- 10 years ago
- Wedding: October 2012
I dont blame him for asking why he was never invited. i would probably ask the same thing, just as bluntly. And I would be hurt if my husband didn’t ask if I could come after years of being together.
ETA: I do feel for you, OP, but I guess I just see your FI’s side better in this situation.
My dad has never liked my DH. The second time they met he threatened him! Because of how much my family hates him they are not in our lives. They only see my son 3 times a year (his b-day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas) and it’s because they refuse to accept my DH for who he is. I can understand you wanting to have a close family but if you aren’t happy with being away from him then maybe you should be with him and not care what your family thinks. Once you get married they become your family and the people you grew up with always come second to your SO and kids. If you want to be with him, go for it. It sounds like you are letting your family stand in the way of your happiness and that doesn’t sound right to me.
ETA: Based on this one story that you shared (which, perhaps is not enough info. to base anything off of), I feel like it has been obvious to your Fiance that your family isn’t crazy about him and his feelings are hurt. I think maybe you could have done a better job of sticking up for him, but then again, I don’t know all the details. I think maybe your FI cares a little too much/is too sensitive about what your family thinks about him, or at least is not handling his feelings very well (e.g., getting into it with your mom rather than just talking to you about it). That being said, I don’t blame him for caring so much about what your family thinks because it seems like it really affects your behavior (e.g., not inviting him since mom didn’t think it was necessary, breaking up with him, etc.).
It is a really hard thing that you have done and I believe from the sounds of it that you truely did the right thing
I am sorry you are hurting. I think a big part of the hurt is that in some ways, you feel it wasn’t your choice. You might have made the choice to break up, but you did it for your family.
I don’t know if it was the right decision to break up with your fiance, but I do know that you did it for the wrong reasons. Your relationship with your fiance is between you and him, NOT between you, him, and your family. You are the only one who is in a relationship with this man, who is engaged to marry him, and who will spend the rest of your life with him. As such, this is not a democratic process – nobody else gets a vote here. It has to be your decision, and yours alone. The pressure your family puts on you, regardless of their motivations, is inappropriate.
Of course, your family can give advice, share opinions, and discuss. I have, on some occasions, shared my concerns about the relationships of my family members or closed friends with them. But I have never once presumed to tell them what to do with their relationships, as your family has done with yours. Nor have I ever thought it my place to treat their significant others differently because I don’t agree with aspects of their lives. And I cannot fathom any situation in which somebody would tell me how to handle my life.
You need to make your own decisions, then you need to take responsibility for them. There is no sense in displacing your anger onto your parents now. The person you are really angry at is yourself. You are the one who broke up with him – regardless of your family’s influences. Own up to that choice. Then, and only then, can you figure out how to move on from there.
Good luck with your soul searching – and I hope you find the right answers for you!
I’m sorry knowing this… but life goes on…
I can see where PPs are coming from who seem to be siding with your Fiance a bit based on this thread – but to all those people, you should read OP’s previous posts. They make it pretty darn clear that her Fiance had truly been nasty to her family for no reason – he once didn’t speak to her sister, wouldn’t even look at her or acknowledge her presence, for six months because she screwed up a job interview she had at his place of work! And when she has called him out on his treatment of her family told her she is naive and that by now they should know what to say to not piss him off. Also, he has shown himself in other incidents to be possessive and controlling. So
I think you did the right thing, OP, I think others just don’t all think so because they haven’t read your other threads and don’t know the back story.
I am hoping time will help you get a better vantage point. many hugs and good vibes to you in this time frame. i agree with miss Argentina, he doesnt have to like your fam but if he loves you HE should respect them no matter what, especially since it is a deal breaker for you. Your fam loves you and has your best intentions in thier hearts, but it is your decision. So by you don’t support him dies he means when he isnt respectful to your fam, you should stand by his side? well, if your fam is in the wrong then yes be on his side, but if he is on the wrong ( and it sounds like he was) then he hasnt given you a reason to stand by him or support him. it doesnt seem like it’s “over” since you are taking time to reflect so i pray he has achange of heart about respecting your fam. and of course sending a (hug) for you!
Go back with him. You can make it work.
I could see you getting back with him but seriously I think you both need to go talk to someone TOGETHER and keep your parents out of it. This your hubby to be your new family
*hugs to you*
I dont mean to judge, but I was in a similar position except the roles were reversed- to me I think the relationship is between YOU AND HIM not you him your family his family etc… I kind of feel that you let your fiance down and its probably for the best that you spend time apart… If I was in your fiance’s position- I would definitely like to know that even through tough times as a couple you can work things out…
I really feel for you during this time, but I agree with the previous posters- letting others influence your decisions may not end well. I understand that you and your family are close, but I strongly believe that if you are old enough to start a relationship then you are old enought to make your own decisions about that relationship.
I dont mean to be harsh (and please dont all flag me at once), but I totally relate with your fiance- as much as he could have improved in his approach to your parents I think its a two way street and your parents could have been more understanding and accepting aswell. Its a shame that it had to escalate to this, but perhaps you can appeal to your fiance AND your parents to reconcile if he makes you happy.
It sounds like your Fiance is kind of a list keeper. He wants to make sure your sister’s bf isn’t invited to Thanksgiving before 6 years since he wasn’t, he resents his childhood for a long list of reasons. Honestly, people who keep lists of wrongs are not fun people to live with, and especially not fun to cross.
It also bothers me you think no one could ever treat you like he does. Many men are capable of amazing love and yes, even the wonderful things he’s done can be topped. My first love and I were together for 5 years and I thought he was it. He was my world, I could never love someone like that, he knew me better than any guy could, etc. My family hated him and I thought they were all wrong. Once I was far enough removed from the situation, I realized that my family was not out to get me, they just see the things I couldn’t when I was blinded by love. They were right, he ended up being a not so great guy and the man I married is WAY beyond what I ever could have imagined–and my family loves him.
Isolating a person from their family is a very controlling thing to do. Him claiming he’s not trying to do that is great, but actions speak much louder than words, and I’m concerned he even has to say he’s not trying to do that in the first place.
I echo what other posters have said here, I think it’s time to move on, not dwell on all the time you’ve invested into this relationship as a reason for wanting to stay, and let yourself heal. Once removed for a while, I think you’ll see things differently and you’ll allow yourself to be available for the right guy to come along. Very best of luck to you!
Thank you all to have been writing to me, its such a therapeutic way to see other peoples opinions who are not biased. My parents talked to me last night and told me that they only want to see me happy. I explained to them that I have always held their opinion to be the most important and always aimed to please them in life. THey told me that I cant do that anymore, which I know. I went on to explain that by them showing their disapproval of my Fiance it automatically told me what i should do and that I think I was too hasty in my decision. They said that it is my choice only, and that if I decide to be with him they will respect it, but dont think that were going to be a close knit family with him. They feel really hurt by him and feel they have gone out of their way for him and got nothing back in return. I know my Fiance is a good person, big heart, but sometimes I feel like my parents are right in showing me how he acts. They are concerned for my future and happiness.
I bought a book on dealing with breakups and should arrive today. Im hoping maybe that would shed some light on my problem and help me to decide what to do. At the moment, I feel like if he could just see my side and change how he acts then I would go back to him in a heartbeat. But I know I can’t change people, they have to want to change themselves. this is honestly the hardest thing Ive ever imagined going through. But I know that even though its’ only day 3 post breakup, I will stop being so emotional and stop crying every 5 minutes when a good memory comes up.
I think I should take some time and really think about all of this. I wrote his mom(were close) an email just explaining what were were going through and how upset i am. I just wanted to thank her for always being so nice to me over the years and wanted to express my gratitude. She wrote back saying the same thing to me, and that she wishes we could work it out or see somebody. She also said that he is who he is, and he has to express himself always, which isn’t bad but isnt good at times either. She said its hard to talk to him too. I just dont get how different Fiance is versus his entie family, his way of thinking is so different.
I thought of asking to speak to his mom in person, maybe shedding some light on our relationship and maybe trying to get him help. Even if we dont work out, b/c i love him so much I dont want this to happen to him again, and maybe he’ll see what hes doing wrong. Im not saying Im the victim here or 100% by any means, but I just want him to see that being respectful and slow to anger and resentment are so important to me and that a life without family is lonely and I dont want that. I keep having dreams that hes’ changed and were happy together, and then I wake up to my reality and it sucks. He really does have a good heart, I guess I just wish he extended it to others like he did to me.
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