Post # 1
FH and I were in a group of friends and acquaintances, when out of nowhere, an acquaintance asked me, “Have you guys talked about having kids? When are you going to have kids?” I HATE this question, particularly from people who haven’t seemed to care about any other part of my life besides my sex life. I politely said, “Whenever God wants us to,” which is the polite version of “That’s none of your business, end of discussion.” This conversation was also surprising since she (and everyone else) know that we both have demanding careers and between the two of us, work 130 hours a week, and FH will soon be living 1.5 hours away at a new job that will last 3 years. She proceeded to ask me if we were using birth control, and if so, which kind?” OMG! I was so taken aback that it took me a few seconds, and then I was going to repeat what I had just said, until FH jumped in with “We’re not in any hurry.”
I felt a little upset with FH, feeling that someone asking nosy questions like this shouldn’t be given ANY info. Ultimately, his intent was to help me out, so I am not upset with him, but feel like we shouldn’t be obliged to give out that info unless we want to. Am I overreacting?
Post # 3
In my opinion…yes, you’re overreacting.
If it was someone you just met for the first time that would be weird, but I really don’t think it’s uncommon to ask newlyweds when they plan on having kids. And for all you know she’s thinking of switching birth control options and wanted to know if you liked yours.
Also, I don’t know why you’re upset with your SO; if you’re not in any hurry to have kids, saying that will probably stop the questions whereas the response “whenever God wants us to” kinda sounds like you aren’t trying not to conceive, so a baby may be on the way soon, know what I mean?
Post # 4
It is an annoying question, but it happens. My husband’s aunt asked us when we were having kids the second we got engaged, and it just keeps going from there.
Post # 5
to the OP:I’m with you. It is rude and inconsiderate of anyone to ask a couple if they are planning on having children or when. For all any of us know, they may be having fertility problems or amy just have had a miscarriage and such a question would be painful.
Dear Abby had the best answer years ago-“Why would you ask such a question?”
Just throw it back to them. If they say” I just want to know” then you respond with “that is personal and not something I wish to share”.
Post # 6
You’re overreacting, honestly. People are just taking an interest in your life, it’s not like they’re saying “Hey, what brand of condoms do you guys use and what size?” Asking someone if they are planning to start a family is a pretty normal topic for conversation. If you’re uncomfortable talking about it, tell them up front instead of giving vague answers. People aren’t psychic, they won’t know it bothers you if you say nothing. Seems like a more productive solution than complaining after the fact.
Post # 7
The birth control question is a little weird but I don’t get what was so upsetting about this interaction. Like PP said, people are just taking an interest in your life.
Post # 8
People obviously have different levels of privacy expectations. I agree with the OP – I think it’s very rude to ask strangers/casual acquaintances about their plans to have children. Perhaps I’m sensitive to this because I know several friends who have struggled with infertility, and getting a question like that from a stranger is salt in the wound.
And to ask a stranger about birth control is beyond the pale. I’m generally an over-sharer and not a prude at ALL when it comes to talking about sex with my friends, but I don’t pry into their own lives unless they bring it up first. And I would certainly never do so with someone I barely knew!! Sheesh.
Post # 9
I don’t consider “Are you planning to have kids” a question about your sex life. “Do you have trouble conceiving?” would be, and so is the question about the birth control. But you guys just became a family, so naturally people a curious if you plan on adding to it eventually. We got this question, too and we have only been married three weeks.
Post # 10
I agree with you OP, I don’t think you are overreacting at all. I think its completely innapropriate and your answer was perfect. I think it no ones business if you are on birth control or if you are trying to conceive. You don’t need to give out any info!
Post # 11
The “when do you guys plan on having kids” question is pretty common and I don’t find it offenive. If you don’t want to answer it, just say so politely.
The birth control question seem a little more weird to me. I might discuss that with close friends or if it came up in a related conversation, but to just outright ask someone about it is odd :-P. It sounds like your husband answered pretty politely and didn’t give out much information at all, so I wouldn’t be upset with him at least
Post # 12
The birth control question is a bit much but I would never be offended by someone asking when we were planning on having kids. It’s question that nearly every newlywed will be asked over and over again and I don’t really see an issue with it. If you’re not comfortable sharing that information then say so but I personally don’t think it’s a big deal.
We’re getting married in 5 months and we’ve been together for 6 years so we’re already being asked the baby question. We answer with “in a few years” which seems to do the trick.
To answer your question, yes, I think you’re overreacting.
Post # 13
@KatyElle: “Hey, what brand of condoms do you guys use and what size?”
I just almost spit my coffee out from laughing.
But on topic, I can see how you would find that to be rude–but I’ve been asked that a lot by random people and I never think anything of it. So I have to agree with pp’s you are kind of overreacting by thinking about it so much after they’ve said it.
Post # 14
@guitargirl: Actually, I think asking whether you’re on bc or not is a very natural question given your response to her first question. The people who I know who are having kids “When God wants us to” are generally anti-bc and truly mean that they’re letting God dictate the timing of the kids – i.e. not preventing pregnancy themselves!
It’s not the MOST polite question, but like others have said, it doesn’t sound like she was trying to pry; just making conversation.
Post # 15
Having been married six months, I’ve gotten the baby question a lot. So I do think you’re overreacting to that part, because it’s going to keep on happening, and we too arent in a rush. However, the birth control thing is weird! For me, that information is only for people that I’m very close with
Post # 16
@ddw: I agree with your interpretation 100%… I don’t think the BC question would have even come up had it not been for the answer the OP gave to the friends original question. The “It is in God’s hands” is another way of saying we do not believe in BC and… could be seen as “Yes, we are planning a family if it is in the higher plan.” And would lead friends to ask the follow up questions. lol
I think you are totally overreacting. Sorry! 🙂 Now HAD she asked the condom question that KatyElle had stated….Then I could see the need for your reaction. 😉