Hi bees..just thought i’d give you an update as to how i’ve been doing. It’s been 15 days since the breakup, and honestly the first week was absolute torture. I seriously just wanted to just die and disappear. I can honestly say that they days have been passing by so so so slowly, even though i work 12 hour shifts. Today at day 15 I do feel more composed, but im still a mess. Everyone keeps saying i’ll be fine and you’ll get over it and on and on. Ive been keeping myself busy as possible, even decided to buy a new car which is taking up some time too. There are days when i rarely think about him and others I just wake up crying and knowing the day is going to be hard.
I had to go into his town for a family event a couple days ago by myself. I lost it on the drive back home. I even passed by his apartment building, I didnt stop, and just cried the whole way home. Everything reminded me of the good times we had together. I passed by an old movie theater we both love b/c its so cheap and cute, and I just bawled like a child. I know, it’s pathetic.
I dont think my family really understands how I feel either. My mom told me the other day that she hoped I wasn’t devastated by it and when I told her i was, she said i didn’t think you would be. And my dad gave back the money one of his buddies sent me for an engagement present. He figured he’d save me the work, which Im secretly really upset about b/c it not only makes me look like I cant handle sending back something like an adult, but because he’s pretty much telling me that its over with. I would have at least liked to write a thank you card again while returning the gift. It doesnt matter I guess.
Everyone is so happy b/c its Christmas and everyone in my family keeps trying to get me to decorate the tree and put up lights and all I want to do is burn that stupid tree to the floor. I absolutely cant wait for this happy season to be over. I had to make sure to get all the ornaments my Fiance and I bought together and make sure they didnt make it up on the tree as a reminder of what we had. They just dont get it. They try and mean well, but they are all clueless.
Im going to make it to the one month mark and see how I feel. I told myself in the beginning wait one whole month, think about this and then make ur next decison. Im debating whether or not to send a Christmas card in the mail to him. Everyone I know says no, but i feel like its just the right thing to do…no lovey card or anything just a simple merry christmas and happy new year. Any thoughts?
I fought the urge to go visit his mom, and I’m happy I didnt cuz I realize that would have made me go back to feeling like day one. Although Im not proud of it, i do keep tabs on Fiance by looking up his flight schedule. (He has a password that never ever changes and it tells me when he’s working/flying.) I know i have to stop looking at that schedule, and im trying to quit it everyday.
I dont know if im any better than i was but im trying. I keep having all these dreams about him, and even dreamt i sorta married him last night (it was a bizarre dream but thats one part i do remember). I think its just bc i miss him, even though i know there are things that upset me about him , i still miss his company and his face.
Thanks to everyone who has been reading/ listening. I never thought I’d be in this place, and I always wonder how Fiance is doing as well, bc he’s not the typical manly man, he’s really sensitive and shows it. I know i shouldnt focus on that it just kills me to make someone else unhappy.