(Closed) I can't stand his sister.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Hostess
9670 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

“I don’t respect her, I always struggled with it and after she decided to involve herself in my business I am really struggling with keeping my mouth shut and ‘forgiving.'”

I’m sorry, but no, she did not decide to involve herself. Your Fiance involved her by calling her to tell her about your relationship problems. I think you need to ask your Fiance what he expected would happen when he went running his mouth off to her? Obviously, based on her past actions she tends to surround herself with drama, so I’m not sure why you’re surprised that she took it upon herself to call and scream at you after your Fiance volunteered her information.

You both need to learn how to fight fair. That doesn’t mean running to your closest family member and berating your SO in front of them. That also doesn’t mean that a fight needs to be put off until you see a therapist. You need to ask your therapist to help you both figure out some coping mechanisms and ways to approach one another to resolve issues on your own without reaching out to third parties. 

Post # 18
Hostess
9670 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Misswhowedding:  His pancakes!! He must put chocolate chips in them.

Post # 20
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I just feel bad for the small child who has to be around all this drama.

Post # 21
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Before, the problem wasn’t really with the ex, it was how your Fiance handled it.

Again, the problem isn’t really with the sister, it’s your Fiance venting and supporting her over you.  You don’t deal with the sister, you leave it up to Fiance to resolve this. 

Post # 22
Member
7414 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

lolita1027:  “He comes from a small town. Everyone is friends with everyone, everyone dated everyone. People all up in eachothers biz. The drama is the norm.”

I think Step 1 is realizing that, even if everyone knows everyone and is deeply involved in each other’s lives, drama is NOT actually the norm. Normal relationships can be very close without having drama. I think brushing it off as “the norm” prevents you (and more importantly, your fi and the people he keeps in his life) from actually learning communication and coping skills.

So once you realize that this isn’t a normal way to live, Step 2 is admitting that your fi chooses to allow a lot of this drama. Your issue is not really with his sister, or with his ex. It’s with HIM. Neither of you may be able to control how his ex acts or how his sister acts, but you can control how you react to it, and right now, you’re not doing that. You are both feeding the drama: you, by reacting to it and creating drama of your own, and your fi, by sticking his head in the sand and pretending it is going to fix itself.

 

Post # 23
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

lolita1027:  

I’d hammer down some healthy boundaries concerning visitors in your home. Like, discuss until we’re on the same page (or at least at an acceptable compromise) no matter how long it takes. Visitors could be relatives or colleagues but there still needs to be clear understanding between you two about healthy boundaries. Fiance can’t say “just grin and bear it” and think that’s healthy communication with you concerning this matter. Just my $0.02.

 

 

Post # 24
Member
1272 posts
Bumble bee

I know a few people like that, who live for TEH DRAMA. I have absolutely no respect for these losers and don’t tolerate their “issues”. The only thing you can do is cut them out of your life, or if you can’t do that entirely, ignore them. Others may call you cold, but this is survival (especially if you’re emotionally sensitive like me). Life is too short to deal with assholes. Tell your Fiance that if he can’t back you up in this, that is his problem, not yours.

Post # 25
Member
4054 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You need to stop blaming everyone else for the problems you two have.

You blame his ex for your issues, when in reality most of that is about him, or at the very least could be mitigated by him, but he chooses not to.

He goes to his sister with your problems, and now it’s her fault she has an opinion? 

Stop blaming everyone else for his actions. Make him take some freaking accountability. 

Post # 26
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Yeah, I’d be way more angry with my partner, rather than the person he complained about me to. 

Post # 27
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

You like the drama.

Post # 28
Member
2507 posts
Sugar bee

You’re in intense couple’s therapy, and *aren’t even married yet* – perhaps take that as a clue that this is not the right relationship for either of you. I have nothing against therapy, and think it can be a life-saver, but it also seems like this should be the *easy* part.

Post # 29
Member
929 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Listen, the sister is nutes yes, BUT your fiance is the one that went running his mouth. Is this something you can live with? Every time the two of you run into an issue it sounds like he’s going to run to his sister and tell on you. He has serious issues he has to work out and you need to think about if you can deal with that for the rest of your life. That’s a long time. If it were me, i’d be outta there SO FAST. 

Post # 30
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

lolita1027:  it’s not up to you to handle your fiance’s sister. He needs to be the one to set those boundaries. If he doesn’t, you will continue to have problems. The fact is that she screamed at you, did not apologize, and his only reaction is to tell you to “let it go”. I think it’s pretty clear where he stands (and it’s not on your side…)

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