I Cannot Seem to Get Over This!!

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

This is a different view than I usually take but: his daughter might be a total bitch, but she’s still his daughter, and you have the option to be the bigger person. She’s always going to be part of his life, and she was here first. It doesn’t excuse her behavior and it doesn’t excuse his behavior regarding the two of you, but you have made the decision to be part of this situation and badmouthing his daughter doesn’t make you look much better than her. It seems like you would be much happier if his daughter was out of the picture and hoped that getting married would push her aside, and while I get that, she’s not going to be.

@knotyet is right, you should have told him it was a dealbreaker. Again, was he on board with the original date? Did you take his input into consideration when you planned the original wedding?

If you did and he went back on it, he’s wishy washy and I would dump him. It’s not worth the hassle.

But if this was all about you from the beginning, that’s on you and I don’t have as much sympathy for that.

Post # 47
Member
920 posts
Busy bee

From where I sit, this doesn’t seem to be about the wedding or the house at all. It feels like it’s about your Fiance bending over backwards to accommodate his spoiled, very-much-an-adult-at-28 daughter and choosing to attempt to make amends with her by sacrificing your happiness/desires. If I was in your shoes, I would be wondering what the next sacrifice is to try and keep her happy. It sounds as though he has made it clear that you come second, no matter how unreasonable or immature his daughter is. I’d be resentful of that too.

If this resonates with you, I strongly recommend the two of you go to couples counseling. Don’t get married sooner rather than later – these dynamics need to be addressed. Both Fiance and I have children from our first marriages, and they are extremely important, but we make a concerted effort to keep our kids close to us, and not to allow them to get between us.

Post # 48
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

I will throw in there that the daughter’s anger and drama likely has little to do with you personally, given what I’ve seen and heard from a few stepmothers and one hateful daughter, it’s just that another woman exists in the dad’s life that is the cause of all issues.  I don’t think there is anything you can do that will help her accept you, but you can be gracious and kind or more reserved and uninterested.  Whatever you pick will be wrong and she’ll hate you for it, but it’s not because of you, it’s irrational.  What I have seen of these situations, is just a lot of garbage to be honest.  Try to separate yourself from it so you are not constantly hurt over and over, and don’t marry the man unless you can define boundaries and you are confident he will stick with you.

There is tons of drama — how will he and she cope when he sells his house and moves in with you and she loses her childhood home?  Will he stick to the plan to move in with you?  How will he handle holidays?  How will he manage boundaries when she has emergencies and demands attention? What is acceptable to you and unacceptable to you?  Will he demand that you are included in things like her celebrations, her weddig, her children?  There is a lot of stuff.  

I will tell you about my 60 year old cousin, who vehemently hates her dad’s girlfriend.  My uncle is like 85.  His wife died of a stroke, very sad, when I was a pre-teen, she was in her 20’s.   My uncle has had a girlfriend for decades, and they do trips together and live together.  My cousing hates this woman, hates her, has hated her for decades and it’s not getting any better.  I personally think it is misplaced sadness over the loss of her mom, but my cousin finds fault with everything, always.  She is stubborn and I think it eats her up but this is her point of view and it’s not changing, there is no love and zero compassion at all.  We visit about once a summer and it is uncomfortable.  My uncle is obviously with his girlfriend and ignores the daughter, but it is so sad to see this situation.  And I know when my uncle passes, the girlfriend will be kicked to the curb and alone.  She has her own money, but she will have nobody left that cares about her, no family.  

You have to consider whether you want to sign up for a marriage with this man, with this baggage.  I’m very sorry.  You cannot force the daughter to accept you or to be polite, it is all about whether your husband can establish and uphold boundaries and stick by you.  Can he? 

 

Post # 49
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I’m a little hesitant to type this because I can absolutely understand feeling disappointed and like all of these changes have wrecked your plans, but at what point does this become sulking? I’m not trying to hurt your feelings or to be mean, and I would probably feel and act exactly the same, but you said it yourself – your Fiance has asked what he can do to fix things, and the only thing that would really make it better is if you could have the wedding you wanted when you wanted it. Fair enough. But that date has now passed. It literally cannot be “fixed” properly. So you either have to get onboard with the new date (hard as that may be) or cancel it and break off the relationship because he disappointed you when he asked (forced?) you to move the wedding. 

My opinion is based on a friend’s experience when her weddinng venue went bankrupt 6 weeks before the wedding and they ended up getting married in a local park – nothing wring with it, but not her vision at all. To this day she cannot get over it, and I know it has caused some major issues between her and her husband. It might not be the exact same situation since it was not her DHs fault that the place closed down, but still, I think you need to either get back into the joy of things (sometimes motivation follows action – ie start doing things for it again like you mentioned and some of the feelings of excitement will come back) or leave it and get out. 

I really hope you guys can work through this and that you feel like you can overcome this disappointment. x

Post # 50
Member
3832 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Huh. The daughter not being able to come was my main concern, but it appears that wasn’t ever really an issue since her graduation was going to be a week before the wedding. But your fiance still wanted to move it so she wouldn’t have to cope with not being the centre of attention?? That’s ridiculous. He put his daughter’s need to be the centre of attention over your feelings and marrying you?

Sorry, I’m not helping calm you down am I? I’m sure that if he had the chance to do it over again he would not move the date. I know you told him how much this would upset you, but sometimes people just can’t understand a thing until they see it in action. It just sucks that it had to happen with your wedding.

In any case, the old date is gone and all you can do is embrace the new one (or break it off). Your wedding will still be amazing. It doesn’t matter that other people got married before you. It takes nothing away from your wedding. I do think you should ask your fiance to shoulder more of the planning burden. 

Also this could be a weird sort of blessing in disguise – it gives you a chance to address some issues like behaviour toward his daughter/prioritising you before getting married. Perhaps the marriage will be better for it. 

Post # 51
Member
14 posts
Newbee

I’m feeling hurt and taken for granted on your behalf. Contrary to what others have said, I’ve put myself in your shoes and imagined what it would feel like in your situation and I don’t think you should have to be the one to “get over this” or “learn to live with it”. From what you’ve written, you seem to have put far more, if not all, of the effort into planning this wedding. I doubt your Fiance contributed to organising and securing any other vendors from what it seems. On top of that, you seem to have been very accommodating to your FI’s relationship with his daughter to the point where you have sometimes even excluded yourself and put yourself out just so she can get the time she wants with her father.

I am wondering if you didn’t just view this as a wedding but the one time something got to be about you and your Fiance, and only you and your Fiance, irrespective of the daughter. Now I’m not saying it in the sense that you wanted to ignore and not consider the daughter , I’m saying it in a sense where you really looking forward to a day where it could be about you and that you wouldn’t have to make sacrifices or put yourself out for once. Because it seems like you’ve made a lot of sacrifices and maybe even became a door mat somewhere along the way (I don’t say that to be rude). So in that perspective, I can definitely see why you are hurt. Not only has one of the only occasions where you don’t have to sacrifice your wants and needs being pushed back by a year, it’s been pushed back by your Fiance because of his daughter who you has not appreciated you or your efforts. Not to mention, you Fiance did this for his daughter who out right said she wasn’t going to go. I would be pissed too, and I’m wondering if the reason why it hurts so much is because maybe deep down you’re perceiving it as your Fiance didn’t actually care enough or appreciate what you have done enough to understand that this was one of the only days you will have where it will be about your wants and your needs. I think you should be rightfully upset about your Fiance doing this, and I think he should be awfully apologetic for being so caught up with the drama of his daughter he couldn’t see all that you have done for them and the importance of this day for you. 

Unfortunately, you can’t change the wedding situation. But you can change the relationship dynamics. I would demand that your Fiance not take your efforts for granted and that he be more considerate of your needs and wants and if he couldn’t do that, I would question the relationship. 

*hugs* bee. 

Post # 52
Member
8320 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

DeedeeC :  

 I’m not looking for recognition, a pat on the back, a thumbs up for any of this. All I want is to marry my husband in peace without drama.

I believe you completely . I also think his daughter  sounds like  a right piece of work and has her dad running to do her bidding because he has years-old guilt  about her one parent status.

If I were you I’d scale your wedding  right back and have it asap , inviting  only your nearest and dearest. If she can come,  fine,   if not,  well she said she never  wanted to anyway . 

I would  calmly and firmly tell Fiance that this is what’s  going to happen because it  is the best for both of you not to  mess about any more , for whatever reason. Present it as pretty much a fait  accompli and start  planning now . There are  no good reasons to wait and plenty  of good reasons to get married soon.  

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