(Closed) I can't picture DH as a father..

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
909 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think talking to him about it more is your only option really. If you really can’t see it, even after he tries to convince you otherwise, you may have to ask yourself how important having children is to you, or if it’s worth it if you won’t have the kind of family life you dream of. It’s a hard thing to question though, I’m sure.

You may need to ask your Darling Husband to promise you that specific things that are important to you will happen — like the family having dinner together every night, etc.

Post # 4
6350 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

I really don’t know what to advise, because with having children, there is no compromise; you either want them, or you don’t; and it sounds like you don’t.

Whatever you do, do not assume he will change when kids come along: most men don’t. So if you do decide to have children with him, I would do so being prepared to give up your career, and being the primary care-giver.

I thought I wanted children until a couple of years ago; mainly because I figured you kind of ‘had to’ (stupid, huh?!). Then I realised it was a choice; and not a choice I wanted to make. OH had a hard time at first, as it came as a bit of a bolt from the blue; but he did actually sit down and think about it, and decided that actually, having children is not for him, as he just wouldn’t want to make the necessary sacrifices.

To help him understand how I felt, I painted a realistic picture of parenthood; I didn’t make it OTT or anything, just realistic; and it did a lot to knock off the rose-tinted glasses he’d been wearing. I also offered him a ‘compromise’, saying I might consider children if he was prepared to give up his career and be a stay at home dad,  and be the primary care-giver. I said that if he went back on that, I would not only divorce him, but he would end up with the child.

He didn’t want to make those sacrifices; and it shocked him that he had been expecting me to, especially when my career is MUCH more important to me than his is to him. He had been expecting ME to give up my job, and be the primary care-giver, and when he realised that was never going to happen, and that his expectation was completely sexist, unreasonable, unfair, and showed little respect for me, he quickly changed his mind.

My thoughts are that if your OH is desperate to have a child, he will make whatever sacrifices it takes; so if he expects to continue with his job, and his body-building, and if he thinks for one moment he can be rigid when a kid comes along, he needs to do some long, hard thinking. And so do you: because believe me, he won’t change just because you have a child for him.

Post # 5
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think you are getting ahead of yourself.  Don’t worry!  You are both young and it sounds like you get along well.  Life changes and just because your SO acts one way now, it doesn’t mean he won’t be there for you and the baby someday.  Between the ages of 26 and 30 people change a lot!  

Has your husband always been there for you (not physically, but in terms of support)?  If so, then I bet he will be there for you when you have a family.  If you want to open communication, share your childhood memories, like family dinners.  Ask him if he could see you guys doing that someday. 

Post # 6
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

If he keeps talking about children now and how excited he is for them, trust me, he’ll make time for them, gym or no gym. He will fall in love with your children, and the gym won’t seem as important anymore. Sure, he may still work out, but it won’t be more important than his children.

Talk to him about it.

But I don’t think you have anything to worry about yet.

Post # 7
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@dannielle89:  To look on the positive side, 5 years is a long time from now. You don’t know what will happen.

If you’re committed to being a lawyer and he won’t change his bodybuilding habits, then I do see a problem, though. Something is going to have to give. New lawyers are extremely busy.

I can’t see him being able to train twice a day when you have kids, though. It IS important that you do adult things, with and without each other, but you’re right, something has to change.

You’re still both young so you do have some time. I’m 27 and think I want a kid, but I’m still not there yet. I think you’re kind of on the fence right now about kids and that’s part of the problem. Perhaps if you strongly desired them, you’d feel more like ‘we’ll make it work no matter what’. I’m just guessing here, but it sounds a bit like you’re making excuses not to have a kid. You’re only 22 so I don’t think you need to make you mind up quite yet… but obviously it’s a problem if you arrive at the decision that you don’t want kids, while he does.

I think that you’re putting a bit too much pressure on yourself now, though. Try to stop thinking about it. Your husband wants kids and I am pretty sure he knows he’ll have to cut back on the exercise. As far as family activities go, he still doesn’t HAVE to eat dinner w. you all, but if he makes time for the family and is around, then that’s the whole point of it, right?

Post # 8
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Torrid This exactly!You seem to be taking the words right out of my head this week…

@dannielle89 His life is the way it is now because he can, Im sure when the children come his priorities will change and become more family focused.

Post # 9
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think the things you mention are small and aren’t major issues that would prevent your Dh from being a good father. It’s kind of early to be fretting and worrying about it, I do think when the time comes for you to consider having children you should sit down and go over your expectations of each other as parents.

That being said in my opinion my family members and friends who manage to maintain and hold on some of their activities and I think it’s important parents take time for themselves and continue to be wellround people. So it’s so black and white, and doesn’t have to turn into an all or nothing situation.  It will mean big changes for both of you, particularlly when the kids are babies.

That being said people will surprise you and if your Dh says he is ready perhaps he is. If someome told me a few years ago my brother who had a revovling door of women and had an expensive vintage car collections, would have met a women with two children and in a short period of time make drastic changes in his life, and marry her, adopt her kids, and become a loving father. I would have died of laughter. But he did. He still goes to car shows, but now only has two and sold the rest. He still has hobbies but his kids are important to him and come before anything else. Basically he met the right person, and the right kids and decided he was ready.


Post # 10
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

You’re both so young and you’re just about to start law school.  Table the discussion at least until after you pass the Bar.  Maybe by then he will seem more like a dad and if not, you’ll at least have a good job and be able to support yourself well enough to move on.  I just don’t see a need to worry about it now when you’re not ready to have kids yet.

Post # 11
544 posts
Busy bee

Priorities change once you have children. My dad is proof of that. My mom says he was selfish and liked to spend his time doing what he wanted to do. Then we came along and he made us top priority and dedicated his life to being the best father ever. And he was. I couldn’t have asked for a better dad.

Don’t give up on him!

Post # 12
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

A lot can change in 5 years. I’d have to believe that if he wants children that badly, he would be willing to make the changes necessary to do so. Keep talking to him about it to get a clear picture of what he thinks his life will look like with children.  26 with not kids – this is the time in his life to be doing the things he is doing (as long as he is keeping you happy and fulfilled in the relationship).  That’s not to say he won’t change as he ages and has children.

Post # 13
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I guess it would be good to hear how other bodybuilder type guys make life work for them.  Is it really feasible with his lifestyle?  What is he willing to sacrifice?

Post # 14
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Just a thought but maybe volunteering to watch other’s children together will paint you a better picture of how your husband will react with his own children (not the same but similar). Maybe a family member or a friend could use some alone time and you can take the kids over for dinner or to a park or something. As an ex-nanny I’ve seen time and time again how a committed, caring father can help his children and a selfish one make everything so much worse for the mom and kids in a house. 

Have a heart to heart conversation with him, ask him to paint a picture for you of what he wants your family to look like in five or ten years. Maybe it will help you see what he sees in his head. 

I have reactive hypoglycemia as well so I understand how hard it can be. I exercise lightly but wanted to add that maybe his intense workouts are adding to his blood sugar swings? Just a thought. 

Post # 15
1280 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I had the same concern about my hubbie….his parents still do a lot for him, i.e. pay his cell phone bill and then complain about it…. the other day and while having dinner with my older brother I voiced my concerns that maybe hubbie would not be ready to be a father, but my brother put it into perspective (he’s like my dad, father figure…love him so much)….he said that my husband would do as he was shown, that he would love his children and do for them because it is what he knew, what he was taught by his parents…so now I don’t worry to much about it….I would advise you to see how your hubbie is with his parents, what type of relationship they have, are they close, estranged?….Also the concerns you expressed to him are all very valid and hopefully he didn’t dismiss them and considered them strongly.  Whatever happens….good luck to you both!


Post # 16
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Things change SO MUCH once you have the baby. His lifestyle now reflects him as a husband, not a father. If he wants children then I’m sure it would change for him once you had them. Also just discuss what you feel is needed for a family.

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