(Closed) I can’t believe I am posting this, but it is REALLY bothering me.

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Thanks, Bee… 16 days away!!!  My bachelorette party is this weekend 🙂

 

xoxo

Post # 49
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It really does seem like you are more concerned with your ex health wise than anything else. It is clearly obvious that you don’t hate him and you are just wanting to make sure that he is doing alright. I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting him healthy and happy, but is isn’t really your place to see that it happens like that. I wouldn’t go out of my way to ensure that he knows about your marriage coming up, that point is moot and he could drive himself to drinking. All you need is one thing to think about, and it is all it takes. Not talking on experience here, I don’t drink. But I have seen it. An email just saying hi how are you doing, would be fine. But I wouldn’t look too much into it. Maybe some peace of mind is all you need.

Post # 50
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I agree with the not emailing.  But it sometimes helps me when I can’t let something go to just obsess over it for awhile.  Let your self play out the conversations in your head, stop trying not to think about it and just focus on it for an afternoon.  Sometimes that makes it easier to let it go.

Post # 51
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

I agree with everyone else.  Do not get in touch with him.  It can’t accomplish anything good.  It just engages with his drama yet again, something you never want to involve youself with in any way again.  Never ever ever contact him again — this is a stumbling block for you and you never want it to affect (or ruin) your marriage.

Post # 52
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Bee bee, of course I don’t mean to hurt you or anything. I’ve been there were you were before (in our “little psycho world” with my abusive ex for 2 yrs).

It is indeed true that in a relationship like that, the person who allows the abuse to go on does so because she (most often a woman) is emotionally dependent on the abuser. The whole key to growing out of it is to understand that nobody can make us happy but ourselves. This is something both I and my fiance sometimes still have a hard time understanding, because we both have been abused in past relationships.

It seems to me that you want to hurt him with your happiness because you are still mad that he didn’t make you happy. As I wrote above, the key to being able to let go of this feeling is to realize that NOBODY can make you happy, it’s up to you.

As a matter of fact I’ve been tempted – just recently – to reconnect with my ex through FB. But then I realized that I just wanted to tell him “look at how happy I am, you didn’t destroy me” and so I let this feeling go. 

Hope you can do the same.

Post # 53
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I completely understand where you’re coming from and have been there myself but you should think about how much your Fiance means to you and really, how hurt he’d be if you were to contact your ex. I don’t mean this in a hurtful way but it’d almost be selfish to put your need for revenge before your FI’s feelings…I hope that makes sense! Someone told me this years ago–that the only person who can help you get closure is yourself. At the time, it was totally not what I wanted to hear but in retrospect she was right. It’s similar to what other bees have said–even IF you were to call/email your ex, he might not react the way you want and you still wouldn’t have closure. I really think this is something you’ll slowly get over with time, and if not–perhaps take the advice of other bees and write that email but just don’t send it. It might help to just get all your feelings out. Good luck!

Post # 54
Member
683 posts
Busy bee

I think you need to dig deep to find out why you would want to hurt him. I had a similar situation and went through a phase similar to yours- and I wasn’t truly at peace until I stopped feeling like I wanted to get back at him. Until I FORGAVE him- and forgave myself. I realized I wasn’t only angry at him- but for myself for putting up with him for so long. I felt so foolish.

We have the same circle of friends and learning of his downs didn’t help me- learning that he was happy made me realize we could all just get on with our lives. After I stopped feeling like I had to show off my “awesome” life to him we can now run into each other without awkwardness. I owe the happiness in my current relationship to the forgiveness. I hope you can take this as food for thought.

On another note- why not therapy? It’s a gift to yourself In My Humble Opinion.

Good luck sister!

Post # 56
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

The reason why I say email him is because you obviously have some things on your chest that you would want to get off, and I dont believe in holding it all in for that long. It obviously weighs heavy on your mind to contact him so in that case, write him his final goodbyes. If it makes it easier, send the email and then block his email address from emailing you back (it can be done) that way you wont be tempted to open the can of worms. And who knows, it may help him in the long run to get and stay sober, you know what I mean.

I have written that letter before, but I sent it snail mail and prayed he never had gall to return send a letter to me which he didnt. Maybe hand write a letter, it might help to get the words out…

Post # 57
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

I saw earlier that you want to write, so why not write a letter as if you were venting to him, and then burn it? It could be very cathartic for a writer and it would have the same effect I think, you would get it all out and It wouldn’t matter that he didn’t read it! That way you can do something to move forward and stay loyal to your wonderful Fiance at the same time.

I understand the revenge thoughts though, i have a compulsive liar/cheater as an ex in my past and MAN i have the same urges.

Post # 58
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have a similar experience, but from the ex’s side. I wasn’t an alcoholic and neither was he, but I did have a nasty break up with someone. Then, about a year after the last time the ex and I spoke, I got an email from him. An email to tell me he had moved on and met someone else. Even though he was trying to tell me about his new life, to be honest, all I thought was that he must still have feelings for me if he was contacting me after the time that had passed. For some reason, it made me feel empowered and happy, not jealous. Maybe he was trying to get revenge but I felt like I “won” a little bit. I couldn’t help but think that if he was so happy why was he needing to tell me instead of enjoying his new life? I’m not saying that you in anyway have feelings for him, but I’m just saying that HE might think that you do. And instead of proving what a fantastic life you have without him, you may get him thinking something totally different.

Post # 60
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

I’m glad you didn’t contact him.  It’s good that it’s over.  You have no doubts and no qualms with how your life is now with your Fiance!

Post # 61
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Laughing

Good for you!!!

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