(Closed) I broke up with my fiance last night :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2011

*hugs to you*

I dont mean to judge, but I was in a similar position except the roles were reversed- to me I think the relationship is between YOU AND HIM not you him your family his family etc… I kind of feel that you let your fiance down and its probably for the best that you spend time apart… If I was in your fiance’s position- I would definitely like to know that even through tough times as a couple you can work things out…

I really feel for you during this time, but I agree with the previous posters- letting others influence your decisions may not end well. I understand that you and your family are close, but I strongly believe that if you are old enough to start a relationship then you are old enought to make your own decisions about that relationship. 

I dont mean to be harsh (and please dont all flag me at once), but I totally relate with your fiance- as much as he could have improved in his approach to your parents I think its a two way street and your parents could have been more understanding and accepting aswell. Its a shame that it had to escalate to this, but perhaps you can appeal to your fiance AND your parents to reconcile if he makes you happy.

Post # 62
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

It sounds like your Fiance is kind of a list keeper. He wants to make sure your sister’s bf isn’t invited to Thanksgiving before 6 years since he wasn’t, he resents his childhood for a long list of reasons. Honestly, people who keep lists of wrongs are not fun people to live with, and especially not fun to cross.

It also bothers me you think no one could ever treat you like he does. Many men are capable of amazing love and yes, even the wonderful things he’s done can be topped. My first love and I were together for 5 years and I thought he was it. He was my world, I could never love someone like that, he knew me better than any guy could, etc. My family hated him and I thought they were all wrong. Once I was far enough removed from the situation, I realized that my family was not out to get me, they just see the things I couldn’t when I was blinded by love. They were right, he ended up being a not so great guy and the man I married is WAY beyond what I ever could have imagined–and my family loves him.

Isolating a person from their family is a very controlling thing to do. Him claiming he’s not trying to do that is great, but actions speak much louder than words, and I’m concerned he even has to say he’s not trying to do that in the first place.

I echo what other posters have said here, I think it’s time to move on, not dwell on all the time you’ve invested into this relationship as a reason for wanting to stay, and let yourself heal. Once removed for a while, I think you’ll see things differently and you’ll allow yourself to be available for the right guy to come along. Very best of luck to you!

Post # 64
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Good luck with everything 🙂

Looks like I’m a little late but I wanted to share my story with you.  I was in a situation similar to yours years ago with a boyfriend.  He and my parents never got along and I was always in the middle of their arguments.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt more terrible than during that period of time.  Having him say awful things about my parents and my parents constantly complaining about him really clouded my judgement and made it very difficult to see things for how they really were.

I don’t know exactly how your Fiance is and your particular situation, but for me in the end, it was my boyfriend who was the problem.  He was the one who kept making comments and bringing up issues to make me dislike my parents.  We also found out that he was intentionally doing things to rial up my mom for no reason so that she and I would get into arguments.  He was very possessive and emotionally abusive.  It took me a long time to finally see this. 

I suggest you take some time alone to really think about your relationship with your Fiance and take to heart the reasons why your family dislikes him so much.  Personally, making a list of the pros and cons of being with him really helped me.  Don’t let any fears of not being able to find someone else stop you from breaking up with him if that’s what you feel you need to do.  It might not seem like it now, but there are plenty of wonderful guys out there.  It took me a while, but I was able to find my Fiance who my family absolutely loves.  And he really likes my family too despite how annoying and crazy they can get sometimes.  So don’t worry about not being able to find someone.  Just focus on whether or not your current SO is the right person for you. 

Post # 65
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’ve just seen this on the Bee. I’m really sorry to hear your story. It seems to me like you need to talk it through again with him because you clearly still love him. I hope you get it sorted out though. x

 

Post # 68
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I didn’t read your entire thread, but I did want to comment. Is there any chance your family was rude to him behind your back?

My DH and I have a disagreement about his family, and it spans back to when we were engaged. DH (then FI) didn’t believe what they had to say to me, and it really strained our relationship. It took a lot of talking, and several times almost cancelling the wedding all together due to the then Future In-Laws. We did get through it, but I still find it hard to deal with them.

I’m a blunt, to the point person, and was raised to speak up for myself. DH on the other hand was raised to “never talk back”. If I didn’t agree with something his parents wanted, I spoke my mind about it, and they took it as me being rude (when in fact, it was me being honest and trying to speak up for myself and DH). While DH’s parents, to my knowledge, never suggested we split up, I always think they think about it. They treated me poorly when away from him, but aroundd him it was always happy cheery and everything was my fault.

We still have problems to this day, but at least now DH speaks up for me and realizes what has really happened. I know it puts him in a tough spot, but I don’t stop him from seeing his family, or from them coming to see us.

Post # 69
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

I think it all comes down to what your values are.  As I see my parents getting older (they are in their late 60’s), I now realize my ex-FI would have never been supportive if I wanted to support my parents should they become ill in their old age. As difficult as it was to break up with my ex-FI and I admit I was in a depression for awhile,  I now do not regret it at all.  I just married a wonderful, family oriented man who is respectful of my parents and believes that no matter what your family differences/problems/ issues are, family is family and you are there for family.  Whatever your decision is, you will have to live with the consequences.  Either your family has controlled your decision to break up with your fiance because they don’t think he’s good enough, or you realize he does not have the family values you want in a lifetime mate.  I wish the best for you and hope you make the best longterm decision.  No matter what and no matter how difficult, you will be okay!!  Lots of hugs!!

Post # 72
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@mommytobee:  “Cry a good shot and mourn the ending of your relationship, then hold your head up straight and be proud of yourself for putting an end to an unacceptable situation. You will come out stronger for it and will find someone who loves you enough to recognize when he’s wrong, and for whom respecting your family will be natural, not something so hard to do that he’ll let you leave instead of being careful.”

So well-put. I know it’s hard, but it’s important to take into account other people’s opinions of your SO, because they don’t have on the rose-colored glasses and can see flaws you might be overlooking. Give it some time to let the pain wear off enough that you can take a step back, evaluate the situation, and decide what you really think of him. Don’t be afraid to cry. But be proud of yourself for holding your own. It sounds like you made a very scary but very strong decision. You’re braver than you think. All my love. <3

Post # 73
Member
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Can you give more specifics about things he’s said or done that they don’t like?  I’d be pissed too if I stuck my neck out for someone and they screwed up a job interview.  I’d be even more upset if I didn’t want to talk to someone and my SO forced me to.

Your family doesn’t have to love the person you marry.  It’s not their happiness at stake, it’s yours.   Unless he’s being a total boor or acting like a fool, or treating you badly, they should get over themselves.

Post # 74
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

 Im so angry at my family b/c i feel like i broke up with him for them b/c i knew they’d never ever approve.

Just this statement alone says to me that you’re doing this for the wrong reasons. 

I would really reconsider and try to mend things by counseling…it seems like there is more to this than you are talking about to end 6 years over something you already knew he did.

 

Post # 75
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

Guys, this thread is months old, so I don’t think the OP is still looking to it for advice. It appears a questionable post(er) has bumped it.

Post # 76
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You’re right! Woops!

The topic ‘I broke up with my fiance last night :(’ is closed to new replies.

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