Hi @danisalci13: Aaaaah Hon, I am sooo sorry you are going thru this sh!t on top of everything else right now.
As a woman who was in a long term abusive marriage, I have to say I agree with the other Bees… this mess WILL NOT get any better… it will ONLY GET WORSE over time.
Your Fiancé is showing his true colours… be it because he couldn’t keep the charade up long term… or that the recent stress in both your lives (Brother’s Passing / Wedding Planning) has set him off
BUT you now clearly can see the man you are about to marry. And it isn’t a pretty sight.
No doubt you are overwhelmed… and hurting at the relization.
Here is my best advice…
Tell him outright that you have decided to Postpone / Cancel the Wedding… as you need some time to think. Tell him the reason is you are stressed out, overwhelmed, burned out, and not the same person you were PRIOR to your Brother’s Passing (I am sure… NOT A WORD OF THAT would be false)
Tell him you need to take a break and get some help to get yourself in a place where you can deal with all that these feelings have stirred up for you
And then, go out and get yourself some counselling. Therapy to deal with both the Death / Loss as well as to reground yourself / find yourself. Help to find out / discover WHO YOU ARE in this new reality, and where to go from here
(Not an unusual thing to do when there has been a MAJOR DEATH in one’s life, BTW)
You don’t live with your Fiancé so taking a break won’t be terribly difficult. If you need something to “blame it on” (for convenience / not wanting to go thru myriad of emotional confrontation with him)… tell him you need to be around more for your Parents and what they are going thru. You need to right now be 2 Children for them… the one they’ve lost, and the one that is about to go out the door and marry… you cannot leave them ALL ALONE in their emptiness. You have decided to help them thru the first year of Grief which is the worst)
In the time you are on break… work on you. You can feel good knowing that IF you want to pick up again after with your Fiancé you can (safety net concept)…
Altho I wouldn’t
Which is ok… cause you may also discover you don’t want to either. You may come to see the light in your break… and grow apart. C’est la vie. Easier than ripping off the bandaid in this emotionally fragile time for you
If anyone asks about the Wedding… tell the truth
In light of the passing of your Brother… you’ve decided to Postpone things indefinitely. Until YOU & Your Family are back on their feet
(Historically… Families took a year or more to grieve a death… there were no celebrations… and certainly NO WEDDINGS. So what you are doing is “not unusual”. It is probably in some ways very repsectful to the complicated feelings that your Parents are having etc)
A year out… so August 2014 (8 months from now)… re-evaluate. By then you should know… begin to plan again or not.
— — —
Personally, I have to agree with the other Bees this man is emotionally abusive. The words he’s called you… NOT OK
His inability to tolerate your Dad’s Religious views… NOT OK
His being cruel to you… and in front of others… NOT OK
And making snarky remarks about your Sexual Past … NEVER OK
This is not a man YOU WANT to marry… trust me. This man is not the man you DESERVE
YOU DESERVE SOMEONE THAT RESPECTS & LOVES YOU. He isn’t it.
I am sorry you had to find this out now… in the midst of everything else… but be thankful NOW BEFORE THE WEDDING than after
Breaking off an Engagement is a lot easier emotionally / financially than a Divorce ever will be (Divorce is H#LL… God awful… something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy)
Hope this helps,
PS… Find a Woman’s Centre if you can… they have counsellors that work with Abuse Victims… they can help put you on track. They tend to have experience in Trauma & Grief Counselling as well… so everything you need can be dealt with in one spot (Abuse & Death). Really commit yourself to the process. I’m not sure how much Counselling you did after your past BF… but YES there is “a pattern” to being a victim… you need to understand that pattern, so you can break it ONCE AND FOR ALL. Your Self Esteem will get a HUGE boost, you’ll be a NEW YOU. You will stop “settling” for men who drift into your life (or you into theirs)… you will learn to “target date” and set standards. If a guy doesn’t meet YOUR Standards, you won’t date him. Period. This whole process Counselling thru to Dating in the future WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. I promise !!
(( HUGS ))
Feel free to PM me if you want to chat