- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
I am really having trouble with my future mother in law, and I really need some advice.
For starters, a little background…
When my fiance and I first started dating (he was just my boyfriend back then, obviously), he lived in a different state than me, so a few months into the relationship, I flew down to visit him and met his mother and siblings. I get along with his siblings and have absolutely no problem with them, but my first impression of his mother was less than desireable. Within the first five minutes of meeting her, after my fiance left the room, she was asking about our sex life, and went into a ten minute spill about her own love life, how she bed hops from man to man and how she has a fetish for hispanic men. It was extremely uncomfortable for me as I am not the type to discuss that with a stranger, let alone my fiance’s mother I am meeting for the first time. I just nodded my head the whole time. I was hoping that this uncomfortable tension would go away, but in the two years my fiance and I have been together, it has not.
During that trip, I caught word from my fiance that his mother was having a difficult time paying the rent and the electricity bill (she lives in low-income housing), so, without asking anything in return, I cut her a check for her rent for the month, and had my fiance give it to her. She accepted it willingly without shame. I never once received a thank you, which was all I really wanted.
That same trip, my fiance and I asked her if she wanted to go shopping with us before my flight left later that night. I was making the best attempt I could at getting to know her and bond with her. She agreed, and we decided just to stop at a store on the way to the airport. As soon as we walked into the store, she picked up armfuls of items, such as journals, bras, scrapbooks, etc, but throughout the time we spent in the store, she kept whining that she couldn’t afford any of it. A normal human being, such as myself, would think “Oh, I can’t afford this, I better put it back”, but instead she proceeded to pout over and over the entire time about her inability to purchase the items. My fiance, who had just been laid off from his job, was kind enough to offer to buy her one item of her choice, and so she could pick something and put the rest back (sounds like something you would tell a five year old, right?). Instead of doing so, she began to pout even more, telling him that she wanted all of it, and began throwing a fit in front of everyone. It was really embarassing and childish. I left on my flight that night thinking “What the heck did I just experience?”
The following year he moved to my state and we started living with each other. We went to visit last New Years because his brother was going to be deployed to Afghanistan the following month, and I wanted my fiance to see him again before he left. It was my gift to him. He was thrilled. I caught a cold the day before we left, but he had looked so forward to seeing his brother, so we made the five hour trip. I ended up staying in the hotel the majority of the weekend, throwing up. Not a great way to spend New Years. The last day we were there, I started to feel better, so I agreed to go with them to lunch and shopping. We went to Subway where my fiance offered to buy for everyone (him, me, his mother, his sister, his brother, and his nephew), which I was a little upset about because I knew it would be expensive (and we were sharing finances at this point). I later learned that our shopping trip later on would be funded by my fiance. At Subway, my fiance and I both ordered small six inch subs and shared a drink, as did his siblings, but his mother proceeded to order the most expensive, largest item on the menu and added all sorts of extras. Her meal alone was $25. It upset me, and I told my fiance afterwards, so when we went shopping, he advised everyone that because the lunch amount ran over a lot, he could only buy them each $5 worth of items or so, so we would just swing by the dollar store to browse. We walked into the dollar store, seperated from his family, browsed for about half an hour, and met up at the cash register. We had found a couple books to read on the way home. His brother and sister had picked out a couple things too. Then we turned to his mother and her cart was completely full of junk. She proceeded to do just as she did the first time I met her- pout. My fiance ended up giving into her pouts and purchased everything for her. I was furious and I wouldn’t speak to him on the way home. I told him that she pouts like a child because she knows he will give in because he is so good-hearted, but it cuts into our finances. He appologized and we eventually moved on.
This past week I got word that my future mother in law will be visiting this weekend, and I am DREADING it! First and foremost, I get the feeling she is going to try and whine and pout the entire time about how she doesn’t have money to do anything and my fiance is going to feel bad for her and buy her what she wants. We have agreed he will take out enough money to only pay his own way on everything they are doing this weekend, and I will hide his debit card from him until they leave. It is sad that this is neccessary.
Secondly, it really annoys me how much of an impact his mother has on him, no matter what the case. Last weekend he sent her a picture of something we bought together (a really large purchase) and he was so exited about it, and instead of texting back “Wow! I’m so proud of you for being able to save up the money for that!” or “It looks awesome” or whatever, she wrote back “I don’t like it. You can afford that, but can’t afford to pay my way when I come down? You should have spent it on new clothes.” I watched the light in my fiance’s face go from bright and happy to dim and sad.
Today I told my fiance I think it’s best that I do not spend the time with them when they are here this weekend, because I can only bite my tongue so much. I cannot sit back and watch someone I love get bullied and broken down.
Am I the only person that feels this way? I feel really bad for my fiance because none of this is his fault, but yet at the same time, I can’t stand to be around his mother and I feel myself get more and more angry every time she is around. Is it natural that couples don’t spend time with their family as a couple, and opt to spend it with them individually (ie he goes to visit them alone)? What can I do? What should I do?