- 2 years ago
Longtime lurker, first time poster here.
I’m sorry for this long post, but I’m about to lose my mind.
A little background, first. I’m 46, he’s 53. Neither of us has ever been married. Neither his parents nor my parents had a “traditional” wedding (both sets had JOP weddings). None of our siblings had traditional weddings (both his siblings had JOP weddings, my sister married an Indian man so had a traditional Indian wedding, which was absolutely gorgeous, but had much different customary/ceremonial elements). So we are (a) old and (b) flying blind here.
We got engaged August 2016. I immediately started planning out November 2017 wedding. Since we had already been talking about getting married (and he’d been hinting at having a ring for months before he proposed), I had already had some planning “in the wings,” so to speak. I’d been researching venues, vendors, dresses, etc. so as soon as he proposed and made it official, I hit the ground running. By Spring of 2017, we had our venue booked, we had our DJ, our photographer, our florist, our officiant, my makeup artist, and our rings. I had my dress. I’d started to send out Save the Dates to the out of town guests so they could start planning their travel. We registered for gifts. My shower was planned and I’d made handcrafted favors. I’d started gathering materials for wedding favors, centerpieces, and other stuff. My dining room was Planning Central, with totes of wedding stuff stacked to the ceiling.
Around this same time, he started discussing pushing the wedding out by a year. I was adamantly against it for a number of reasons. First, I’d already had months of planning in the works and was on a roll. Second, we were planning to buy and renovate our house – a complete gut rehab – starting in early 2018. I said there was no way I could plan a wedding and renovate a house being already busy as I am (I work two jobs, play in a band, and sing with a professional chorus, not to mention the every day stuff like working out, household chores, errands, etc). His reasoning was that (a) his daughter, who was in the military, would likely not be able to come home for the wedding, and (b) he wanted our house done before we got married. I argued that there was no guarantee his daughter could come home the following year (she could be deployed, she could be classified, any number of potential factors might be at play) and that I wanted to be married BEFORE we started work on the house so that the stress of the wedding would be behind me and I could fully focus on the house.
Well, eventually the s**t hit the fan and I relented, agreeing to push the date out from November 4, 2017 to October 13, 2018. That was in late May/early June of last year.
I’m still not over it.
I had told him that changing the date would change our relationship. I know myself, and I know how angry and resentful I would be about this, and I’ve not proven myself wrong. In addition, we lost the deposit on the venue because they wouldn’t let us apply it to a new date. So we moved it to a different venue. I figured if they won’t forward the deposit, I’m not giving them another penny. So not only did the date move, but the location did as well.
There are a few things that I like better about the new venue – this one doesn’t carry a seasonal premium like the first one so I get my October wedding (it would have cost us $3000 MORE to get married in October at the first place which is why we’d set the early November date). But that’s pretty much where it ends. Everything else is completely sullied by my anger and resentment. I hate him some days. I’m no longer excited about the wedding OR the house. I feel like I’m having both things ripped away from me, because I can’t give my focus to one or the other and have to divide my attention to both, and it’s too much. I can’t enjoy either one now.
In addition, I have watched SEVEN people in my life get engaged since I did, and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM is getting married before me. Including a cousin who is getting married in July, on the weekend I’d planned to have my (rescheduled) shower. So now I have to move that. Not to mention it’s asking a lot for my out-of-town relatives to travel here twice in three months. And one of my friends who’s getting married two months before me is wearing THE EXACT SAME DRESS as me.
Am I a complete brat? I’ve waited almost 50 years to do this and I feel like I have zero support, and no sympathy from anyone when it comes to my feelings about the postponement, and no one seems to understand why it’s causing me so much anxiety to watch seven people getting married this year while I’m like the very last one to finally have my wedding in October. There is some crossover in the guest lists, so everyone is going to be burned out by the time my wedding comes along. I’M going to be burned out by the time my wedding comes along.
When I get terrifically upset, my fiance asks, “what would make you happy?” And the only answer I can come up with is, “to have gotten married when we were originally supposed to.” This is, of course, ridiculous, because obviously that’s not a viable solution. But I’m so angry and sad and OVER IT at this point I feel like just saying “screw it” and going to city hall instead. Or calling it off completely. Which would suck, because that’s not what I wanted. I will be 47 by the time I get married. A first time middle-aged bride, and I want the wedding I want. But I am not feeling it anymore. I don’t feel like planning, I’m not excited about it, and I feel like I’m trapped in the longest engagement in history. It was fun when it started, but that postponement just took all the wind out of my sails.
Can anyone offer anything to make me feel better??????