- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2010
I’ve typed up this post on my regular account dozens of times but I end up deleting it before its posted. I can no longer keep this in. I created an anon account because I have way too much personal information on my regular account that could possibly identify me. I don’t want anyone to ever find out what’s going on in my marriage. I’m not sure where to start so I guess I’ll start from the very beginning.
I met my husband a decade ago. I was 20 at the time and he was 25. The first two years were great. We were in the “honeymoon stage” and it was blissful. We had the occasional argument but no red flags. There was a lot of joking and poking fun at each other but all in good fun. Nothing too serious. As time went on I began to notice my husband’s sense of humor and jokes were directed at me. He started making jokes about my appearance or my job. I would tell him this was hurtful but he would tell me I was being too sensitive. I am a very sensitive person so I figured he was right and tried to shake it off.
Around the 3 year mark I went through some health issues. I went through 3 invasive surgical procedures for a disease that unfortunately does not have a cure (not cancer). During this time I was also put on many different hormone medications to stop the disease from spreading and causing more damage. My husband was very supportive. He stayed by my side through everything. Unfortunately as a side effect to all the hormones I have gained a substantial amount of weight.
The weight crept up slowly over the course of the last 5 years. For the last 3 years my husband has completely destroyed my self esteem and self worth. My husband now tells me I am gross and disgusting. Anytime I am eating he will call me a fat pig. He tells me my face looks fat and I’m now unrecognizable. I think I need to describe myself to put this in perspective. I went from 120 to 152 over the course of 10 years. I am very short so I can’t hide the weight gain but I also not obese by any means. I can still fit in a size 6 sometimes an 8 depending on where I’m shopping. I get comments like
“I bet women wonder what I’m doing with you when we walk together”
“You’re a worthless piece of shit”
“You’re probably going to get obese and I’m going to divorce you”
Bees, I hear these things everyday. My heart breaks everyday. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I just turn my head away and bite my tongue. I’ve tried everything to make this verbal assault stop but it never does. I will beg him to stop. I will tell him it’s emotional and mental abuse but he says I bring all of this onto myself.
The worst part of all of this is that no one knows. I’ve never told a single person because I am ashamed. I feel like my marriage is a sham. Out in the public my husband is loved by everyone. He is the perfect husband, son, brother. His friends and coworkers love him. No one would ever suspect the sweet couple who holds hands at church to have a secret like this. I told him I feel like I’m suffocating at times, I feel like an actress when we are around other people. My husband has never laid a hand on me and I really don’t think he ever will. He is in law enforcement and he knows he could lose his job over a domestic violence charge (he is not a police officer). I have never felt physically threatened even in our worst fights. I just feel like he is tearing me down everyday. Any little thing could set him off like not moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer, and he starts throwing out insults. He will call me stupid or worthless.
I am also embarrassed to admit we are TTC. We have been for over 2 years now but because of my disease I am infertile. He will make comments like “Maybe I should just go knock up a random chick so I can at least have one” or ” Maybe if you made yourself presentable I could actually find you attractive enough to have sex”. We are at a stand still with infertility treatments because he won’t have a sperm analysis done because he says “You are the one that’s fucked up, not me”. My doctor wont move forward unless we rule out MFI. So there isn’t anything else we can do. This is probably a blessing in disguise but it still hurts.
Bees, I am not hideous. I consider myself decent looking. I get hit on from time to time but my husband wants me to look like a pageant girl 24/7. He wants my hair to look like I left the salon everyday. He even told me to wear makeup to bed so I am pretty enough to have sex with. I wish I was kidding but this is really my life. I have been told I can have no body hair because its gross. If I slip up and forget to wax my upper lip or let my eyebrows go a bit he will call me out right away. He has told me my hair doesn’t have enough volume. He will point out women on TV and ask why can’t I get my hair look like that. I have told him a million times that celebrities have stylist and wigs and hair extensions but he insists I achieve this unrealistic expectations. He has told me to get my lips done. He has made fun of my breasts (I am a size 36DD) because they are not perky. I try to avoid changing in front of him because he will look at me and say ewww or gross. He points out attractive women to make me more insecure.
I’ve put up with this horrible verbal abuse for years because I love this man. I typed out all of that without crying but now the thought of loving someone who treats me this way has me in tears. It’s so hard to have all of this out there. It’s hard to finally let my secret out. I love him. I love him more than I love myself and I really wish I didn’t. This isn’t everything. There is much more. My post would be way too long if I typed it all out. I just need someone to know. I just need to know I’m not alone.
If you read all of this thank you.
-A very sad bee