(Closed) I can’t have babies

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

i’m so so sorry. i know you’re probably sick of hearing this but if you both really really want kids you can always adopt. ask him to be honest with you. there is no point in him trying to protect your felelings if deep down you can’t believe that he’s being truthful. tell him how you feel

Post # 4
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I am so sorry to hear that.  It has to be a painful realization when it is out of your control.  I however am in the opposite boat than you. He wants no childeren and I am on the fence about having them, well I was.  After long talks and a lot of tears, I have realized that I would rather love him the rest of my life and have no children, that not be with him at all.  You need to have a serious talk with him and get all of your feelings out there.  It may hurt at first, either decision, but you need to find out the truth.  I hope you can both decided what is the best for your future. 

Post # 5
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hi tobin, although I’ve never had any fertility tests etc I have a condition called polycystic ovary syndrome that can affect fertility and I too worry that I may not be able to have kids. I’ve also tried to prepare myself for whatever outcome and have kept my SO in the loop with everything that I know about the condition, so he is fully aware.

However that said I have a couple of friends who have PCOS and they managed to conceive, they now have beautiful healthy babies 🙂

Also does your SO know he can have children himself, has he been tested?

Without knowing what’s preventing you conceiving, I can’t really give advice from that point of view, but have you thought about IVF? I live in the UK and if you’re under 37 you get one go for free (any other attempts after that, you pay I think about £5000, around $9000).

Also as @hopeandpray said, how about adoption? There are so many little ones out there looking for Mummies.  My Father was an adopted toddler and my Grandmother loves him so much, it’s really touching to see, you wouldn’t know she’s not his birth Mother, in fact I didn’t know until I was a teenager.

I wish you all the best and hope that whatever happens you’re happy. x

Post # 6
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@domestic cat- Did you know Victoria Beckham has Polycycstic ovaries? And she has 3 kids! Also it is very common, apparently 1 in 4 women has some varying degree of it.

Tobin, I know you must be in a difficult place right now. I agree, the best thing is to have a big long chat about it. Does your Fiance know aboutall the options? Adoption etc? It might be worth talking about your feelings towards other options.

There are so many beautiful little babies out there that you could help change thier lives and bring them into a loving home. I have 3 aunts/uncles who have adopted children, 2 of which both also have birth children- and they say that youwould do anything for either.There si no difference in feelings of love.

I hope you find a happy solution

xox

Post # 7
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@hesmywatermelon I did know about VB, it gives me hope 🙂

I think I just worry because we’ve been together for nearly five years and lets just say for the past 3 we have been being less than careful and have had no ‘accidents’. I mean it’s worked out great cos I won’t be pregnant in my wedding photos LOL but I do wonder sometimes. x

Post # 8
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Its hard to have to deal with that.   Everyone else is able to have a child, but you can’t (I’m syaing it like that to be mean, but because that’s likely how you are thinking and I want to be real with how you’re feeling and what you are going through).  It isn’t ideal.

But if you know 100% that you cannot have a child, you have options.   Oddly, I have one good friend and one semi-close coworker who both could not have children.   And both of them made very different choices.

My co-worker wanted a child, she adopted a beautiful girl a little more than a year ago and she is a happy mother.  Her baby is Chinese and she is Jewish.   It doesn’t matter what kind of baby she got, she wanted a baby and loves her little girl.

My close friend took a different avenue.  She and her husband discussed options and they decided that it wasn’t meant to be for them.   They are very happy as well.  The built a dream house, they travel, the do lots of hobbies together and have a different sort of life.  They are not frivolous or hedonistic, but they don’t have the responisbility of time and money that children demand so they have a different kind of lifestyle.

Both are very happy.   You and your future hubby will come a decision that both of you agree on.  And then you could find your happiness- yes, even in your sitution you will find happiness with it.

Post # 9
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

I’m so sorry.  This has got to be extremely difficult for you.  I also was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 16 and told that having children would be difficult.  My Fiance says he is ok with it if we can’t have kids.  The other bees who have responded have given great advice.  Unfortunately I don’t have any additional advice to add on.  Please do feel free to always come here for support.  {{Hugs}}

Post # 10
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m so sorry, tobin. Have you seen an infertility clinic? Perhaps they have a new method under research (the clinic i visited for awhile always had trials going on!) that you could be eligible for. Different clinics run different trials; it’s possible another location near you would have more information for you. The Sher Institute is the one I saw for awhile and they have a ton of resources. In fact, the doctor i saw is apparently going to be on a TLC series on infertility. 

You and your SO need to have a long talk about it. I know it’s very, very stressful, but you need to know how you each feel. You also need to know that he fully supports you and will not hold this against you, EVER.

Also, if you DO decide to go ahead with the surgery, a specialty clinic like this may be more affordable. They offer a lot of different plans and I was surprised at the affordability of some of them.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Post # 11
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

Infertility is a difficult problem to work through.  Adoption is an option that I would encourage you to keep in mind.   Starting the process at least a year before you want children is the timetable to use, and it is possible to get a healthy baby, but it may take a little longer.  If you decide adoption is the way to go, check out your local county social services agency and get an idea of the process that must be followed.  They vary from state to state.  I’ve worked with at least thirty families brought together through adoption, and they are such a joy to be around.  I really wish you all the best.

Post # 12
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m so sorry that you have to grapple with this.  Without knowing the particulars of your situation, I just wanted to say that there are always options.  We were completely comfortable with the fact that I might be unable to have children and we were planning on adopting instead of going the IVF route.

In a couple of years we probably will adopt!

Post # 13
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry Tobin.  Have you considered using adoption or fostercare?

Post # 14
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m so sorry you are going through this, I have an idea of what you might be feeling(I, as others mentioned have PCOS)

I believe you both should sit down and do some soul searching, a decision does not have to be made asap, but options should be discussed to make sure you are both on the same page.

Much love, and prayers sent your way.

Post # 15
Member
2681 posts
Sugar bee

There was a period last year where I faced the possibility of not being able to have kids and me and my husband were obviously upset.  However, if it ever came down to the fact that we couldnt we would either do a surrogate (if thats a possibility?) or adopt. You can still have a beautiful healthy baby that is part of your family even if you didnt give birth to it.  Thought I completely understand how you are feeling, try to focus on positive solutions.  Is the surgery something that insurance would cover part of?

Post # 16
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

i’m really sorry, but i do know miracles can happen.. and there are always other ways to get a baby, but i really am sorry about this. i had that scare a few years back and it was traumatizing…

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