(Closed) I can’t stop fighting with my soon to be husband…

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

when i was unemployed and my Fiance was working, we went through a similar issue because i was SO bored all day, and by the time he got home I was dying for someone to talk to.  I had to learn that he needs some time to unwind at the end of the day, and can’t just come home to me waiting for him to spend time with me.  I think you should give him some more space when he gets home and let him vent.  Maybe you don’t like hearing the venting because you are not working, but give it a try.

Post # 17
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Like the pp said I think this is definitley due to the changes of financial strain…. Especially with a wedding to pay for… sigh

As for the rim issue… I can tell you just from talks with my Darling Husband is that this is probably how his head went when he heard and then how he reacted…..

thought: Now I can add that to his things of needing to get fixed.. oh wait I need money to do that… oh wait we’re on only my income and it already doesn’t seem like enough…. ARRRGHHH

response: I can’t think about that right now…

Our guys want to be able to provide sufficiently and have nice things and things fixed and in order… I’m sure that just like you it’s stressed him, but from another persepective and “angle”

As for his work… you just need to keep affirming him.

My Darling Husband has a laborous outdoor carpentry job and down here in South Texas right now it’s 100+ degrees daily… He’s got 20+ years age difference between him and his co-workers, he just got married whereas all of them are divorced, and we’re Christians so they’ve made known how much they don’t like his pick for his days radio station…. Definitely could become a strain at home if I didn’t active try for it not to….

Here’s what I’ve done…

1. At first he was coming home with dinner ready and prepared….

What happened was he’d come in “long-faced”, dirty, and tired and after greeting me, giving me a hug, he’d said.. I’ma go get cleaned….. almost an HOUR later he’d be ready to sit down and eat….

pffttt.. not gonna lie this did bother me…

How I fixed it…… I now generally have dinner cooking (if a baked dish) when he gets home and while he showers I’ll usually head up with him and chat with him while he’s showering… That way he can de-compress while getting refreshed and then when he comes done for dinner we aren’t talking “work”

2. Having bad or stressful days…

I’m constantly one to try and find something encouraging about a situation… (learned the hard way about squashing his spirit)… Now no matter what the day has brought I always make sure my responses are about how he’s excelling, how he’s just going to get better/ get a raise/ feel like what he’s doing is worth more, how his co-workers are just having their own issues and it’s not his, how we don’t need to worry about how/when somethings going to get paid… we’ll “worry” it when the day comes, etc

This has REALLY helped.

3. Have a real in depth convo about the plan on how to alleviate the financial strain…

This doesn’t neccesarily mean you go back to work… but what things can be cut so that it’s not so much of a burden. What are some ways you can help so that it’s not totally on his shoulders?..

I know for us.. Darling Husband is the very primarily income but I pay all the bills… so in essence we share the stress. He’s thought is “ok.. how do I make enough” and my thought is “okay how do I get everything all paid with what we have”

Sharing it had really helped us both stay encouraging to one anothers position and that it’s not all on me or him alone.

Also, I think that getting some resources on good communication skills would benefit both of you…. how each of you is responsible for your own behavior and regardless of how he acts/reacts you have the opportunity to either inflate the issue or deflate the issue. 

I was in a verbally abusive relationship so I understand being yelled out… but also know that yelling back is and has never been an affective tool in getting the problem to stop or the issue to go away.

A few resources that I would suggest are:

1. Preparing for Marriage – Atleast the first 2 worksheets to get some good open communication for a good foundation.

2. Love & Respect – You read the 1 part, Respect portion, and last part…

3. The Love List – Simple things that we forget that can make a world of difference

Goodluck =)

Post # 18
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

  You bugged him at work over a scratched Mercedes rim when you know he’s already stressed out by said job?  THat’s ridiculous and childish.  Bitching because he wants to talk about his bad day when you’ve been home all day doing basic chores?  That’s just selfish. 

Post # 19
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I wouldn’t worry so much about it. I used to have a really stressful job, and when I came home, I would need a few minutes to myself to decompress, and then I’d end up venting to my husband. I finally quit that job, and just finished going back to school as a career change, and am currently at home this summer not working. I totally feel you, when you just want to hang out when he gets home, but I always try to just give my husband some time to decompress before we sit down together because I remember how much I used to need that. Don’t take it personally, and remember that he’s probably super overwhelmed right now.

Post # 21
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

just wanted to say that you handled all our advice really well and I’m glad to hear things are getting better!!

Post # 22
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I missed the boat on the original replies, but I just wanted you to know you aren’t the only one. We’ve been fighting like dogs the last couple weeks, and I totally chalk it up to pre-wedding stress. we’ve been together 4 years, and have never been like this. it’s just petty arguments, short tempers type of thing.

Post # 23
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think the bees covered most of the important points re throwing things, calling off the wedding, etc., but I did want to write to provide some support for you on dealing with SO’s stress.  I’m also unemployed.  This is incredibly stressful for me but I try not to take it out on him.  (Please note: I have a small part time job and unemployment so I have not yet dipped into my savings, which would keep me for quite a while.  My Fiance does not support me.) 

He on the other hand, is constantly complaining about his job in such a negative way that it sometimes drags me down too, despite my best efforts.  All of his friends joke about his attitude but you can tell that’s because they get frustrated too.  Frankly, I think he’s depressed but he refuses to go to the doctor (hasn’t been in 10+ years).  So it’s hard to keep taking that negativity from him day in day out.  I’ve actually spoken about it as a weight over me, in such a way my doctor friend got really worried for both of us.  (He goes in phases and he’s in a somewhat better at the moment.)  So I want to say his stress is a big problem that you need to figure out together.

I also don’t think that just because he is stressed, means that you can’t talk to him about what stresses you.  It’s a very poor partnership if you have to bottle everything up.  Don’t get me wrong, you try to help him out (e.g. I do a lot of admin stuff to help free up his time), but you should NOT be afraid to talk to him about what is going on with you.  A relationship goes two ways – sharing stress should lighten the load.

As to whether the timing of the call was bad, well, only you know if his job is one you talk during the day or not.  Traditionally my SO calls me about twice during the day – sometime near (a late) lunch and just before he leaves.  So I can talk to him then.  But trying to reach him to talk about something at say, 10 in the morning, is just not going to happen.  Only you know if saving that till you get home would have been better – but it’s hard to remember these things when you’re upset.

Post # 24
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I love the bees! So much good advice. I was unemployed when Darling Husband and I first started dating. I would email him 20 million links every day as I surfed the web and found interesting stuff. What worked for us- I would send him all the things I found interesting with a *star* if it was something important that he had to read (which I used very sparingly). He would read what he could get to and I was totally okay if he ignored the rest. I had to have an outlet, he needed to know it was okay if he didn’t respond to my every passing thought.

As for you guys–have you thought of volunteering or getting part-time job? (I unfortunately was ill and unable to work or I would have) This would get you out of the house and not depending on him for all your social interactions.

PS–get over wanting overwhelming thanks and praise for cooking dinner. If you are doing cooking such great meals just for the praise, you are a martyr. Cook a nice meal if you enjoy doing it, but dont do it for the attention.

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