I Cannot Seem to Get Over This!!

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
44 posts
Newbee

This really stinks, I’m sorry that you no longer feel excited about your upcoming wedding or the house renovation.

I understand that what you’d really like is for other people (including your finance) to acknowledge the hard work you’ve put in, and to appreciate the sacrifice you’ve had to make. It’s not helpful for me to say well, you should have just stuck to your original date, because it does sound like you resisted as much as you could.

The only helpful thing to offer is to take a step back and think what the best way forward is. Today and for the rest of your life, what is the best outcome for you? Is it to avoid the stress of planning? If so, have that JOP wedding and then, if you want to, plan a big party/reception/anniversary later down the road. Is it to have that big wedding after all? Ask for help from your husband or wedding planner so you don’t feel like you’re doing things over again.

Also, it sounds like you are sad that you will no longer be the “first” of the upcoming series of weddings – but unfortunately, that’s just timing. There have been a lot of other posts around this and I think the consensus has been to try to move on.

The most worrying thing I see is that you are resenting your finance, and that he seems fairly noncommital. Does he truly understand how frustrated you feel? If not, it may be a good idea to take some time when you are not emotional or upset to sit down with him and share your feelings. I can’t tell how sincere or helpful his question of “what would make you happy” is. If he does already understand and is not offering more support beyond asking a token question, then it sounds like there are some other more pressing issues in your relationship.

Post # 3
Member
1201 posts
Bumble bee

Hi Bee,

 

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this.  I totally understand why you would be as frustrated as you are. Having seven freinds get engaged after and married before you must be really trying. 

I’m sure you don’t want to call it off.  Hopefully ranting on here helps alleviate some of your tension.  Good luck with everything. 

Post # 4
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

It seems like there are some bigger issues outside of the wedding itself. 

 

It would concern me if I voiced my opinion and concerns about the state of our relationship to my Fiance, and he continued to push for what he wanted, instead of trying to reach a compromise. At the same time, if I was truly worried about how my resentful feelings would affect the foundation of my future marriage, I would have really explored other options with my Fiance to, again, try to find a better solution. 

 

I completely understand your frustrations, but I’m not sure there’s much to be done besides talking really honestly with your Fiance about how you’re feeling. I would hope that if he was truly concerned, he would be willing to offer help to make this process more enjoyable for you.

 

I know you said you are over wedding planning, but are you over getting married? That’s what I think you need to ask yourself. There is a difference there, and the desire for the wedding matters much less than the desire for a marriage. 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
1409 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think you should step back & examine why you’re feeling this way. Are you feeling angry & resentful because you were looking so forward to the wedding (one day) and now other people have gotten married before you did? Or are you angry because you feel that he ignored what you wanted for the wedding? I honestly think you are being kind of bratty about getting upset about others getting married before you. It isn’t a race or a competition. If you’re truly upset because you feel your Fiance doesn’t listen to you or care about what you want, then that’s completely reasonable and you should have a talk about it with him. Though I do understand he would want his daughter at the wedding.

Post # 6
Member
1631 posts
Bumble bee

Unfortunately holding onto this anger is just self-destructive. Nobody wins, especially not you. Your fiance is in his 50s and has never been married — if the formality of marriage meant *that* much to him, he would have married in his 30s. Continuing to harbor resentment over this will just push you apart where you will end up with neither a wedding nor a husband. 

I wouldn’t worry so much about the timing of the wedding. I hate to break it to you, but generally nobody cares about a wedding nearly as much as the couple other than possibly their parents or grandparents. It’s just a party. 

And with the dress, could you find another one? 

 

Post # 7
Member
866 posts
Busy bee

I would feel the same way if my husband wanted to change the date so deep into the planning process. Especially since his arguments, as you presented them are weak. No advice just solidarity.

Post # 8
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

DeedeeC :  I am so sorry you’re going through this! I’m actually in the same boat, but slight different details. I would say age shouldn’t matter for your wedding day. You deserve to get the wedding you want, regardless of how long you’ve waited for it or if it’s your first wedding or not! 

We we were supposed to get married this November (2018). My fiance’s brother got engaged a month after us last year, and is reckless with money/has no planning. He and his fiancé put a small down payment at some shoddy venue for August (2018). Now, his parents are claiming that according to tradition, siblings don’t get married the same year. 

After much back back and forth, and some hurt feelings, we have now moved our wedding to November 2019. Partially because we just didn’t want to have to prove our point and make a stand anymore. After all, if we force it, no one is going to be happy. Obviously, my parents and I are pretty unhappy, but as time as passed, I’m not as upset anymore. It is what it is, and I was feeling pretty dejected and wanted to call the whole thing off for a while and didn’t want to plan anything. 

But since we’re pushing it out a year, I’m now spending twice as much on my dress just because I can! Also, we’re getting a better photographer and upgrading several things (partially because we can, and also partially to irk his parents – they mentioned something about saving more money before getting married and etc. so now we want to show where all that money is going. They’re irrationally cheap when it comes to their children’s significant others, so they’re going to be in for a surprise. 

I would say I get how you feel, but think about the positives in waiting! Age is nothing but a number, and you should use this extra time to really perfect the details! I would say don’t be upset that other people are getting married before you. Maybe they are stressed and you don’t know it! I also know some people who got married super fast, and among the family, most people didn’t think it was a good idea. 

It’s hard, but enjoy the prolonged planning period. After all, you have so much to look forward to! 

Post # 9
Member
11651 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

DeedeeC :  I hear you, bee. I know myself as well, and one of the things I have learned to push myself to do is to not compromise so much when I know I’m going to change afterward. 

It’s a bit late because you already did this. There are now 2 things within your control.

1. Determine if your fiancé can negotiate and hear you and place importance and priority on your needs and feelings. Because right now, it kind of seems iffy. What he did here was selfish. I would not marry a selfish man. 

2. If you choose to move forward, forget what people around you are doing. Decide that you have chosen this, eyes wide open, and you’re going to embrace it and squeeze it for all of the joy you can. There’s no sense in having a wedding and getting married if you’re going to be miserable. If you move forward, do it with your whole heart, without resentment. 

Post # 10
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like there is a lot going on here. First of all, I am very sorry that you’re going through this.

It wasn’t good of him to wait until spring of last year, after things had been reserved and paid and save the dates sent out, to tell you he wanted to wait. Did you inquire why he did not bring it up sooner? Did he?

It seems like you dove headfirst into planning “right away” after you got engaged. Did he help pick the original date? Did he have input into the venue, caterers, etc., and did he show enthusiasm at that point?

If he was on board in the beginning and then suddenly changed his tune, I would be very concerned.

How did you and he decide to postpone, when you say you relented? How did that conversation go?

To be honest, it sounds a bit like you planned a lot of this in the background, without his input. It sounds like you had a dream wedding in mind and needed a groom to complete the picture. I’m not saying you don’t love him! It just sounds like you had a fairytale in mind and something happened to disrupt that fairytale, and you are upset that you won’t see it come to fruition the way you wanted it.

If you suddenly lost everything tomorrow and could marry him this weekend, would you want to? You say you’re not excited for the wedding. Are you excited for the marriage?

As for the friends and the dresses and everything else…don’t worry about it. People are on their timelines and you are on yours.

Post # 11
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

lolac :  I’ve never heard of that “rule” lol but it sounds like you’re making the best of it. It sounds like that would be a good rule if two daughters were getting married because that’s a big financial burden on the bride’s parents if we are talking about old school traditions. Have fun with all your upgrades!! 🙂 

To the OP I am literally the last of my friends to get married, most of my friends will be on their second children at my wedding and it took me a long time to realize that this isn’t a contest to win and to just focus on how to make my wedding day the most fun and wonderful day of my life. I hope you can find the inner strength to move past the resentment unless there is more going on here then just pushing back the wedding. 

Post # 12
Member
5049 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I am not sure I have any helpful advice but I am curious, was your Fiance 100% on board with the original wedding date or did you get caught up with planning and leave him out of such a big decision?  It seems odd that he would completely change his mind and with such late notice. I am very sorry for your disappointment and can understand how postponing has taken the wind out of your sails.

Post # 13
Member
697 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

There is no sense is staying pissed off about the wedding date. It’s too late to have a November 2017 wedding now. And I don’t blame him for wanting his daughter there. It’s a crappy situation sure, but it is what it is at this point. 

I would focus on planning the wedding (after making sure you REALLY want to marry him), and not so much on the house. He can handle that stuff. 

Post # 14
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

It might be worthwhile to seek out some pre-marital counseling here. 

Post # 15
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

DeedeeC :  It’s a horrible feeling. When my Fiance and I decided to postpone, we were days from sending out invitations. I was absolutely heartbroken. Its been almost five months since we made the decision, and I am just now getting back the excitement I felt prior to postponing. You have to keep talking to your honey. He needs to know how you are feeling, and he needs to know this hurts you. And this all needs to come from a place of love, and commitment. I still ask my Fiance, “We are doing it this time? No more pushing it back?” because it was just so painful, I don’t think I could go through it again. As a couple, we made mistakes in round 1. This time we have fixed those, so if it doesn’t happen, I can’t keep waiting, and Fiance knows that. I laid my boundaries, and he respects them. 

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