- 5 years ago
Please help, I feel so worthless and down.
The short story: My best friends getting married, I was supposed to be maid of honour, I can’t make the wedding and she’s cut me out of her life and refuses to speak to me.
The long story: We’ve been friends for 6 years and in that time we’ve become like family and I’m very close to her, her fiancée and their beautiful 3 year old girl. We met through mutual friends who after a while didn’t want anything to do with her because she can come across as a little crazy sometimes. I stuck by her as she suffered from low self esteem and depression which I’ve experienced also. She may say and do hurtful and odd things sometimes but I believed she was a good person and put it down to her suffering from depression.
Since we’ve know each other I’ve spent 50/50 of my time at home/ working abroad. The last time my husband and I went to work in South Africa it was a disaster. We lost thousands of pounds and things happened there that have scarred me for life and we returned home completely broke and broken ourselves. I spent months on anti-depressants and saw a psychologist after having a complete breakdown from the things that had happened. My husband and I didn’t want to work abroad ever again and it took a long time to mentally recover from what had happened.
During this time my friend asked me to be maid of honour at her wedding and I enjoyed helping her plan her wedding. They had only saved 2k for the whole wedding as they’re both on benefits so I tried to help in any way I could. I noticed the more I helped the more she seemed to hint at other things she needed. I paid for all the bridesmaid dresses, handmade all the cards, the jewellery etc, paid for the DJ who was a friend of mine and able to give me a good deal. I enjoyed helping because when you love your friends, that’s just what you do right?
During this time my husband was severely depressed with our new settled life that he just wasn’t used to. He told me he wanted to work abroad again and had a job offer to work in Australia for 6 months. I felt the same so we agreed to not end our life of travelling on one bad experience and try again. I told my friend and we planned to return 2 weeks before her wedding. She was quite angry with me that I wouldn’t be around before the wedding to help her but calmed down in the end. The next few months before going abroad my husband and I worked our butts off, sometimes not having a day off for a month so we could save as much as possible and make the most of different experiences when we got to Australia. Throughout this I always made sure I was there for my friend to help with everything I could, picking the little girl up from school, planning a pre hen party before I went away, driving her to dress fittings etc.
One day my parents and my husbands parents asked to meet us all together. They explained that after seeing us go through so much and how hard we’ve worked to not give up on our dreams they wanted to help. They were going to loan us £6,000 so we didn’t need to worry about interest and didn’t need to start paying it back for 2 years. They said the money was for us to make the most of being in Australia on the other side of the world so we could stay the full year that our visas allowed. We were thrilled but honestly the first thing I thought was, I’m going to miss my best friends wedding.
After spending a week talking with my husband, we agreed it was an opportunity we couldn’t miss. We would be leaving in 3 months and my friends wedding would be in 9 months time. I went to her house to tell her. Obviously I knew she was understandably going to be extremely upset and I prepared to do anything I could to make it up to her. When I told her, she was furious, screaming and shouting at me, saying that it was fine for ‘some people’ to go off galavanting around the world with all their money and not give a s**t about other people. Then she threw me out of the house and said we’re not friends any more. Her fiancée came to talk to me the next day and said he’d never seen her so angry before. He said he was upset I wouldn’t be at the wedding but I was a good friend and he understood it was an amazing opportunity I couldn’t miss.
I sent many e-mails over the next few weeks trying to explain and apologising over and over. I tried to be sensitive, begged for her to meet me so we could talk and begged her forgiveness. I’d arranged her hen party but she wouldn’t come. One of her friends that I’d invited to the hen contacted me saying that she sympathised with me and that my friend had been telling all the parents at school that I was missing her wedding because I was going on ‘holiday’.
I continued to keep contact via e-mail and facebook, apologising for the ‘crap’ cards I made for her wedding and the ‘rubbish’ jewellery I’d given her. Apologising for driving her to her dress fittings and venue viewings because apparently it put her out and she’d rather I hadn’t been there. (Despite asking me for a lift). She also blamed me for the entire wedding saying that her and her fiancée wanted a small event because they couldn’t afford much and were only making it bigger because I was going to be there. After a while I got tired of being told what a nasty, selfish bitch I was. Her replys were becoming more and more verbally abusive despite me continuing to apologise, insisting it was never my intention to hurt her and telling her how much I love her and her family. Every time I asked to meet she’d flip out. One time I asked her to meet when she was taking the little girl to the doctors (I hadn’t known) and she completely flipped out at me, accusing me of wanting her to neglect her child and what a sick, twisted person I was. Another time I said I just wanted to sit down and discuss this like adults and not over a computer where it’s hard to express emotions and she replied saying ‘so now your calling me childish you f**king cow’. I felt like I was walking on egg shells, all I wanted to do was a chance to talk face to face and explain but everything I said offended her and made her even more angry at me.
I continued to apologise to the point of grovelling and begging for a chance to talk properly. I’d cry myself to sleep as I was loosing my best friend and felt like the most horrible person in the world. Then one week, my granddad died. My friend had e-mailed me but I just didn’t have the energy to read any more nasty e-mails and reply when I was grieving. A week later I went to reply to her and noticed she’d deleted me off facebook. I sent her an e-mail explaining about my granddad and her reply was that that wouldn’t have taken up every second of my time and I should have had time to reply to her, the fact that I didn’t just shows how selfish I am.
That was the moment I started thinking that she wasn’t a very nice person after all. I thought about the things I’d seen in Africa and other parts of the world. Starving children, people dying, homes being destroyed, people being abused and now my Granddad had died. Life just seems so short, was what I’d done so absolutely terrible in the grand scheme of things? My family and friends were all disgusted at the way she had spoke to me in the e-mails and said that I didn’t deserve that at all. I’m pretty open minded to hearing my faults and listening to other opinions so I think they were being honest. I hadn’t intentionally gone out to hurt her, I’d been a great friend for 6 years, I felt terrible myself that I’d be missing her wedding, surely after 2 months of grovelling and showing how sorry I was I deserved to be forgiven? I sent her a message saying again how much I loved her and wished we could remain friends but I couldn’t continue to apologise with nothing in return. She then said that she’d meet me on a date which was the day I was supposed to be flying. I told her that was the day I was due to fly and her reply was that she’s giving me an option and if I don’t want to take it then I’m a selfish bitch and I’m the reason the friendship is over.
4 months on and I’m in Australia. The first month I kept trying to speak to her with no reply. Her fiancée messaged me saying he’s tried to speak to her but doesn’t know why she’s reacting so badly. She then blocked me off facebook and there seems to be nothing more that I can do. Things were going well, I’d think about her now and again and feel sad but all of a sudden for the past week I feel so utterly devastated that I’ve lost my best friend and the worst part, the beautiful little girl that I loved with all my heart. I’ve been crying constantly. I feel absolutely heartbroken. I don’t think I deserved to be treated like a piece of trash and honestly don’t believe I’m a bad person. I don’t understand why 6 years of friendship means nothing because I’ve put husband and my own happiness first for the first time I can ever think of.
I’m not sure what I’m expecting from this. I don’t believe I deserve everything that happened but if I don’t then why do I feel so utterly terrible. Am I being delusional and completely deserve the repercussion that I got? How do I move on from this? I miss my best friend and I know this sounds ridiculous but I feel like I’m grieving the way I was when I lost my Granddad. I wish I could stop feeling like a worthless terrible person. Please help.