(Closed) "I can tell that you're young" aka ageism

posted 7 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 92
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Thanks for writing this post! You are making a great point and I really appreciated this alot!

 

Post # 93
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Good post OP!

I used to really want to fight this battle around here, but I gave up cause for me it was a lost cause – the “older” people just pull the age card (although I’ve never seen this conversation devolve to white vs. minority race judgments… that’s new) and I usually just ignore any questions about age in threads. I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me specifically for my age, but I’m not shy to say that I’m 23, have had a fantastic marriage for almost two years, and am loving it!

 

Post # 94
Member
6392 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I work with a group of 20-30 somethings. You can’t really tell which is which based on maturity. I know it’s a small sample size, but I’m guessing it applies to a lot of different groups. It’s pretty annoying when someone calls someone else out based on age. It would be a lot more courteous to “the rest of us” to call them out on immaturity instead.

It’s not the end of the world or anything, but it really would be polite. 

If it matters, I married Darling Husband when I was almost 24, and we’re about to celebrate our 1st anniversary and my 25th birthday shortly thereafter. I’m going out on a limb and saying that marrying one year too early for my brain development isn’t going to be what helps or hurts our relationship.

Post # 95
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

There are some points I agree and disagree with you on, OP.  I think you’ve made some good points, and have presented your thoughts well.

 

First off, people can be immature at any age.  We all see it all the time, for example grown women acting like petty teenagers, or middle aged men desperately trying to be young when they hit a midlife crisis.  Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you’re mature.  However, age IS a contributing factor for maturity.  Starting with your brain around 25/26.  It’s hard to explain what that feels like until it happens, but I definitely have felt different in the last couple years since hitting that point.  One thing that happens is that the rational part of your brain becomes more dominant.

 

Another factor that comes into play is wisdom.  I think that’s what many people mean when they say “life experience”.  Life experience, and a lot of it, is what gives you wisdom, and it’s difficult to achieve if you haven’t been an adult for very long.  A lot of younger Bees come on here saying they’ve had plenty of life experience, they’ve been through a lot of crap in their lives, etc.  Many of us older Bees went through tough stuff, too, and still acknowledge that much of the wisdom that comes from life experience takes time.  When you’re older, you’ve had more time to establish the kind of person you are.

 

I will say that when I see a Bee whose general tone is that of a bratty teenager, they’re usually on the younger side.  And quite often the thread goes like this: “(Bratty rant)”, “How old are you, OP?”, “18/19/20/21/22”.  Sometimes it’s an older Bee, but no matter what age they are, Bees call each other out on unreasonable behavior.

Post # 96
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

Completely agree with the OP. I have a feeling that at the age of 22, I have had *a lot* more life experience than some people twice my age. And as far as “the brain doesn’t fully develop until 25” stuff goes, I will be getting a doctorate by age 24, and will be getting married 2 weeks later. I will have been with my SO for 5 years at that point.  I don’t think waiting one more year until I am 25 is going to make or break my marriage

Post # 97
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@jo.lee: 

@wildflowerbee: 

I’m not sure if anyone else was, but I wasn’t suggesting that anyone’s marriages would fall apart if they married before 25. Thats silly. I was simply responding to another poster’s comment that “there is something that universally happens by 26 years of age. No one can explain it, it just is” with a medical reason backing up that change

 

Post # 98
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee

Agreed, OP.

Maturity and age really don’t see eye to eye all too often.

I mean, I sincerely hope I don’t sound ‘young’ when I post things. I don’t think I do, but then, what do I know?

I think I *may* be one of the youngest girls on the boards, but I really don’t think anything I say gives away what age I really am (unless, you know, I say what age I am). I’ve always been very mature for my age, and I’ll keep it that way. 😉

Post # 99
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee

Deleted because I’m going to get too irritated thinking about what I put. 😉

Post # 100
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@StefLovesJamie:  No one on here has anything against being young.  And being young doesn’t mean us “older” Bees think you’re some immature bonehead.  And nobody said “young people should never ever ever get married”.  If a young Bee’s going on her merry way, I never see anyone attacking her over it.  Usually the “young” thing becomes an issue when the Bee’s overall tone sounds immature, and she sounds like she should grow up a little before getting married.

Post # 102
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

I think age brings greater perspective. While it’s not fair to judge or discriminate, unfortunately, some posts (i.e., ‘my bridesmaids suck’) might lead one to believe that certain bees need a little perspective. When it comes to weddings, it’s easy to get lost in the details (and venture into Bridezilla territory) and lose perspective on this major milestone – no matter what age we tie the knot. I’ll likely be 38 when I get marry for the first time, and I’m just so grateful to celebrate this milestone and embark on a new journey with the love of my life. My SO and I want a simple wedding so we can spend more time planning our marriage rather than a wedding. 

I always thought of myself as a mature 20-something year old, and yet when I look back at ideas I had or things I wrote years ago, I recognize how much I’ve learned…and continue to learn. I am fortunate to have the opportunity to learn from all ages, and as a teacher, some of my best learning experiences come from the youngest students. So, regardless of our ages, cheers to the wisdom and perspective that grows with every year!

Post # 103
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I have been on this website for a while and I have read some posting and they were mean but I have to say KUDOS to you for putting it on the blog and making everyone aware of how senseless it is.

Post # 104
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

This was a very interesting thread for me to read, as someone who is self-professedly young myself. I haven’t encountered any “ageism” directed specifically at me here, but it’s good to talk about, I believe: even if you may disagree with something someone says, I think that Weddingbee strives to be a tolerant, discussive, and caring community and that it’s good to point out ways that we all can think about being a little more polite!

To add my own two cents as a 21 year old, I would find it a little odd if someone pointed out my age or asked if I was young simply because I, myself, am so accutely aware of it. I feel like I’m at a crossroads at my life right now: I’ve always felt like I was “overly mature” (like in the boring, “you act like a 40 year old, why aren’t you more fun at parties” kind of way :P) in some ways but I feel so young in others: I’m still in college, my fiance and I still have student loans, etc. But I also feel like I’m excited to be getting married at this point in my life, because I know the next four years are going to be a HUGE time of growth for my fiance and I: a time where we will probably change a ton, but hopefully (and I am confident that we will!) we will grow and change together. I agree with the older posters that are saying that lots of change happens in your early 20’s: but I also agree with the younger posters that those changes don’t mean you’re not ready to make a committment to someone!

Hope all this makes sense 🙂 

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