Post # 32
I don’t understand, sorry OP. You’re time is coming in 2 months. Yes I’m sure you’re getting super antsy the closer it gets…I’m sure I will too. However, I don’t think you should be so unhappy all the time about this.
Is there something you’re wanting your guy to say? He tells you he wants a future with you, what else are you looking for? Specifics about…the wedding? Or housing? or….
Post # 33
@Shirinjoon: Then I don’t understand why you’re complaining. If he talks about it—why must HE bring it up? Some people just don’t until prompted. Maybe it would be good for you to take some time off from the bee. It’s obviously making you even more anxious in real life.
Post # 34
@Shirinjoon: Dude, if you’re gonna peace out, then peace out! I think we’re all on each other’s sides here. We all have a common bond here: we’re women with marriage on the brain. You came here seeking advice (maybe?) and aren’t happy with the results. If you’re unhappy here, bow out like you said you want to. Coming back to have the last word isn’t productive. Go talk to your boyfriend, get things straightened out, then come back here to plan your wedding. We’ll see you later 🙂
Post # 35
@Shirinjoon: You seem to be convinced that people are being mean to you when in reality you don’t want to listen to what people are telling you. Sometimes in life uncomfortable conversations need to happen (such as this one) and if this is how you react, I’m not sure why you keep asking for opinions. You’re not interested in honesty, you want people to tell you “Tee hee, he’s probably waiting to surprise you with a proposal!” Call me crazy but marriage is a big decision and adults talk it over which he’s not doing. And if this is how you deal with uncomfortable discussions in real life and especially concerning marriage, all I can say it “good luck.”
Post # 36
@Shirinjoon: “He has never once refused to talk about it. I am simply saying that I wish HE were the one to bring it up, not me. He is always very sweet and open when I do bring it up.”
That wasn’t really clear from the post, actually. The post makes it sound like you’re constantly censoring yourself because he doesn’t want you to talk about it. But if he’s not, and it’s just that he doesn’t bring it up unprompted – there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that! He might just not want to bring it up until the engagement so he can “surprise” you.
Either way, I think it’s a good idea to get off WB until you’re planning a wedding. I agree that it can make a person focus way too much on her “waiting” status. That, in turn, makes her focus on her feelings of powerlessness and passivity – never a good thing!
Post # 37
@mightywombat: I would never be with a man who refuses to talk about the future or who sends out the vibe that he just isnt interested in the conversation. I should have been more clear that my SO has been nothing but receptive when I bring it up. However, he never brings it up on his own and that bothers me because I want us to be able to talk about it freely. Which is why I wanted to bring it up tonight. Anyway, these posts are always misleading because people never truly know the dynamics of a relationship based on a post.
I agree with you too that it’s best to get off–I know i will feel much better because i wont be constantly focused on wating.
Post # 38
I agree 100% that such conversations need to happen and I think that those ladies who advised me to do that are absolutely right. That’s not why I’m offended. I am offended because one or two ladies on the boards automatically assume based on a frustrated post that the relationship is doomed and that the woman should just move on. My post never asked for someone’s opinion on the relationship–but rather advice on how to approach this conversation and how to handle it. I really hate when people just jump and tell you “oh honey he’s not interested, move on”…..how can you say that when you dont even know me, him, or our relationship….and especially when I never asked for advice on whether to stay or go!
Post # 39
one or two people in life will always be there to make you feel unhappy and dissatisfied. Plug along and do whats best for you regardless of those “one or two”.
Post # 40
@Shirinjoon: I think I’m getting evenmore confused. You want to discuss it freely with him. You can talk about it and he’s kind and receptive. He doesn’t happen to bring it up. But because he doesn’t bring it up you feel it means you can’t discuss it freely? The simple fact that he lets you talk about it with him means you ARE discussing it freely. The fact he’s not talking about it could simply be because he’s a guy. He doesn’t have anything to talk about. Just because he doesn’t initiate the conversation doesn’t mean he’s avoiding it or you can’t talk about it with him.
I believe my guy and I talk about it freely but more often than not, if we do, I’ve initiated the conversation because I have questions about it (how long does it take to plan a wedding, why is a venue so expensive). If I don’t have questions we don’t talk about it. It isn’t because he’s avoiding. He knows more about weddings than I do. We both know where we are going with this. The only thing left to talk about are final details about the ring and when he decides to propose – which I don’t want to know. If your SO talks about the future with you but happens to not be an initiator it may be because he literally has nothing to discuss.
Another question I have is what is it you want him to talk about? Do you want him to tell you about his plans? Talk about how his family feels? Again, if he’s not curious about it the most he could say is, “well, how bout them engagements? Crazy stuff huh?” I’m sorry the waiting is getting hard. But I’m sure many ladies, myself included, would be thrilled to be as close as you are.
Post # 41
July is just one month away!
I know it’s frustrating, but it’s so close. Guys aren’t the type to just bring it up on their own. My guy will talk about the logistical stuff: how we’d move my stuff to another state, how long he’s going to lease an apartment til I get there, etc, but he doesn’t say, “Let’s talk about how we’re getting engaged.”
It’s just in the differences of male and female communication. I think sometimes we get so caught up in the proposal side of things we don’t think about everything else that has to happen first, or that a man needs to do.
I’m sorry you’re leaving the bee, but I don’t think anyone was trying to be necessarily mean. The thing about the internet is that everyone here has the advantage of being objective, so they can give unbiased advice.
Honestly, sometimes I’ve thought that maybe he’s just not ready when I read your posts. But like you said, it’s impossible for us to know how your relationship is in real life, because we have very little information.
But it does seem that you are pretty unhappy most of the time about your situation. I know waiting is not fun, but sometimes it gets confusing whether you’re unhappy with waiting or unhappy with the relationship in general.
We just want to help.
Post # 42
I am so sorry your post ended up this way. PM me if you ever need someone to talk to.
Post # 43
calm talks are great! i highly suggest typeing everything up first, get it all out on paper, vent, say what you think you need to say, hit save, and sit on it for a day or two…then, print it, shread it! I do this all the time, its a great method for calming myself down, then when i go talk to fi or my parents or who ever, i feel so much calmer and am able to talk with out getting overly emotiional!
good luck and hugs!
Post # 44
I had a similar experience when I was waiting…My Fiance later explained that he wanted me to be surprised! So every time I would bring it up he would change the subject or end the conversation. I was frustrated because I felt he didn’t want to discuss our future or possible engagement, but really he just wanted to catch me when I least expected it. In fact he even postponed the proposal several times simply because I brought up the topic of “when is it going to happen”!
If you have a agreed date of July then maybe he is just trying to keep a element of surprise and he feels that talking about the subject will ruin his special moment that he is planning for you!
Just a thought….
Post # 45
I can’t count how many times I’ve had the same repetative conversation over and over with my girlfriends about the dysfunctions of their relationships… sometimes yout just need to get it out to feel better. Your friends may offer the best advice in the world, but if all you’re really looking for is a platform to vent, then it’s moot. I’m not a Waiting Bee any longer, but I eagerly follow a few of the girls stories here, and have mentally marked some of their “timeline dates”, hoping for a happy ending.
Shirinjoon: I sincerely hope you come back in July with an update, and I encourage you to post here again if you need to get anything off your chest, and just disregard replies that don’t give you the “warm and fuzzies” they’re trying to help you in their own ways, and tough love is still love right? In the meantime, maybe a break isn’t a bad idea? As you said, it will give you a chance to shift some of the focus off waiting, and onto something more constructive. Best of luck dear… hope to hear from you soon 🙂
Post # 46
I agree with duck. Write it out first and then talk. Writing certainly helps me to get things i n order, sort of a outline of what I want to say.