(Closed) I can't believe I am typing this out.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
2924 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@danisalci13:  You are in a horrible situation, and my heart breaks for you. I think you know deep in your heart that things will not get better. You also understand on a fundamental level that you do not deserve to be treated liket his. 

The idea of calling of a wedding is incredibly overwhelming. I’m feeling anxious for you just at the thought. However, I can tell you from experience that it is so very hard to leave a marriage. I won’t go into the details, but I lived through a year of the worst depression I have ever experienced since my diagnosis nearly 20 years ago and was at the brink of suicide before I could even admit that it was an option. Divorce, even when it’s the right thing to do, is a heart-wrenching process.

If you are questioning your ability to be able to cancel a wedding, imagine your life years down the road with a man who only brings you misery and making you feel like you have less power and ability than you do now. Please take care of yourself. 

Post # 78
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My husband and I say things we regret when we fight, but NOTHING like this. I highly recommend leaving now while it’s easier. Divorce is much messier than leaving right now while you have the advantage. You’ll be better off. Please.

Post # 79
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

Please get out now. You deserve so much better.

Post # 80
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

OP, I don’t have anything to add that PPs haven’t covered, but I just wanted to add another voice to the chorus in case it helps you build up the courage you need here. Please, please don’t marry him. It will only get worse, and as far as vendors go, it is only money. 

Post # 81
Member
6515 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@danisalci13:  i think you reslly need to take a step back and realize what you are getting yourself into. Would you have married your ex bf? Probably not. Well…you are headed in that direction. The worst thing you can do is to go into a marriage thinking thst you can get a divorce if it doesnt work out. Back out of your wedding now and save yourself the expense it will tske for you to get divorced. Its not cheap! And seeing how your fiance is now…he might make it difficult for you to divorce him just out of spite. A friend of mine is going through it right now and its messy.

I know its easier said than done, but I would hate to see someone marry a person like this. It only gets worse. Not better. 

Post # 82
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

I am sorry this is happening to you. You deserve SO MUCH better. You say you won’t back out of the wedding because don’t have the guts, but it’s because you don’t have the self respect. I urge you to call it off. Life is too short and you are too precious to be abused and mistreated this way, and it will only get worse with time. Do not give your future children the life sentence of having a father like this. How would you feel if he said these things to your little girl someday? Stay strong and do the right thing. This is your LIFE. It’s worth the lost deposits and so much more!

Post # 83
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@danisalci13:  Oh no no no. Sweetie, he’s starting to show serious signs of verbal abuse. This is NOT right. You know it will escalate. You need to get yourself out of this situation. 

Post # 84
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@danisalci13:  

It is completely your decision if you want to stay with this man. However, I don’t think that you will have a happy marriage if you don’t call off the wedding.

Think about how beaten down you felt when you were in an abusive relationship before. Imagine being bound forever to a man like that. 

Leaving and seeking counseling would be an emotionally healthy choice. 

Post # 85
Member
6013 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

You’re an adult.  You know what you should do, will it be hard … sure but it’s more expensive to pay for a divorce too. 

Post # 86
Member
9947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @danisalci13:  Aaaaah Hon, I am sooo sorry you are going thru this sh!t on top of everything else right now.

Frown *sad face*

As a woman who was in a long term abusive marriage, I have to say I agree with the other Bees… this mess WILL NOT get any better… it will ONLY GET WORSE over time.

Your Fiancé is showing his true colours… be it because he couldn’t keep the charade up long term… or that the recent stress in both your lives (Brother’s Passing / Wedding Planning) has set him off

BUT you now clearly can see the man you are about to marry.  And it isn’t a pretty sight.

No doubt you are overwhelmed… and hurting at the relization.

Here is my best advice…

Tell him outright that you have decided to Postpone / Cancel the Wedding… as you need some time to think.  Tell him the reason is you are stressed out, overwhelmed, burned out, and not the same person you were PRIOR to your Brother’s Passing (I am sure… NOT A WORD OF THAT would be false)

Tell him you need to take a break and get some help to get yourself in a place where you can deal with all that these feelings have stirred up for you

And then, go out and get yourself some counselling.  Therapy to deal with both the Death / Loss as well as to reground yourself / find yourself.  Help to find out / discover WHO YOU ARE in this new reality, and where to go from here

(Not an unusual thing to do when there has been a MAJOR DEATH in one’s life, BTW)

You don’t live with your Fiancé so taking a break won’t be terribly difficult.  If you need something to “blame it on” (for convenience / not wanting to go thru myriad of emotional confrontation with him)… tell him you need to be around more for your Parents and what they are going thru.  You need to right now be 2 Children for them… the one they’ve lost, and the one that is about to go out the door and marry… you cannot leave them ALL ALONE in their emptiness.  You have decided to help them thru the first year of Grief which is the worst)

In the time you are on break… work on you.  You can feel good knowing that IF you want to pick up again after with your Fiancé you can (safety net concept)…

Altho I wouldn’t

Which is ok… cause you may also discover you don’t want to either.  You may come to see the light in your break… and grow apart.  C’est la vie.  Easier than ripping off the bandaid in this emotionally fragile time for you

If anyone asks about the Wedding… tell the truth

In light of the passing of your Brother… you’ve decided to Postpone things indefinitely.  Until YOU & Your Family are back on their feet

(Historically… Families took a year or more to grieve a death… there were no celebrations… and certainly NO WEDDINGS.  So what you are doing is “not unusual”.  It is probably in some ways very repsectful to the complicated feelings that your Parents are having etc)

A year out… so August 2014 (8 months from now)… re-evaluate.  By then you should know… begin to plan again or not.

— — —

Personally, I have to agree with the other Bees this man is emotionally abusive.  The words he’s called you… NOT OK

His inability to tolerate your Dad’s Religious views… NOT OK

His being cruel to you… and in front of others… NOT OK

And making snarky remarks about your Sexual Past … NEVER OK

This is not a man YOU WANT to marry… trust me.  This man is not the man you DESERVE

YOU DESERVE SOMEONE THAT RESPECTS & LOVES YOU.  He isn’t it.

I am sorry you had to find this out now… in the midst of everything else… but be thankful NOW BEFORE THE WEDDING than after

Breaking off an Engagement is a lot easier emotionally / financially than a Divorce ever will be (Divorce is H#LL… God awful… something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy)

Hope this helps,

PS… Find a Woman’s Centre if you can… they have counsellors that work with Abuse Victims… they can help put you on track.  They tend to have experience in Trauma & Grief Counselling as well… so everything you need can be dealt with in one spot (Abuse & Death).  Really commit yourself to the process.  I’m not sure how much Counselling you did after your past BF… but YES there is “a pattern” to being a victim… you need to understand that pattern, so you can break it ONCE AND FOR ALL.  Your Self Esteem will get a HUGE boost, you’ll be a NEW YOU.  You will stop “settling” for men who drift into your life (or you into theirs)… you will learn to “target date” and set standards.  If a guy doesn’t meet YOUR Standards, you won’t date him.  Period.  This whole process Counselling thru to Dating in the future WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.  I promise !!

(( HUGS ))

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat

 

Post # 87
Member
2360 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

Echoing PP’s… This is NOT right. Call off the wedding! His behavior is not your fault, I repeat, not.your.fault. 

PP’s gave excellent advice, just another bee telling you you are worth more than this and you can do the right thing/best thing for you, you can!

Post # 88
Member
3022 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

BACK OUT.  

Honestly, I think the “drastic” thing would be marrying a bully. You know you deserve better. You know this is emotional abuse. YOU KNOW! 

BACK OUT!!!!

Post # 89
Member
10987 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He’s treating you this way because he is an abuser.  It will be no different with the next victim.  And there is always a next victim.

I think some counseling for yourself is in order to work on breaking this pattern.

And of course, I can’t emphasize enough what a mistake it would be to marry this guy.  He’ll just get worse as he feels he really “has” you.

Post # 90
Member
1541 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m not going to jump on the leave him bandwagon without more information….

Have you ever talked to him about this when your both calm? What’s his reaction. Does he blow you off or act like he does not care? Does he know its wrong? Does he apologize and say he hates that he treat s you like that but in the moment he just doesn’t know how to stop? Those are the driving facto rs and the main difference between an abusive man….and a good man with abusive habits.

Abusive men won’t stop, don’t care to stop, they won’t even admit their wrong, nothing. To them its normal and he did no wrong. They don’t care how and if they hurt you. Its like to them they are the king. Selfish controlling, threatening, you name it. Those guys will yell and scream, rarely apologize. Its like a game to them. 

Good men with abusive habits on the other hand have a hard time controlling their anger and emotions. Its basically an anger problem. They speak without thinking based on their feelings and your reaction. They love you and honestly really want to be better. They might point out your faults but they don’t deny their own. They know it and hate it too. If you fight back, yell or scream, threaten him in any way just as a means of defending yourself or because your hurt then this could be your guy. Change requires both of you. He likely needs what he does not deserve… Respect and so do you.  but you need to decide if he’s worth it. 

If you think he’s the first…. Then I would say leave. But if you think he’s the second PM me and we can talk. Good luck.

We are all responsible for our own actions. Regardless what you do, he chooses to treat you that way. And vice versa. You need to not just demand respect but be respectable as well. Walk away from him when he says something mean and do it with confidence and with a firm voice say no you cannot talk to me like that. Stand up for yourself!

Post # 91
Member
10987 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

OP, if you went to a counselor who knew there was abuse going on & was still willing to see you as a couple, I strongly recommend you find a new counselor more skilled in working with abuse cases.

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