Post # 1
OK, so this is super personal and I feel weird writing about it, but I could really use some support or advice on how to handle this situation. Last winter I had a miscarriage around 12 weeks. It totally sucked. A co-worker of mine got pregnant at the same time and our due dates were a couple days apart. Yesterday my boss informed me that she wants to throw us a joint wedding/baby shower to "celebrate the changes in our lives." I appreciate the thought and it’s nice she wants to do something special for us, but I just wanted to say thanks, but no thanks. I work for a small company and everyone knew about my pregnancy and subsequent mc. I really didn’t want any showers to begin with and none of my coworkers are invited to the wedding. The problem is that I am still emotionally healing from loosing my baby, and the thought of having to go to this event where everyone is oohing and ahhing over cute baby stuff, when I should be 8 months pregnant as well, just makes me feel really weird. I don’t know if I should just put on my big girl pants and suck it up, or if I should try to tactfully bow out. I don’t mean to sound selfish, and I am happy for my coworker… it’s just I have this wound that I’m trying to heal and I feel like having this joint wedding/baby shower thing will feel like I’m pouring salt in it. Does anyone out there have any words or wisdom or can you relate in any way? Thanks for listening.
Post # 3
Oh wow. I don’t know if I have any advice, but sending lots of hugs your way. I think it would be polite to bow out, but if you don’t want to name the specific reason, you can say that you think your coworker should have her own moment in the sun, so to speak, and you don’t want to take away from that. Then I’d call in sick that day.
Post # 4
I don’t think you should have to put on your big girl pants for this one. Your boss is being a little insensitive (unintentionally, no doubt). But, I’m sure if you pull her aside and tell her your concerns she’ll more than understand. I think that would be really, really hard.
Make sure to pamper yourself a little bit as the wedding gets closer!
Post # 5
I agree with amysue. Be gracious for their good intentions, but you are TOTALLY in the right in bowing out if you do not feel comfortable.
Post # 6
I think you should do whatever feels comfortable. If you can attend as long as it’s not also a wedding shower, great, if not, then bow out. Everyone responds to miscarriages differently, but my sister and Future Sister-In-Law both had very difficult times with theirs. It can take a lot of time to heal, and that’s okay. Besides, knowing what it’s like to be a month out from the wedding, you have plenty to deal with. You don’t need anything that can try your emotions right now. Just do what feels comfortable. I suspect most people would understand…and if not, tough! You can’t please everyone. I don’t think you get to be demanding just b/c you’re getting married, but I do think you reserve the right to be a little selfish and take care of yourself first. That’s what this is about. Heck, what if you go and break down in tears during it? That would be way worse than bowing out beforehand. Weddings and babies are such emotional times you have no idea how you will respond. I was at a wedding last week, and just started crying when I read the section in the program memorializing their relatives who have passed away (our family had a recent loss). I didn’t do it intentionally, it just happened.
Do what you need to do…and just a ((Hug)) to let you know it’s okay to feel how you feel.
Post # 7
Ah, northernazbride, I am so sorry for your loss. What a heartbreaking thing to deal with. I’m sure your boss had really good intentions, but I think it’s completely understandable that you’re not ready for this party. And I think it’s ok to tell your boss that. If you don’t feel comfortable telling your boss the reason you don’t want to participate, that’s alright, too. Amysue had some good advice on bowing out gracefully and not attending the shower. I would add that if you do decide to skip out on work the day of the party, you could maybe let your pregnant co-worker know that it’s not because you don’t support her, but it’s just too hard for you. Anyway, good luck! I hope things turn out for you!
Post # 8
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Watching my sister deal with a miscarriage, I know that it can be incredibly painful and can take a long, long time to heal. Don’t put yourself in a position to pour salt on the wound; you can bow out gracefully and your boss and co-workers will understand.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Post # 9
northernarizonabride- I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. My sister in law miscarried last fall and it was so heartbreaking.
I think your boss’ heart is in the right place, but as doctorgirl wrote, she is being insensitive to your situation. Since you do work for a small company and it sounds as if you’re close with your coworkers, I would try to just have a short conversation with your boss about it to clear the air. Let her know you appreciate her gesture and that you are happy for your co-worker and also excited for your upcoming wedding. HOWEVER, also let her know that you still feel very sad about losing your baby through the miscarriage and that it is a loss you will be dealing with for a very long time. Let her know that emotionally, doing a joint shower will be too much for you. Perhaps suggest helping with some aspect of your co-workers shower and keeping the shower just focused on her, and then maybe make some suggestion about what you’d like to do with co-workers to celebrate your wedding, for example going out to a restaurant together. That way, both celebrations can be happening but they’ll be quite separate (um, hello, as they should be).
I think sometimes people think lumping together celebrations makes it easier and they don’t consider the feelings of the people involves. Reminds me of my friends with Christmas birthdays who are sick to death of people saying "I’ll just give you one present for both things!" Also, and the bigger issue here, is that miscarriages are tragic and people don’t really get that, and therefor don’t know how to deal with it. They are not talked about very often and when they do happen, people often say "oh well they can always try again". But, as my brother said when this happened to them, it is dealing with a death- plain and simple.
Good luck. I hope the advice on here helps. Go with your gut on this one. You have a lot on your plate and shouldn’t feel obligated to "suck it up".
Post # 10
I miscarried at 9 weeks in 2007 and I am still feeling the lingering pain to this day. I totally understand where you are coming from. The idea of going to a baby shower would have been horrible, especially so close to your original due date. A lot of people have a hard time understanding the grief associated with miscarriage, because there was no tangible evidence of a baby that early in the pregnancy. I’m sure your boss doesn’t even realize how painful this will be for you. If you don’t want to go into it, just say that you appreciate the gesture but you’d like to let your coworker have a shower of her own, and you don’t really need one after all. If they push the issue, feel free to say "I’m just not ready for a baby shower yet."
For what it’s worth, I got pregnant again (by accident, so without any difficulty, obviously). I must have gone to the bathroom every 30 minutes from the minute I figured it out until I passed the 9 week mark. I went through a lot of toilet paper. But now I’m 11 weeks, feeling great, have seen the heartbeat, and know that 85-90% of women who have miscarried carry to term on their next pregnancy. Your chances are great that things will go well, and it might even happen sooner than you think. Best of luck.
Post # 11
I am so sorry about your loss as well! I think that you definitely need to do what you feel comfortable doing!
Look at it this way though- This is a HUGE celebration in your life, as well as hers, let your co-workers spoil you both for the day! Since they aren’t invited to the wedding, they can still feel like part of your celebration. You deserve to share that attention with her, even if it is for different reason. Like others have said, it is really hard to get over a MC, but there is a good chance for the future! It is, essentially, YOUR choice, so don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to do this! Just know that if you do, it may be very rewarding for you! Keep your head up, and just do what feels right with you! Congratulations on getting married as well!
Post # 12
Thank you so much ladies! I really appreciate your support. I keep going back and forth over the issue, that’s why I decided to post about it. It’s sort of therapeutic for me. I agree with you sept27bride that it could be a fun celebration! On the other hand, I could wind up bawling my eyes out in the car when it’s all over. I just don’t know…
amandopolis- I’m so happy for you that things are progressing so well! Thank you for sharing your experience with me, it makes me feel a little less alone. We plan on waiting about a year and then trying again!
Post # 13
Wow, this puts you in a very unique and uncomfortable situation…which makes it hard for some of us to really put ourselves in your shoes and tell you that we "know how you feel" .. but all I can say is.. go with your heart on this one. Everyone has made good points but all in all, it comes down to what feels right for you.
I’m very sorry for your loss and it must be hard to try and think positive and be happy to have this up and coming wedding.. but Best of luck to you and all of us bees are in your corner!!
Post # 14
I don’t think that your boss meant to hurt you. I have a feeling he/she was trying to include you as well as celebrate for your wedding. It sounds like this time is going to be hard enough as it is, you don’t need to be reminded of your mc as well.
Could you possibly set some time aside to talk to your boss about this? I have a feeling that your boss meant the best, but somehow didn’t really think this through.
Best of luck to you!
Post # 15
Oh that is hard. I’d talk to your boss privately and share your feelings but also express that you wish to attend her shower, but not have a JOINT shower due to the pain it might make you relive.
My sister miscarried a few months when I was further into my pregnancy with my son. She would have delivered a month or so after me, and at my baby shower, I knew it was hurting her so I hugged her and talked to her off to the side away from all attending. She was hurting, and I wish there had been more I could do. But there IS A SILVER LINING to this…three months later she became pregnant..and my nephew J is one of my son’s bff. He’s adorable btw.
Post # 16
I’m sorry for your loss. I agree you shouldn’t have to be there. I like Belle’s idea of talking to your boss in private. I have a feeling either way, people will understand why you aren’t there. But at least your boss will know you are simply trying to deal, not being angry or anything.
Also, I kind of wonder if your boss was trying to plan them together as a way deflecting some of the baby attention off of your coworker. I think she could have been trying keep it less of a baby moment, thinking that if it was a full baby shower, you would feel worse. (Rather than have dual shower, hoping you both could simply be happy celebrating your individual milestones.)