(Closed) I can't stand his sister.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m not sure of what he confided in her, but I can tell you one thing…If my brother called me telling me about how his GF/FI/SO/grown ass woman couldn’t handle an argument and smashed pictures off the wall, I’d probably call and give her an earful too.  If your Fiance wrote a post up here describing that argument, every single bee would be calling it emotional/physical abuse, giving out domestic abuse hotlines, and telling him to leave your crazy before it escalated into something more physical. 

While your Fiance may “act like a 12 year old”, you seem to as well…you both sound too immature to handle a healthy relationship.  Maybe therapy can help, but it will only work when you BOTH take responsibility for your parts in all this drama.  It’s not ALL him, or his ex, or his daughter…

Post # 32
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I did not read all the replys so maybe people have said something like this. First, The blam really need to be placed on you Fiance for getting her involved. I think the best thing to do is give it sometime. Forgivness is not about the other person it’s about your self. If you can forgive her. Even if you don’t do it to her face then you will have some peace. It is good to stand your ground but you have to realize to her she is just trying to protect her brother which is a nobal thing. She maybe a trainwreck but you judging her only make 2 wrongs. Take a breath and think about what she said. Sometime what bothers you mst has a grian of truth. Keep you side of the steet clean and when your ready to forgive her do. I doesn’t really matter what she does. What matters is keeping you peace and sanity in the situation. 

Post # 35
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

lolita1027:  I didn’t say you physically abuse each other.  I’m just pointing out the double standard if the roles were reversed….or what your FI’s side of the story probably sounded like to his sister.  

Regardless of his sister’s trashiness, # of husbands, whatever your thoughts about her in general are…there’s no telling how many times he’s vented to her about your problems, your reactions to the problems, hurtful things you’ve maybe said in the heat of the fight, etc.  Point is, this isn’t on the sister, this is on your Fiance for venting to his sister.  She’s only hearing his side of things when he’s upset & judging you off of that. 

 

Post # 37
Member
3425 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

My question is: What did he say about you that would elicit that sort of response from his sister?! 

Was he lying? Twisting your words? Or is the truth just that bad? 

Because whatever he said, it made her feel really defensive of her brother. My FI’s sister is very similar to what you just described. But I can’t imagine him ever being able to tell a story about our relationship, even if he completely twisted my words, that would make her respond that way.

I think it shows just how angry is he at you. Or upset he is with the reltionship. It shows that he doesn’t take any of the blame, but thinks it’s all on you; that’s why sister thinks so, becsuse she has only heard his perspective, and THAT’S his perspective!

And that is the worst part about this. He obviously said very horrible things about you. Things that no one who is in love would ever say. 

So that’s my concern. The sister is ridiculous; you can move past it. Like you said, you’re just venting. But I don’t know if I believe your relationship can move forward, when your Fiance clearly thinks so poorly of you that he was led to say whatever the heck he said to his sister that made her so insanely angry.

I really hope everything works out for you, Bee.

Post # 38
Member
1053 posts
Bumble bee

Unfortunately your business because her business when your brother broght her into it. She didn’t really stick her nose in and interfere, he did that.

At the same time if was way out of line for her to call you, but even more so for your Fi to go to her in the first place

Post # 39
Member
1053 posts
Bumble bee

And I agree with PP without knowing the fight it’s ahrd to know who is in the wrong, if you laid into your Fiance and called him horrible names, her calling you is understandable, if it was just a disagreement, then it was out of line

Post # 40
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee

Reading your post I thought the sister would be maybe 21. When I got to the end and it said 41, I just about died!

You’re doing the right thing cutting her off. Your fiancé will deal with it. He can go visit her on his own time and outside your home. 

Post # 42
Member
3541 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

You didn’t ask for life coaching, but you did post on a public forum…

I feel for you, I really do. But it gets to a point where you need to be looking at your part in this, and the fact that you are choosing to stay in a very unhealthy, dysfunctional situation. 

ETA And how to handle her?  You don’t handle her, your Fiance needs to. And if he doesn’t stick up for you with her…. Don’t even get me started…

Post # 43
Member
3425 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

lolita1027:  You don’t think it was really that bad, but obviously he does because of whatever he said to her that made her so pissed at you. That just shows that you two are on completely different pages.

And instead of talking to you about how horrible he feels, or even the therapist, he chose to go to his sister. Immature, unhealthy, unacceptable, IMO.

Post # 44
Member
1053 posts
Bumble bee

lolita1027:  Well then this is really an issue with your Fiance, if the argument was not that bad bringing her into was definitely a mistake. however she was rude and disrespected you and you have ever right to be upset (obviously)
I think you need to talk to your Fiance about this and let him know that this is not ok (however I think you mentioned that you already did) He can not bring her into your business, especilly if she will react in a way that hurts you

Post # 45
Member
702 posts
Busy bee

He had no business venting to his sister. His loyalty should be to you, and his issues with you should be kept between you two and your therapist.

I do not agree that you have to be the “bigger person”. You have every right to set boundaries with the sister and to fight back when she pulls that crap on you. Even if she is a total disaster (and she sounds like it), that gives her no excuse to act however she wants. Just because no one else holds her accountable, doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to.

I am not in the same situation, but in the past, my SIL screamed at me, saying I was the reason my Fiance was unhappy, I ruin everything, I’m a bitch, I’m mean, etc. Then, somehow, it was my job to “be the bigger person” and call her to initiate the conversation to start resolving things because I was “older” or “more mature” or “not crazy”. It was bullshit, and I did it once but never again. Just because she doesn’t have her shit together doesn’t mean I need to treat her with kid gloves like other ppl do. That was about 4 or 5 years ago. I have since limited my interactions with her and I don’t get into conversations that are too deep, and we are able to be in the same place at the same time. And I will never forget what she has done and what she could do again at any time.

I know that it’s very different bc there are cousins involved, so you will at minimum need to interact so the kids can spend time together.

Don’t expect your SO to help in the fight, but at least, he should not endorse or encourage his sister’s involvement.

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