(Closed) I can’t keep quiet anymore, it hurts too much

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

It’s crazy that you have to sit around and be so anxious, day after day.  Belive me I 100% know what that feels like (read my previous posts).  It sucked all the fun out of my relationship and I literally felt like I was going to snap all the time.  Being on edge is SO DRAINING and I had almost no self esteem or strength to continue, so I left my Boyfriend or Best Friend a couple of months ago.  I missed him like crazy for like 6 weeks but now my self esteem has done a complete 180.

We are both in our mid thirties, and I would suggest we move in together, and he would respond with “why don’t you move here to the couch so we can watch a movie?”.  He was ALWAYS side-stepping the “talk” and I hated him for that.  I constantly thought I was not pretty enough, smart enough, etc.

Why don’t you go back and read your posts?  That’s what I did, repeatedly until I finally got the courage to leave.  I am so happy now.  It really truly does get better once you rip off that band-aid and bleed for a while.

I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, he just doesn’t seem excited to marry you.  Don’t you deserve better?  For someone to KNOW that you are so upset about not being engaged, all the while DELAYING it… that just seems like unnecessary torture.  I think of my son when he is sick.  I don’t wait 2 days to get his medicine.  I get it immediately because I don’t want him to suffer.  Think about that.

Post # 48
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

@MissHoneyBun: I see what you mean in your #17 post.  It doesn’t matter if her Boyfriend or Best Friend is going to propose or not.  It’s not really even about him and why he is or isn’t doing this or that.  This is about HER and how this torture is making her absolutlely crazy.  I have been there, and I understand the desperation.  It took me a really long time to see the light.  She hasn’t seen it yet, so we should be sympathetic to her pain, even though to us, logically it doesn’t make sense.  I see your point totally, but I have also been in her shoes.  If she’s unhappy, she should leave, regardless if he intends on marrying her or not.

I don’t think she’s completely convinced about him proposing.  If she were, she would be much happier.  She would be in a much healthier place that it wouldn’t matter what he’s doing.

I was in this position earlier this year.  I SAVED MYSELF from more torture and bounced.  I hope a miracle happens and this guy wakes up and sees her for all she’s worth.

Post # 49
Member
1643 posts
Bumble bee

@Mrs. Harmony: I’m glad you get what I said, but I think you missed one of my points by a teeny bit. It’s really hard for me to have sympathy for someone who has created NUMEROUS threads about how horrible her situation is, and how totally miserable she is, but then when someone steps up and says “Hey, here’s how you can fix it, or else it’s not worth it…” and she FLIPS OUT and gets defensive, not of herself, but of the very person she’s been ranting about…it just drives me a little crazy. 

Post # 50
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hi again Shirinjoon! You do ask for advice, and when you get it, you choose selectively which advice supports you hanging on to your situation, when there’s plenty of other advice to be had here — you just don’t seem to want to hear it.  It’s tough, I know, but I agree with some of the other PPs that you have been miserable — but then when someone underlines this to you — you immediately come to his defense! He does not seem in any way whatsoever to be making a move – doesn’t want to talk about, even lightheartedly, doesn’t want to be physically intimate anymore (on antidepressants, you say, which have dulled his sex drive), listened to his parents when they told him to forego marriage with you some years back… now you tell us in an earlier post that his parents may not even be able to make it back to the States by July! What are you waiting for?! He needs to lose you; you need to leave him, get up on your own two feet, LIVE elsewhere and start living.  If he can’t live without you, he’ll know that in a very short time and come running.  Then, finally, you’ll be in the driver’s seat and you’ll get to decide what truly works for you.  Clearly, this doesn’t.. and there’s no value in waiting ’til July.  Take matters into your own hands now.

Post # 51
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Shirinjoon: You could always pull a switcheroo and propose to him :p I’m sure if my fiance had done that I would of said yes just a possible alternate option. Hopefully though the fact he doesn’t talk about it that maybe he is planning something. Myself personally there is no way for me to keep a secret from my fiance, so the only way to avoid me spoiling a surprise I usually just try to avoid convos on it. Hoping he pops the question soon for you though 🙂

Post # 52
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Shirinjoon: I feel like you and I have been sharing our journey with similar time times and similar waiting woes, so even though I gather you’re leaving or have left the boards, I wanted to just give you a cyber ((hug)) if you are still lurking…

The repetitiveness of your posting is something you fully acknowledge and while the others have a point that you can’t keep asking the same thing and to get different response, nobody wants to feel like they can’t speak their mind when they feel like they are going stir crazy. Over the last 3 years, I’ve had my fair share of stir crazy moments and its not nice and it is all consuming, so I totally sympathize.

 

I just want to give a few pointers that have really helped me when I have (and do feel like you do)

1) Do step away from the boards for a bit, if only for a week or 2. I adore the Bee, and love reading and contributing to others questions etc, but it doesn’t help an antsy waiting bee. It’s like being a smoker trying to quit in a room of smokers, or a dieter in a cake shop. Sure the familiarity might be comforting but it won’t help.

I stepped away from the board for about 3 weeks, no drama, no big “goodbyes” I just made the decision to delete my bookmark on my phone and on my computer and kept myself busy doing other things. 

Along side this I had an honest chat with my SO. I asked him if I could talk to him for just a few moments. I switched off the TV, I put the phone on silent and I made sure I picked a moment that wasn’t just before bed/food or other. I told him I didn’t want him to respond and I wasn’t looking for answers. I stressed that I just needed him to hear me. and I said very directly:

” I love you and I know that we are moving forward together and nothing in the whole world makes me happier. Being with you makes me feel like a better person and I love nothing more than looking forward to coming home to you at the end of the day. It’s not secret that I’m ready to get engaged to you and I’d never want you to feel like you have been pressured into taking this step with me, but sometimes not talking about it makes me feel nervous and frustrated because I wonder why you don’t actively talk about it. I don’t mean to feel this way but its only because I’m crazy about you and about us that I can’t wait to go on this journey with you. I hope you can understand what I have said and I look forward to the exciting times that lay ahead”

(Maybe you could even say something like this over a dinner or such, talking to someone in different surroundings is a very effectively communication tool because they are more likely to take in things around them, rather than ‘switch off’)

My SO responded with a kiss and an agreement that he heard and understood everything I said and that I had nothing to worry about (ie. trust him) … then I just let the next month roll by. By not worrying about it so intently I was able to think about other things and to just enjoy him. Lo and behold he’s since been SO much more verbal about the whole E thing and I feel as though a switch has gone in his head. He’s no longer resisting the wedding/marriage topic and it shows in his words and actions. Unfortunately for some men, I feel that you cannot make him “see” about e/marriage, he has to get to that point on his own.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way, please please give yourself a break, just changing the thought process, even for just a day will help you loads.

 

 

Post # 53
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@WaitingweddingBE: Well said.

I feel sad that these boards can get so heated – Shirinjoon has been honest all this time about her BF’s plan to hopefully propose by July, and being a guy, that pretty much means he thinks it’s cool as long as it’s by 11:59 PM July 31. 

#1 – If he has any type of surprise or special event planned, he simply WON’T talk about it.  He won’t talk about the future, he won’t ebing up the engagement – he’s planning a surprise and he HAS NO IDEA that as a waiting woman, she’s thinking about it almost every waking minute.  Guys are simply NOT wired like that, until the actual event is staring them in the face.  This does not mean they are not excited, it means they are focused differently.  Women tend to multitask, sometimes that’s good, other’s it’s distracting.  Men don’t.  Men tend to usualy pick an activity, whatever it is, and focus on it and it alone.  TV, games, sports, carpentry, and even their part in preparing for a marraige, they focus on it when they are doing it, and then push it to the back of their minds at all other times.  We are all pretty much like kids on Christmas Eve, knowing there is something exciting coming, knowing it’ll be great, but not able to stop thinking about it enough to fall asleep and realx and let it happen. 

I hate to generalize, but I am basing this off of the guys I know, my own Boyfriend or Best Friend, and many, many of the men Bees are dating and marrying.  If Shirinjoon’s Boyfriend or Best Friend is planning something, the surefire way to NOT give away anyhting is simply not to talk about it.  Also, some guys simply are not de Bergerac, able to soothly spout poetry and deep emotion at a moment’s notice.  Most have been trained that’s not manly, and shy away from it out of habit and lack of practice talking about such things. 

(My friend getting married in less than two weeks only got fitted for his Tux AFTER all the groomsmen, including my provratinating Boyfriend or Best Friend, had already done so, after his father had his tux taken care of, etc.  It’s not that he’s not happy to be marrying the woamn he loves, he’s just more into them growing old together than worrying about things like sweeping conversations about the future or getting fitted for a tuxedo with a pink (‘watermelon’ :P) vest.)

#2 – I’m sorry if someone posting a lot about their worries seems too much for some people – but then just don’t read the post – the title and poster name should be tip off.  Don’t feel a need to reply to anyone you feel is posting “too much” about waiting.  As has been said MANY times before, what you get from these posts is a snapshop of a relationship, usually not on a good day.  As for the OP, she’s having a bad day.  Instead of freaking out her Boyfriend or Best Friend, her mom or anyone else, she turns here to what is supposed to be a supportive community for people will all types of relationships.  Implying, even if it’s unintended, that her posting about her continued wait, when it’s been known for a few months that July is D-month, that she just needs to be quiet already is not supportive. 

Some people find this site when their soon-to-be-spouse is about o or aleady has proposed.  The creators were kind enough to allow a space for ladies who have not yet been that fortunate, because their frustration and, yes, pain, are a special kind that really only others in that situation can realte to. 

It’s great that some ladies have been surprised 100% by a propsal, that others have been down the road pretty painlessly together from the first Talk to the alter.  Others have had to push their soceity created man-child to realize he CAN be happy as a husband, and again, with a little effort but nothing heart-wrenching, they have “graduated” to the pwedding planning section of the site.  Others are not so lucky.  Their BFs, who still love them dearly, have other things that make this process seem hard, keep it in the dark, or just take forever to do anything.  Some men like the traditional 100% surprise, and so keep their lady in the dark about their plans, making her fret he’s not interseted in the future.  Others like the present so much, they forget you can’t stop the future from coming, and some things in life require planning, and can’t be forestalled forever.  Still others are uncerain as to what they want, other than they are happy and afriad of change, so they fight it.  That does not make them bad men, callously stinging along innocent women.  It just means that some couples have woemn who are fast readeres who need to wait on a page for the man to catch up. 

Shirinjoon has been clear about her intentions to leave should he not come through by July.  she has not told the Boyfriend or Best Friend to avoid it sounding like an ultimatum.  Some ladies are with men on whom an ultimatum will work… others are with guys who will feel a threat and a challenge and will call the bluff, ending the relationship rather than being seem as weak or “whooped”.

Waiting ladies get enough of the whole, “You’re not enegaged, he’s not jumping up and down to do it so he must not love you,” from their friends, families and their own minds.  They don’t need to hear it all the time on here, especailly when the “deadline” for this particular couple is 54 days off. 

Post # 54
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Awww.  I love what some of the bees are saying, I really do, but I don’t think it serves Shirinjoon for us to confuse our desire to be gentle with her with the hope that her Boyfriend or Best Friend will make a move.  He gives her no indication of that at all. And to suggest he may be planning a July surprise – what is it about his situation (including his depression, complete loss of interest in sex, caving in to his parents’ wishes that he not take the relationship with Shirinjoon forward, and so forth) that indicates that he is doing that? I think it’s unfair to lead her on. 

If you’re reading these posts, Shirinjoon, sorry to be talking ‘about’ you in third person and I’ll switch to talking to you!  I think we’re all hoping you find the happiness you seek but I also think some of us are cautioning you that it may not be with this man.  We’re also saying what we ‘see’ here based on what you very articulately spell out for us – that despite your attempts to defend your bf and to say how happy he makes you — you’re pretty unhappy.  For those of us who believe this, we wish only that you would find the strength and the courage to move on.  I am worried that if he doesn’t propose in July, you are ready to excuse him because his parents may not be back in the country and your culture requires that both sets of parents meet first.  So be it, but nothing in the world prevents a man from speaking out to the woman he loves (in private) and declaring his intentions (whether or not the families have met).  I wish I could hug you and ‘export’ some strength I have to help you create a new situation for yourself.  Well… absent that… would you consider this post that kind of hug??

Post # 55
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@JoeBeth12: I agree with much you’ve said, but I know that nothing will be settled until July omes and goes, with or without a proposal.  I can’t advocate her moving on until that time has passed, simply because that nagging little voice will always be in her head about “what if I’d just waited to see?”  They both know July is the time he’s supposed to do it.  She knows she plans on following the advice of those who’ve told her to move on, just not until July.  If he asks her anyhting other than to be his wife, then she has HER answer about his intnetions.  All I wanted to point out is that men do things their way, which is just as incomprehensible to us at times as shoe shopping is to them (really, I need blue shoes for my dress, don’t ask why I can’t wear black :P).

I want to emphasis that men have reasons for low sex drive, depression and all manner of negative emotions that have NOTHING to do with their SO, and sometimes can’t shake a funk even with her help.

Hell, even though I freely admit that right now, with so many weddings going on around me, waiting IS my main source of frustration, sadness and self questioning, there are PLENTY of non-waiting things that sap the good-feeling outta me even on “good waiting” days.  My nutty mom is giving out my phone number like it’s candy to creditors, and getting angry with me when I tell her not to do that.  My workplace is stressed right now with a big set of adminsitrative changes, budget problems, and we had to let someone go Friday due to a lack of cooperation with the new admin, leaving me to do their work in adition to my own.  

The OP’s Boyfriend or Best Friend has some crazy sounding family issues going on – we can’t know how badly that is affecting him.  His parents are out of the country, and in the Middle East, which is less stable right now than it usually is, to make sure the family doesn’t go bankrupt or something.  I don’t know him, but I DO think that culturally, there re certain responsibilities and expectations for a son with regards to a family crisis.  That alone could make someone dumpy, worried about the future, and since they don’t routinely speak about his family, she won’t know how things are going for them.  Maybe they need to agree she wil ask about their welfare and he’ll talk more about the future 😛

Also, the OP said that he will wiling talk about the future should SHE bring it up – he just wnats HIM to bring it up now and then, but this is like me wanting my Boyfriend or Best Friend to be Mr. Smoochy Affectionate 24/7- somethings are just not in the nature of the person we love – can we still love him, knowing this?   

If July comes and goes with no proposal, no matter WHAT reason is offered, the I am whole heartedly behind her seeking happiness elsewhere.  I just see no good in encrouraging her to leave prior to then.  Should he really have  a plan, then she’d feel like crap for ruining it, and it’d shake his belief she can trust him, which is important for a marraige.  If he isnt worthy of her trust, she will know soon enough and act accordingly.  Just don’t all jump on her to jump the gun. 

Post # 56
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Topic closed at the request of the OP.

The topic ‘I can’t keep quiet anymore, it hurts too much’ is closed to new replies.

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