- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I really need help, bees.
I am currently working my 4th job in 2 and a half years and 2 weeks ago I was written up at my 1 year review for “inconsistent monthly reviews.” Basically I have 30 days (now about 15 days) to improve or I either get a 2nd written warning or fired.
(see this thread for my job history http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-suck-at-my-job-long-but-i-need-advice#axzz2p0K7Tusv)
The thing is, I know I’m not at my best. At first I thought it was because I was so stressed out about buying a house, planning our wedding, etc. But we’ve been married for 3 months and in our house for 6. And while I’m still adjusting to married life, etc, I am still SO stressed out about so many other things that I still can’t concentrate.
I’ve had anxiety/depression off and on my entire life. And right now it’s SO bad….. my appetite is all over the place, I can’t sleep, I have no motivation ….. and can’t concentrate – at work, driving, at home. I can’t even read a book for pleasure or watch a movie.
I have a ton of other stuff going on in my life -sick mom, sick Mother-In-Law, sister moved out of state, weight issues, struggling with my desire to be a writer (that’s something else I can’t concentrate on), etc, etc.
I just started taking Celexa (anti-depressant) in addition to my Buspar (anti-anxiety), and it’s helping, but I know it takes months to help completely. And I do have an appt with a therapist in 2 weeks but ….. by then it may be too late (for my current job).
I do think my job right now is very high-pressure and I’m always under a microscope. So I think I do need a change of pace and something much more low key.
But ….. what is that? I’ve worked retail and hated it. I’ve worked so many office jobs. I hated all of them.
I just don’t know what to do, where to go. I desperately need to make money. My husband and I are struggling financial as it is. I can’t afford to just quit “for my health” or even go on disability or FMLA. And even if I take a part time or more “low key” temp job, we’ll still be financially screwed.
My husband is currently in school (and working full time), and while I’ve considered going back to school, I don’t know what I’d go for. Or if I could handle it, especially with everything going on right now.
I am just so lost. I feel so stupid and useless and like a bad person. Like an irresponsible, bad employee and piece of crap.
But I KNOW that’ s not me. I’m no genius, but I’m smart. I’m creative. I’m friendly. I love helping people. I love the arts.
But …… that’s all buried under my stress, anxiety, and fear right now. I just can’t get my confidence back – at work or in my personal life.
Again, I know that meds and therapy will help. But that takes time, I don’t HAVE time. I have 2 weeks to clean up my act at work!!!
And I honestly don’t know how much longer I can live my life shuffling through like this – depressed, anxious, scared……
I feel like a shell of myself. I know I’m meant for something better. I just don’t know how to get over this hump. And with the “improve or bust” deadline looming at work …..I just …..I’m going crazy.