dig them out of the problems they were in, only to have them fill the hole back in because they just couldn’t admitt to the problems, we fought (fi and I) so many times until Fi started to realize that maybe I wasn’t so wrong after all. We have now agreed to keep out of Fiance families issues and just spend holiday time with them only, they are still holding a grudge over us “abandoning” them, but we are so much happier.
Anyways my point being is maybe take a second to see where your Fiance is coming from, maybe he isn’t so wrong after all. And is your families opinions worth losing your Fiance over, because you only spend a fraction of the time with your famliy as your Fiance and your family should have your happiness in mind.
Post # 41
Id be upset as wll if he treated my fmily bad, but I, like you, wouldnt know what to do. thinking about it now, I think id see if my Fiance wanted to work it out again and this time give my family the respect they deserved.
Post # 42
I’m so sorry you are going through this right now.
I agree that you need to take time to evaluate how you feel, and frankly, how much you can take of the current situation. Maybe your fiance is a jerk to your family. Maybe your family is jerky to your fiance. The situation is what it is.
What struck me about your original post was your fiance’s request that you side with him and punish your family for whatever behavior of theirs he dislikes. Maybe I’m way off base, but it sounds like isolating behavior. Do you feel that your fiance could ever convince you to stop spending time with your family?
At any rate, sometimes relationships don’t work out, no matter how much you want them to. If you are very close with your family and can’t imagine spending less time with them, then maybe your fiance isn’t the man for you. Not because it’s his “fault,” but he doesn’t want to spend as much time with your family, and that will cause more tension, not less, once you are married. He’s a blunt person without a filter, and you are more cautious and willing to keep certain ideas and feelings to yourself if they are just going to start an argument. That’s a difference in temperment, and that can be enough to end a relationship. You don’t have to be screaming at each other and fighting all the time for the relationship to run its course and end. I know that’s hard for you to imagine given how much history you have. Best of luck as you make a tough decision.
Post # 43
He could never convince me to stop seeing my family, and he’s told me that he doesnt intend for that to ever happen. My family thinks otherwise though. And i know that when ur married that its all about being husband and wife, and i dont intend on staying at my parents or visiting 4 times a week or anything like that. He’s come over all the time over the years and hung out here for hours and it was never like he was aching to get the heck out.
I know i have to just sit down and write out what i want and what reality is. I had a dream about him last night and I woke up so happy b/c i thought we were together and then i realized the truth. I just keep praying that he’ll show up at my front door and tell me he’ll try to make it work just like i told im id try to make it work before we broke up.
And Im so angry at my parents still, not only b/c i listened to them so quickly without using my own head, but b/c they havent even acknowledged what happened and its been 2 days now. My dad just asks if i need a hug, which i dont want, and my mom acts like nothings wrong. All she ever does is brightfully tell me good morning and other stupid nonsense about nothing and it hurts me more and digs at me that they cant even say “were sorry u feel this way and were sorry it didnt work out. Im not one to hold grudges but I swear I cant even look them in the eye right now and i dont think they’ll ever get it. It just makes me miss him more and think maybe he’s right about some things but im not doing anthing rash. Im going to make my own decision without anybody elses opinion in my head.
Post # 44
i dont know what i would do if my fiance didnt get along with my parents. he asked me last night if i would still be with him if my parents hated him, it might make me out to be a bad person to say, but i dont think i could. it’d be awfully hard to be with him. I think you did the right thing. A mouth filter will get you everywhere in life. If he doesnt want to be respectful, then thats an issue. i understand, but he can’t use the “wouldnt you love me no matter what” card if it’s something you don’t agree with.
Post # 45
i’m so sorry to hear this! I’m sorry that you are hurting–this is such a hard decision to make and an even harder thing to be living through. I hope you have close friends who can rally around you and give you the support that you need!! Best wishes…hope it works out for you. I agree with some other posters….give it some time. Your heart will tell you what to do.
I also think that just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to agree with them all the time. That’s different that being supportive or trying to understand someone’s point of view. I’m sorry that he thought you HAD TO agree with him.