(Closed) I can't stand this anymore…please advise.

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4934 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m not a fan of ultimatums. Especially when it comes to engagement.

Could you just say “Dear, this afternoon I’d like to go look at some rings”. If he’s not the initiative taking type. perhaps is better to point him in the right direction. 

Post # 4
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Riley328:  So basically is everything is under his rules?

Yuck, no.  I don’t hear any compromise in this story.  And truthfully, if this arrangement is not good enough for you – why are you in it?

 

Post # 5
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Could you propose to him? If he wants to be with you and just keeps procrastinating the actual proposal, why not ask him?

Post # 6
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee

Marriage does not sound as important to him as it does to you. You need to believe him when he says he is in no rush. At this point you need to put your foot down. Are you willing to live with him forever without getting married? If you are not then you are going to have to move out.

Post # 7
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

If you’re both open to the idea of getting married, and it’s (basically) only his procrastination getting in the way, why don’t you propose to him?

Post # 8
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Riley328:  If he wanted to be married, you would be married.  If you absolutely must have marriage, then this isn’t the guy for you.

Propose to him and suggest you elope to avoid the drama with his family.  If he still says he doesn’t want marriage then you have your answer and it’s time to move on.

Post # 9
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Riley328:  If I were you I’d sit him down for a serious talk. 

 

I would tell him that you’re tired of playing house and being a faux wife and that he seems very comfortable taking all the benefits of having a wife without giving you the honor, respect real commitment and love of actually making you one.  Point out that he feels secure in your relationship while you’re left to wonder why he won’t marry you?  That its a deeply hurtful, insecure place to be in.

 

Tell him that after seven years you have reached a crossroads where you need to move forward in your life – that you want a real marriage not to “feel like” you’re in one.  You have waited patiently for seven years and have no patience left.   He has had plenty of time to propose and hasn’t so he needs to give you a definitive answer – he either wants to marry you or he doesn’t.  If he does – then things need to start happening – now.  No vague plans or promises.  No six months or a year timeline bullshit.  His sisters and their drama shouldn’t even be a consideration and shame on him if he makes it one.

 

This is your life.  You have a right to ask for what you want and tell your partner what you need.  He’s had seven years to propose.  Time to s*it or get off the pot. 

 

 

 

Post # 10
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You need to figure out what is important to you and what you can compromise on. Is marriage something you can live without and still be happy in the relationship, or is it something that you absolutely need in your life? If you can live without it then sure, keep waiting. If it is something you need from him and you’re tired of all the waiting and angst, then you need to set yourself a walk-away date and stick to it. Whether you tell him that date is up to you, but you should at least (calmly) discuss your ideal timeline with him and stress how important marriage is to you and the reasons why that is (legal protections, social benefits, etc.).

 

I think it is important not to blame him and be angry if you don’t see eye to eye on this. It is nobody’s fault if you have different life goals, it is just an unfortunate truth that you aren’t compatible and will have to achieve those goals with other people. The only thing that is worth getting furious about is if someone is actively leading you on but has no intention of actually taking that next step. That is why having a firm walk-away date is so important.

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