- 9 years ago
- Wedding: March 2010
I can’t remember how far back it has been since I’ve been able to say “I’m not stressed.” For years I’ve struggled with my stress levels but was able to maintain them to a good level in high school between my writing, cross country, and track. Not long after high school I stopped running. It’s been two years and I haven’t been able to get motivated yet. But that’s beside the point.
The last few months seem as though they have been hell. Yes, I am engaged but so many things are going on at once I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.
First of all I moved out of my parents house not long after me and my Fiance started going out. My mom had found out that we were having sex and freaked out since she doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. She kept threatening to tell my dad (and he would break us up) when it wasn’t even his business to know. So I packed up my bags and left for work without even telling my parents. I knew if I did that they wouldn’t let me leave and although I regret the “way” I did this I do not regret leaving. I needed to get out and to me, the only way was the emergency way.
My moving out has been stressful to say the least. Don’t get me wrong spending every moment I can with the love of my life has been amazing but my family’s response has been everything but pleasant. They first told me we had to get married right when I moved out and said either way I MUST move home. Uhh, no, marriage on my terms thank you very much. We we finally did get engaged almost two years later but when my parents found out about that they flipped and acted like I shouldn’t even be marrying this man (the one they told me I had to marry when I first moved out.) It turns out they are more interested in their reputations and us living together then the way my life turns out. I mean all this is the tip of the iceburg with what has happened to them. So to say my relationship with them is disfunctional is like saying snow is white.
Add on top of that that my parents relationship with my Fiance is obviously on the rocks as well. My mom gave him ONE hug and has since then brought it up in every fight, like she is the martyr. They invite me to come over but when I don’t show up with him they ask where he is. If he comes they are cold, disinterested, and rude to him the whole time. I just can’t win!!
My cousin, who lived with my parents when I moved out, was my best friend my whole childhood. Not long after I moved out she had no problem telling me that I was in the wrong, even though she clearly saw the stupidity that was what my family called relationships. It doesn’t help either that she has been ignoring me ever since she moved back into my hometown. Even my brother’s gf, who is standing up in my wedding is finally revealing her true feelings to me about our whole relationship. I asked her because I thought she supported us and it turns out after all I’ve been through we are not becoming distant. My brother is a douche and I can’t handle the way he talks to me.
I just can’t help feeling completely worthless anymore. I feel picked on at work, my family doesn’t appreciate me, and since my Fiance and I have recently moved, he is/was stressed as well. I know my attitude hasn’t been the greatest but when I’m whiney or I say mean things about other people (and I feel awful that I do this, I just wish I could stop) he chimes in and says I’m so blah blah blah.
When we go out to social functions I feel like the oddball. I can talk but I can’t keep anyones interest or make them laugh. My Fiance has had much more experience in this area and sometimes when we go out he has no problem telling me that I need practice on shutting up and letting people do the talking until I have something interesting to say. It really hurt my feelings and he later realized he was being really harsh on me. But I feel so freaking awkward around everyone. I used to be so confident, so steadfast. I knew what I wanted, where to go, what to do. And I feel as though my Fiance and I have all these wonderful wonderful plans together but with all the stuff I’ve gone through lately (and my FI) I feel like I’m so consumed in everything I’m losing track of myself.
I feel like some days I could spend hours and hours sleeping and not wake up. I can’t come up with anything creative to write about besides rambling. I feel like the butt of everyone’s jokes.
So is everyone ganging up against me or am I just being a nutjob? I don’t even know where to go from here. I know I’m over the moon about getting married. I’m beyond myself with happiness when I’m with my man. And I can still appreciate the small stuff but I just can’t handle one more day of feeling defeated. Any advice?
P.S. If you’ve made it all the way to the end, you are a saint!! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.