Post # 1
Let me explain as quickly as possible as I’m at work, lol…
I love my fiance DEEPLY. I can’t believe that he found me and that I get to marry my soul mate. I am very very open with him, but there is one thing he doesn’t know. I keep thinking about an ex. He knows about this ex, but he doesn’t know I am thinking about him. My FI hates my ex. Says he would “punch his lights out” if he ever saw him. Hates him for hurting me so much.
No, I am not still in love with my ex. And yet, I find myself wondering what he’s doing or if he ever regrets hurting me.
To make a super long story short: My ex is a raging alcoholic. I tried to save his life twice by staging interventions. According to his mom, they have staged interventions for him countless other times. He is a “working alcoholic” and was never abusive with me unless you count emotional abuse. (He only told me he loved me when he was drunk and took it back when he sobered up).
My question, and that’s ok, be honest, is “how do I stop thinking about this guy?” Please suggest things other then therapy. What I am thinking is this: Send a quick abrupt email and tell him I am getting married. My relationship with him was TOXIC. He nearly destroyed me and yet I know it’s because he is very very ill with alcoholism and he always wanted to “know that I was happy”. If I let him know I am BEYOND happy, will this close the book on him? I haven’t seen him in 2 years. We dated for 10 months. We met 3 years ago.
Thank you Bees.
Post # 3
Don’t contact him. That is definitely a bad idea. It’s best to let these things go. Contacting him would signify to him that you still care. Adn whether or not you do, that is not what you want.
It is natural to have these thoughts and wonder about old exes. We all do it. If it’s bad enough that it is truly bothering you, I recommend a therapist to talk it out with.
Post # 4
You seem like a caretaker. I could be off-base but are you more worried about him and that he’s OK healthwise since he’s got a serious problem then anything else?
I’m sure he will find out you are married, what do you think it would accomplish to let him know personally, especially with the potential that it might hurt your FI?
Post # 5
Why would you need to make any contact with him? Is it to have closure on your end?
I was in a 5 year relationship with an extremely toxic, abusive (emotionally and physically) guy and I still think about him too. His dad recently passed away (and the dad was no older than early forties) so the only email I’ve sent to him is to say sorry to hear about your father.
There is no reason for you to contact him. He has issues, and you’re no longer a part of his life and I don’t see any reason why you would need to tell him that you’re “beyond happy.” It’s none of his business to be honest.
Post # 6
All of the following is said with the disclaimer that I, of course, know only what you’ve posted here.
Please, please do not send a letter. Such an action could very well open lines of communication between you two that you do not intend to open as you are happy and love your fiance.
It sounds to me like perhaps you just need some sort of closure. Writing a letter (but not sending it) may help you find it. Going to your ex will likely only reopen wounds that you have probably worked very hard to heal. Say everything you have ever wanted to say – and before ending it, make sure you reflect on what lessons you learned from that relationship. None of us would be the person we are now without past important relationships – the good, the bad, and the ugly ones.
I recommend you find your closure – but without contacting your ex.
Post # 7
I think that when you love and care for someone at some point in your life, you will always love and care about them regardless of whether or not they are in your life.
My suggestion based on my own experiences is this: DO NOT contact him-it will open Pandora’s box and DO NOT mention this to your Fiance.
In my opinion, the feelings/thoughts are personal and normal but do not need to be something you think about all day/everyday. If you were saying you were still in love with this guy and/or considering calling off your engagement, then there would be reason to worry.
Just take a step back and look at what your Fiance means to you and all his good qualities and that will be enough to snap back to reality and realize that you’re wasting your time!
Post # 8
@ troubled, I am definitely a caretaker, yes. But even though this will sound horrible and evil, what I want to accomplish with “ex” is to let him know he did not ruin the rest of my life. But not in a nice way, more of a spiteful way. The story is just too long to post here, but my OP says he always wanted to know that I was happy, however, when Mr. Hyde emerged, he was selfish and indifferent and really really hurt me emotionally. Dare I use the word “revenge”? I want him to know I am happy as “revenge?”
Post # 9
I wouldn’t contact him. I think with time, you’ll think of him less and less (you should anyway) and if you don’t, then perhaps you should speak to somebody.
Post # 10
I would suggest writing a letter BUT DON’T SEND IT like some other posters have said. It will let you hash out everything in writing. just burn it or rip it into a million pieces when you are done.
Post # 11
I can kind of relate. Before I met FI I was in a really destructive relationship, we kind of brought out the worst in each other. I still struggle with it and wonder why we weren’t able to make a meaningful emotional connection. I have nothing but good feelings for my other exes, but with this dude, a big part of me kind of hopes he’s miserable.
Anyway, I don’t think you should contact him. I don’t think that will help you to stop thinking about him. I think you have to try to come to terms with your feelings, with what happened, and accept it. I’m a fan of writing letters/journal entries to yourself to get some of it out there.
Post # 12
Is it possible you view your relationship with the ex as unfinished business since you “failed” to help him recover from alcoholism? I think one of the best ways to really move past something is to sit down and really think about how you handled the relationship. If you did all that you could possibly do to be loving and supportive to your ex, then that’s all you can do. There is no sense in opening those lines of communication back up and risking getting sucked into that drama all over again.
Post # 13
Okay. So this may sound stupid and corny. Forgive him. And then forgive yourself for letting him “nearly destroy” you. I was always very angry at my ex for similar reasons and my coworker said well, its your fault too. I started thinking about it and I realized although his behavior was WAY worse, I was not perfect either. And I just kinda let it go.
Post # 14
I also say don’t contact him. I have an ex who I still sometimes think about, and in the past I tried the “one last e mail to close the book” (and I wanted some revenge, too) and it doesn’t work like that (at least for me it didn’t). Either he won’t respond, and then you’ll wonder why he didn’t, or he will respond, and either won’t say what you are looking for him to say, or will say what you want him to say, but either way, I don’t think it helps or brings any closure.
What if every time you think of him, you say to yourself basically just what you said here: The relationship was toxic, he nearly destroyed me. (then tell yourself) Stop thinking about him.
I think its natural to think about ex’s, especially when you are getting ready to get married and make such a huge commitment, and thinking about anything can have a snowball effect: the more you think about him (or think about how not to think about him), the more you will think about him.
When he pops into your head, just repeat some mantra to yourself, and force your mind to move on. Soon, you won’t be thinking about him at all. I also like the idea a previous poster had about writing a letter with all your feelings, but not sending it. Good luck!
Post # 15
don’t EVER seek revenge. you are the one who will suffer. it’s this little thing called KARMA.
I’m glad you came to us first. Hopefully we can bring you over to our side!
Post # 16
Ahh, I see. Well, I’ve heard that the opposite of love isn’t hate because hate shows emotion but instead it’s indifference. Don’t know the truth to that and this is somewhat of b**chy advice, but I think the action is the best one for the situation, is to not tell him yourself. If you tell him in some random note you are seeking him out and showing you still care, and that’s not what you’re going for. He’ll find out your married and happy, I’m sure you’ve got facebook or something and one of his friends has seen it. Just be happy, knowing you are happy and that he didn’t ruin you and just don’t give him any chance to spoil that.