- 7 years ago
- Wedding: January 2013
This is going to be a long, long post and I apologize in advance:
So, there’s a lot of backstory to this:
My close friend, A, and I have been friends for quite a while. We both attend (and work at) the same college and have a ton in common, so we became very close, very fast. Well, when we first became friends, her mother had just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and she was dating R. R ends up cheating on her and getting the girl pregnant about a year ago, and they broke up when A found out, but remain best friends (it’s an extremely weird situation, I still don’t feel comfortable with it. R and the girl he got pregnant are now broken up, but him and A still remain best friends. Crazy.)
Anyway, A was understandably devastated about being cheated on, and right away ends up having sex with a couple guys she meets off Plenty of Fish. One of the guys, AR, and her start getting close, to where she thinks they’ll start dating, but then he stops talking to her for 3 weeks. She’s heartbroken all over again, and angry, but then she sees him online on Plenty of Fish and confronts him, to find out that his phone broke and he realized he hadn’t talked to her in a week and knew that she would be upset, so he just continued to ignore her so that he wouldn’t have to deal with it (WTF?). A forgives him, and they start hooking up again and start dating. That was almost a year ago.
So, this brings me to the problem: AR is a douche canoe. Not to her (well, except for the whole ignoring her for 3 weeks thing), but to me. All the time.
The three of us will go out to lunch, and he will flat out ignore me the entire lunch. A and I will be having a blast talking, and I’ll try to include him, and he’ll just stare away or whisper something to A. And A just laughs his rudeness off.
Another example I can think of is that I met up with A around Christmas time to give her a gift, and she brought AR. A is very, very strapped for cash, so my gift to her was a $200 gift certificate for a tattoo parlor I knew she loved. The gift certificate had originally been for me from my mom, but I talked to my mom and she told me she was 100% fine with me giving it to A instead, as I have no need for it. A was so thankful and happy with the gift (she knew it was something I already had and didn’t care) and AR just stared at it and walked away. Then, A called him back to explain that I got it as a gift years ago and was giving it to her, and he looked at me and sneered “Oh, so you’re regifting it?” in a really rude way. I was taken aback, and looked at A and she just laughed and kissed him! For being rude.
And there’s been so many other times where he’s just been flat out rude to me. Ignoring me when I try to include him in conversation/ask him questions, saying rude things, walking away when I’m talking to A, going into another room when I visit A’s house… so much.
I feel very hurt by it, and have brought it up with A three times over the past year. I ask her if he doesn’t like me, if I’ve done something to offend him or anger him, that whenever I see him I get anxious because I’m worried I’ll say something that will make him become rude or that he’ll just ignore me in general.
Bees, everytime I tell her my concerns, she just laughs. She says he’s shy, or that he doesn’t know me well enough to talk to me, but that he “definitely doesn’t hate” me. She never brings it up with him, never tells him to try to get to know her friend… nothing. Just lets me look like an idiot trying to be friendly with a guy who just ignores any kind of friendly interaction with me (which, by doing so, effectively makes “getting to know me” so that he’s less “shy” around me impossible).
Like I’ve said before, A’s mom had stage 4 cancer, and passed around 4 months ago (this is why I gave her the tattoo certificate. she wants a tattoo for her mom badly, but doesn’t have the money for it). A’s life has been turned upside down, and she’s leaning on AR a lot more (understandably!). On the night of my bachelorette party, A tells me that her and AR are thinking about getting married. That they want to have kids. They’ve been together less than a year, and he “almost proposed” on Christmas, but she told him to wait until after I was married because she didn’t want to steal my spotlight.
I have no clue what to do, bees. I was so shocked and I didn’t even know how to react that night. I want to be happy for her SO badly, she’s had a lot of bad things happen in the past year and for somethnig good to happen for her would be so deserved. But I can’t help thinking that this guy is bad news!
He moved to Alaska with his brother and knows no one else up here. His brother kicked him out of his house 6 months ago and cut ties with him. He moved in with A’s family, and has nowhere else to go and makes horrible money. If he and A broke up, he would be homeless and would have literally no one else that would help him, he hasn’t made any friends up here. So a huge part of me feels that he stays with A because it’s safe, and I feel horrible thinking that! And feel even worse that she could potentially marry and have a baby with someone who doesn’t 100% love her and when she and him are ridiculously strapped for cash 🙁
Ugh. I don’t know what to do. I’m not going to say anything to her, I’ve already said my peace about how he treats me and that’s all I feel I have a right to comment on. I’d never think I have any say on her dating him or potentially marrying him, that’s their business, not mine. I just wish I could find it in me to be happy about it, because I feel like I’m lying by omission. She was my Maid/Matron of Honor and was super happy about my wedding, and I want to be able to be that for her when the time comes! Not secretly cringing on the inside.
Any words of wisdom, bees? Anything would be helpful, I just feel absolutely bummed.