i CANNOT have my mother near/ involved with my wedding

posted 2 months ago in Beehive
Post # 2
20 posts

sanams :  Honey Bee I’m sorry you’re going through this.  I don’t have personal experience with this type of thing but I’ve heard of others who have.  Your mother is TOXIC and she will not change.  What will have to change is how you deal with her.  You may have to cut her out of your life completely.  Will you feel intense guilt over this??? Yes, she IS your mother….but your sanity is what is at stake here. In the meantime, keep contact as minimal as possible.  If she can’t behave in simple family interactions then she won’t behave at a wedding.  Don’t let someone else steal the joy of your engagement.  That is power YOU are handing over to her. Don’t do that.  If at all possible get some counseling…seriously, you need it.  You need to learn how to deal with loved ones with mental illness and it can help you gain strength in doing what you need to do to regain your sanity. Good luck Bee and I’ll pray things go well.

Post # 3
1200 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I’m assuming cutting her out is culturally unheard of? 

Do you have any siblings that can help you with her? Does she have any family that can help you help her get treatment? 

Post # 4
712 posts
Busy bee

I hold my family to the same standards of behavior that I do for everyone else I choose to have a relationship with. Be (overall) pleasant and positive to be around, or fuck right off. I do not understand people who put up with endless abuse from their family simply because of blood. Tradition and cultural expectations are strong influences, but it doesn’t mean they are necessarily the right influences for your particular situation. 

Would you let anyone besides your mother treat you this way? If the answer is no then there you have it. You are not responsible for her behavior or her response to you. She makes her own choices and so do you. Best of luck bee!

Post # 5
2200 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

sanams :  Im sorry that a time that should be so happy for you and your fiancé is being clouded with such worry and stress.

I won’t tell you to cut out your mum from your life because I know that in a culture where family is everything (I am Australian but I come from a migrant background that places importance on family ties) it is unheard of and looked upon unfavorably. I do think it is good that you recognize your mums behaviour patterns and don’t take on or believe the terrible stuff she says to you about you. 

Have you actually sat down and had an honest conversation about you mum with your fiancé? I’m sure he sees the behaviour but not being born into it and having not lived a lifetime with it makes it hard to understand it fully. I had a grandmother who was diabolical in her behaviour and words. My husband saw it but the only way to get him to understand was to tell him everything. I also think if its possible try and sit down with your mother in law and explain about your mother. You say she is a good person and likes you, she surely will not judge you negatively and it will take the surprise and sting out of anything your mum may say on their meeting.

You could also ask a sibling/cousin/aunt to run interference on your behalf and keep your mum away  or quiet from the new family during your engagement/wedding events.

Good luck bee and congratulations on your engagement!!

Post # 9
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I have a toxic, mentally unstable mom, too. My DH’s mother had met her, so already knew she was mentally unstable. DH’s mother never held it against me. A lot of families have mentally unstable people. There is a chance that future MIL will be more accepting than you realize. 

Have you thought about eloping, or would that be too frowned upon? I’m thinking with the caste/religion/mother issues, that would make those issues easier. My DH’s parents were of different religions, and they eloped so that they could avoid the fights between families. I know weddings are a big deal in India, so I don’t know if eloping is ok culturally. 

Post # 13
20 posts

sanams :  First thing I would do is have a frank conversation with your future inlaws about your mother and I actually do think they should at least meet her once.   Be brave on this bee.  They may be more understanding than you think.  They need to understand how your history works with your mom.  If she misbehaves they’ll understand why you want to keep your distance from her.  Mostly,  I want you to remember that your mother is not a reflection on you.  YOU are a reflection on you….how you handle yourself and how you deal with difficulties. This is gonna be hard on you bee but stay strong.  The guilt and shame you feel are normal but you cannot allow those feelings to run your life.  You need as much support from as many people as you can get.  I’m not sure what to tell you about other family members…they will believe what they want but you have to decide on how you want to live your life.  I get that your culture will make certain requirements of you but that is still YOUR choice to fulfill them.  You love your mother, who doesn’t get that?  But you also didn’t get the mother you deserved.  You will need to learn how to deal with that lovingly and compassionately but not at the expense of YOU.   

Post # 14
8016 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

my grandmother was bipolar and toxic like that.  when she threatened suicide, i said “i;m sorry you feel that way, i will miss you when you are gone.” and move on. no use giving in to their emotional blackmail.

the same for the wedding, “I’m sorry you will miss it.”

Post # 15
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

cmsgirl :  the comment about talking to MIL about mum – I agree with this wholeheartedly. OP, you said she’s super nice – I think it might be an idea to sit with her and FI and explain a little, so she knows what behaviour(s) to expect from your mum and not to take it personally. It sounds like you are already doing a good job and standing strong against your mother despite cultural influences. Just because you are getting married doesn’t mean this should change, and hopefully FI will support you and back you up when needed.

As for the wedding itself, let her threaten not to come. She’s looking for a response from you. If you stay calm and ignore her erratic behaviour she’ll soon realise she’s not getting any attention. Who knows, she might stick to her work and not turn up – peace for everyone!

I’m really sorry you are having to deal with this, but I think you can get through it with a little help from family and friends. Good luck!

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