Post # 1
I am SERIOUSLY sick to death of waiting. I have been with my SO for almost 7 years. We are both in our late 30’s, neither of us has been married before and there are no kids. We are both established in our jobs and we have no debt. We have lived together for 6 years in a house that we rent to own from my parents. So basically, there is not a major goal that we are trying to achieve before getting married. We actually live as if we are married. This is not good enough for me but I suspect that it IS good enough for him – forever. We have had many conversations about marriage and he always says that he already feels like we are married and that he will propose to me someday. Our relationship is good, we bicker just like any other couple and it has it’s ups and downs but there are no major issues. I love him and see my future with him and I am confident that he loves me and has no plans to leave or anything like that. I think he is just comfortable with us being together unmarried but living as if we are. He knows that marriage is important to me and I have even asked him to honestly tell me if he just doesn’t see that kind of a future with me because I can handle the truth. He says that he does. After 7 years, I just don’t understand what the hold up is. He is a huge procrastinator with everything, so I’m wondering if I should just give him an ultimatum or something like it? I really would hate to do that, because SOMETHING must be holding him back and I don’t want him to feel forced but at the same time I have done some soul searching and I can’t just be happy not being married. I feel like it is unfair for him to expect me to just be like, Oh you’re comfortable this way? Ok then I guess I’ll just have to stop wanting marriage. I am really at the point where as much as it would break my heart I’m wondering if I should just walk away from this relationship. I have asked for a timeline and he said probably within the next few years. He says he sees no reason to rush since we’ve decided not to have children. He says he’s not going anywhere so why am I trying to rush it? That’s ridiculous, it takes 10 years for him to decide if he sees a future with me?! I’m RUSHING?? I guess what I really want is for him just to decide once and for all so that I know where I stand, because this waiting crap is really taking it’s toll on me. What would you ladies do in this situation when you’ve tried talking and it just got you no where? If I really thought a proposal would come in the next few years I would hate that it took 10 damn years but I would wait because I love him, but I think as long as I shut up and wait he’ll just keep me waiting forever. Oh, here’s another thing. He says that he’s afraid a wedding will open up a can of worms in his family because his sisters haven’t spoken in years and he’s afraid our wedding would start a bunch of fighting amongst them or that one of them wouldn’t come because the other was going to be there. He is not open to elopement and wants at least a small wedding with immediate family and close friends present, as do I. He didn’t really give this as a reason for us not getting married, just as a fear of his. I just feel like his sisters issues shouldn’t have anything to do with us getting married.
Post # 3
I’m not a fan of ultimatums. Especially when it comes to engagement.
Could you just say “Dear, this afternoon I’d like to go look at some rings”. If he’s not the initiative taking type. perhaps is better to point him in the right direction.
Post # 4
@Riley328: So basically is everything is under his rules?
Yuck, no. I don’t hear any compromise in this story. And truthfully, if this arrangement is not good enough for you – why are you in it?
Post # 5
Could you propose to him? If he wants to be with you and just keeps procrastinating the actual proposal, why not ask him?
Post # 6
Marriage does not sound as important to him as it does to you. You need to believe him when he says he is in no rush. At this point you need to put your foot down. Are you willing to live with him forever without getting married? If you are not then you are going to have to move out.
Post # 7
If you’re both open to the idea of getting married, and it’s (basically) only his procrastination getting in the way, why don’t you propose to him?
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Riley328: If he wanted to be married, you would be married. If you absolutely must have marriage, then this isn’t the guy for you.
Propose to him and suggest you elope to avoid the drama with his family. If he still says he doesn’t want marriage then you have your answer and it’s time to move on.
Post # 9
@Riley328: If I were you I’d sit him down for a serious talk.
I would tell him that you’re tired of playing house and being a faux wife and that he seems very comfortable taking all the benefits of having a wife without giving you the honor, respect real commitment and love of actually making you one. Point out that he feels secure in your relationship while you’re left to wonder why he won’t marry you? That its a deeply hurtful, insecure place to be in.
Tell him that after seven years you have reached a crossroads where you need to move forward in your life – that you want a real marriage not to “feel like” you’re in one. You have waited patiently for seven years and have no patience left. He has had plenty of time to propose and hasn’t so he needs to give you a definitive answer – he either wants to marry you or he doesn’t. If he does – then things need to start happening – now. No vague plans or promises. No six months or a year timeline bullshit. His sisters and their drama shouldn’t even be a consideration and shame on him if he makes it one.
This is your life. You have a right to ask for what you want and tell your partner what you need. He’s had seven years to propose. Time to s*it or get off the pot.
Post # 10
You need to figure out what is important to you and what you can compromise on. Is marriage something you can live without and still be happy in the relationship, or is it something that you absolutely need in your life? If you can live without it then sure, keep waiting. If it is something you need from him and you’re tired of all the waiting and angst, then you need to set yourself a walk-away date and stick to it. Whether you tell him that date is up to you, but you should at least (calmly) discuss your ideal timeline with him and stress how important marriage is to you and the reasons why that is (legal protections, social benefits, etc.).
I think it is important not to blame him and be angry if you don’t see eye to eye on this. It is nobody’s fault if you have different life goals, it is just an unfortunate truth that you aren’t compatible and will have to achieve those goals with other people. The only thing that is worth getting furious about is if someone is actively leading you on but has no intention of actually taking that next step. That is why having a firm walk-away date is so important.