(Closed) I can’t NOT nag him

posted 10 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
4822 posts
Honey bee

I’m not physically attracted to him because he’s not taking care of himself

Sit him down when you are not angry and tell him this. Tell him you arent trying to hurt his feelings, you are just trying to have open communication because it is affecting your sex life.

There is a big difference between nagging to take the trash out and personal hygiene and health.

However, when it comes to eating healthy and the gym, those are items he has to want to do either for himself or you. That is not your decision. Has he always had these habits or has something changed? Because if he hasnt, you signed up for these behaviors and it will be very hard to change if he doesnt want to.

Post # 5
Member
4822 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
@soon2bhis: Well then I would say the above to him, and ask him what has changed that he doesnt feel the need to be healthy any longer. 

Post # 6
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

This won’t solve everything, and I am in similar boat as you (this was going on before we got married, too), but I think a little appreciation and positive reinforcement is always good to throw in with the criticism and nagging. I sometimes feel like I am living with a child, as my hubs rarely takes any initiative to do anything around the house, and I work way more hours than he does! But I try to make an effort to thank him all the time for the things he DOES do and to be positive and encouraging on the occasions he does make the effort. Maybe the fact that he doesn’t eat or cook anything healthily is because he doesn’t feel like he can do it as well as you can. Maybe take a healthy cooking class together so he can see that it’s not hard. As for chores and to-do lists, do you guys have a shared calendar? We each have a google caledar that we both share and give access to the other person. That way we know when we have plans, appointments, etc. and you can set reminders there too. Did he used to play sports or is there a sport he likes to play for fun? You could suggest he join a league (not sure how urban an area you live in, but for us, there’s lots of social and competitive sports leagues you can join, which are super fun, get you active and meeting new people too). But I totally know the feeling, and I hate hate hate being the nag, but sometimes it’s the only way to make sure we are more less doing things equally. I’m still figuring out the best way to deal myself though, so would love hear other people’s advice as well!

Post # 7
Member
4799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would NOT write to do lists for him. I don’t have the healthiest habits but I can tell you that if my Fiance wrote me a to do list my reaction would be, “Excuse me?! Wtf. Does he think I’m his child?” …and then I would throw it away and a major argument would ensue. So if he just says you’re nagging it sounds like he is being pretty darn calm about it – because yes, you are nagging. Obviously the fact that he isn’t taking care of himself bothers you, but it would go over much better to have a conversation about how you’re concerned for his health, both physical and dental, than to write to do lists and say you’re not attracted to him. I know you haven’t told him yet, but please don’t. That would be a last resort and I don’t think you’re at that point.

As far as the gym goes…well, you said he goes when you’re with him. So it seems fair enough for him to go when you go, it’s not right to expect him to go more than you.

Post # 8
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

In my experiece, guys like to help and problem solve.  They also respond well to praise.  So, when I started wanting Fiance to do chores and stuff, I told him I “needed help” and was busy and overwhelmed and couldn’t handle it all.  I didn’t make lists or anything and when he did something I made sure to make a big deal of it.  Now, he takes out the garbage, cleans up his dishes, laundry and other stuff.  It’s a miracle! lol.  

As far as the working out goes, think of something fun you can do together and then be like “mm you’re sexy when you work out.”  It’s all about the ego.  haha.

Post # 10
Member
2246 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh honey, I think we’re with the same man!  Lol! I am in the exact same boat as you and everyhing you said is exactly how I feel.

Ever since Fiance and I have gotten “comfortable” (which was about a year ago, after ten months together), he has stopped attempting to take care of himself, altogther.  When I met him he had a six pack to die for.  Now, he’s got a poochy tummy.  He took back up smoking about seven months after we got together.  I didn’t feel it was big enough a deal to end a relationship over, but it hate it and beg him to quit daily.  He likes to smoke in our room.  I can’t stand to have my clothes and belongings reek of cigarette smoke.  He also “forgets” to brush his teeth and I have to “nag” him to do it.  He started doing this a few months ago.  I noticed his breath was HORRIBLE and I was afraid to hurt his feelings so I went out and bought some really cool whitening toothpaste and mouthwash to “remind” him.  Now, I’ve just gotten to where I’ll just yell at him, “Go brush your teeth your breath is disgusting!”  A lot of times he does brush in the morning without my reminder, but he’ll brush BEFORE drinking three cups of coffee and smoking half a pack of cigarettes.  Someone’s breath after coffee and cigarettes, whether they brushed before or not, is horrid.  I’ve had to tell him that he needs to drink his coffee FIRST.  He hasn’t gotten a haircut since July and refuses to, simply because he says he’s doing it to “get on my nerves”.  He hasn’t trimmed his facial hair in a month, either.  He looks so unkempt that my mom now calls him my “lumberjack”.  He has a lot of chest hair, and he REFUSES to button the button on his shirts, but he also REFUSES to wear shirts that don’t have the buttons on them (you know, the polo shirts that have three buttons in the front?). 

Going out in public with him is an embarrassment sometimes.  I hate to say that about someone I love more than anything else in this world, but it’s true and he knows I feel that way.  He has to smoke on the way in to any place.  Even if the car is ten steps from the door.  He then puts his cigarette out with his hand and puts the cigarette behind his ear.  So, he smells like a burnt cigarette EVERYWHERE.  I am nearing a breakdown regarding these things and don’t know what to do. 

Like you, I feel like my only option is to nag and whine to get him to comply with me.  I also have to barter with him in order to get him to do things he should be doing regardless.  Like, today, I did something I really didn’t want to do for him so he would shave his beard.  I wish I could give you some solid advice, but I’m trying to figure this out, myself.

Post # 11
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

When someone suddenly stops grooming themselves it can be a sign of depression.  Maybe he’s bored at work, or maybe he is having some mixed feelings adjusting to his new life?

If he never brushed his teeth and doesn’t smell now, you might just have to save the nagging for when he does smell.

Maybe communicate that your idea of foreplay involves a tooth brush? lol.

By The Way, my friend defines true love as being able to accept your partners annoying habits.  But there comes a point at which these aren’t habits but self destructive signs of something else going on.

Post # 12
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My DH was never taught to brush his teeth. They just never cared if he did it or not. It’s a nasty habit and he knows not to bother kissing me if he hasn’t brushed them. Up until he quit smoking he new better than to come anywhere near me with that ashtray of a mouth. No way, no how.

Maybe I’m mean but I didn’t approach it gently with him. I just told him flat out if he doesn’t brush his teeth he has bad breath and I don’t want to kiss him. After a couple weeks of refusing kisses when he forgot, he stopped forgetting!

Post # 13
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Did you know he was like this while you were dating? Just my SO is a mechanic and I know he will always be grubby, but I know he can scrub up well too lol! It’s just never bothered me as that is who he is, appearance and all.

If your getting slightly hung up about his personal care – perhaps try the opposite approach? Compliment him when he dresses up and say how sexy he looks. This is far more effective than just nagging him as men will probably do less on purpose to wind you up more.

That’s what I do anyway (works too!), good luck!

Post # 14
Member
740 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Mine used to work from home a lot, so it was easy to just put on a bathrobe get coffee and work at the computer the whole day…for several weeks in a row. Encouraging him to go out to a bar with his friends every now and then really helped, plus I got some time to myself Wink

Otherwise, you might want to talk about why he is in a funk – if his behavior has changed drastically, you might want to make sure he’s not depressed. As for chores, I think that has always been a battle of the sexes thing. If we cook or clean together, no one feels like the other is being dumped on. 

Post # 15
Member
618 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

View original reply
@MrsCoachBtoBee: I do this with Hubby and he has done so much more around the house!

There was an article about how if you ‘nag’ your husband or have him do things around the house, then they resent it, but if you praise him for the things that he does do and make a big deal about, then they are more likely to do things. The author was saying how they won’t say anything about the laundry that is left on the floor, but they will make a huge deal about how they unloaded the dishwasher without asking. For whatever reason, the guys will want to do more to get that praise. My husband works shift work and when he is off, he really doesn’t do that many chores around the house. However, now he has started to do a lot more around the house.

We go and work out together and I cook healthy meals for us. If he is working out of town, I’ll send him with meals that I’ve cooked, so he will eat better than if he is eating on his own.

Post # 16
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m pretty much like your husband, lol.

Well, except that I brush my teeth. 🙂

I am much lazier and laid back about chores than my hubby who is a total neat FREAK. He also works out 1-2 times a day, pretty much every day, and used to be ridiculously healthy eater. I ate pretty well, but did have a sweet tooth. It took us 4.5 years of dating and years of living together to finally figure out how to make things work between us (not that it will take you that long). He used to nag me about what I ate and about going to the gym… now he knows NOT TO GO THERE. I view that as controlling. He might ask if I want to go to the gym with him, which I like, but he won’t ask more than once, and won’t react negatively if I say no. He is always happy/encouraging whenever I do decide to go.

With regards to eating, I guess I’ve corrupted him… we both eat healthy meals 90% of the time, but go for hot wings once in awhile, or split dessert when we eat out. Actually, he is now a bad influence on me!

With regards to the house, we’ve come to sort of an understanding as to how to deal with chores. At one point, we made a list of chores that have to be done and split them up. We decided to each do our own laundry, take turns with the dishes, I vaccuum the floors, dust, make the bed, & clean the fish tank. He mops the hardwood floors and cleans the bathrooms/scrubs the toilets and showers. He also takes out the trash.

When there’s a bunch of stuff he’d like me to do, I actually PREFER for him to make me a list. That way he doesn’t have to keep reminding/nagging me. The list is more neutral and I don’t have to do what he’s asking that second. I ask him to put a “deadline” on the list, e.g., “please try to do these things before Sunday”. I always do what he asks during that time and I’m sure he would do the same if I gave him a similar honey do list.

Regarding the hygiene stuff, I would use positive reinforement (like others have mentioned) and jump him anytime he finishes brushing his teeth, etc! lol 🙂 I also wouldn’t be afaid to ask, “Have you brushed your teeth???” If he says no, I wouldn’t nag him, but I’d also not proceed intimately… he should get the message without you saying anything!!!

Ps – Do you think those behaviors have changed, or do you think you are just now learning about them because you’re living with him? I do think that if there’s been a change you might talk to him about his mood and the possibility of depression.

The topic ‘I can’t NOT nag him’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors