I cant stop hating my FMIL

posted 2 weeks ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

You dont sound psycho, you sound emotionally drained. Best thing you can do is have space from his mom after the wedding. Go to his hometown for important birthdays and family events but say no to casual dinners. You need space from her. She sounds like the psycho one.

Post # 3
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

This sounds…unhinged. Having him return a custom ring because she saw it? Wanting to “break her face”? Suggesting your fiancé “re-propose” so you can be appropriately blindsided? Yikes. It’s up to your partner to enforce appropriate boundaries with his mother, but your reactions are alarming. 

Post # 4
Member
550 posts
Busy bee

You both sound high maintenance imo. Yeah she was overbearing but you completely overreacted. What difference does it make that she saw the ring? It’s pretty OTT that you demanded he return it and get you a new one-that’s pretty dramatic and unnecessary. I’m sorry but you both sound difficult 

Post # 5
Member
328 posts
Helper bee

motogal :  Youd be surprised how far a mil can push a dil. Until you’ve experienced it, dont just call someone unhinged. It’s the MILs that arent outwardly evil but rather emotionally manipulative that are the worst. At least if she were outwardly mean, itd be easier to straight up tell her off and forget her. But emotional manipulation, which is what I see here, is another level and can be damaging to everyone and can even ruin a perfectly good marriage if the couple is unprepared and unskilled to handle this.

 

OP, enjoy your new husband and get distance from his mother 

Post # 6
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You are not crazy or psycho. An overbearing Mother-In-Law is enough to drive a girl mad. I get it, because mine kind of ruined the day we announced our engagement. I would advise you to keep your distance and be as “nice” as you can when you have to be around her. 

jessicabee1234 :  

Post # 7
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I don’t know what to make of this post. I realize this is your side of the story and her side may make you sound similarly difficult but either way, I am sorry there is frustration on either side. IMO, part of being supportive means giving space when needed.

I understand you wanting to see the ring first. I wouldn’t ask my fiance to propose again or buy a new ring, but I do think the first person to see the ring should be the future bride if that’s possible. I’m such a private person that I’ve thought about using a First Look as an opportunity to exchange handwritten vows between the two of us, then just saying plain “I Do’s” during the ceremony in front of everyone else.

However this situation resolves itself, I hope it brings you peace.

Post # 8
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

I think a renewal of the proposal is a fantastic idea. 
People who say “unhinged” aren’t really getting how horrid the “sweet” manipulative drama queen demanding MILs can be…
i understand. Oh, do I ever. 

Yes, you’ve worded things strongly, but you did say you were venting. This was a proper Irish vent in my world 😉

just ask him to make a special day for you and renew the proposal. Do something together to cleanse all that went before, whether it be a literal cleansing by going swimming (you’d be surprised- water CAN and does remove emotional build up, if we bring intention to it) 
or simply a symbolic one. Do whatever really works for you to mark a transition between THEN and NOW – write down what hurts and throw it on a fire on the beach, say what hurts aloud while holding a stone and put all of those thoughts into the stone and toss it into a river, etc…you get the picture. Whatever you can do together that helps you cross a new threshold- do that, to take back your engagement. 

Schedule an engagement photo shoot to celebrate the two of you and your new commitment to enjoyment, maybe. Or make a vision board together.  Light a candle, write on a piece of paper what you are most grateful for about your partner at this time, and read it to each other…

all these things will help you release what was, and ground you in what IS and can be. 

I say all these things, because my fiance and I are doing them. I myself dreamed more about the engagement as well. It was amazing- he did an incredible job from start to finish. it was unforgettable, and more wonderful than I ever dreamed an engagement could be. 

and then…my future Mother-In-Law had a fit and threw all kinds of emotional drama and crap at us. Just didn’t want to congratulate us, didn’t want to approve, didn’t want to even try to have the basic good manners of holding her tongue and letting someone else be happy. 
I have since found out that it’s really that for once it wasn’t about her, and she CANNOT have that…

but at the time, I was shocked and hurt. So yes…I well know how vicious the “sweet helpless little church lady” can be.. oh my lordddd. 

SO. take it back! take your power back. She can’t make this about her if you don’t let her. She got away with upsettting you this long; she got away with her drama, now it’s time for you to REWRITE the script. It can be fun- it can be beautiful- and trust me when I say it might even help you look back and laugh, even just a week from now. Things truly can shift on a dime once you take your power back and detach from someone, renewing your gratitude and connection, and removing her ability to upset you in any way. 

She can’t upset you if you shrink her importance. At present, it seems there’s something you need from her – and as long as we “need” someone to act a certain way, we are stepping into a cage and putting the key to our well-being into their pocket. 

Bee.  Turn into Robin Hood, kick that cage open and grab back your key. 

she’ll try even harder once she realizes she cant’ upset you anymore – but at that point you can just smile and watch her antics. She’s just an ineffectual old lady, after all- they’re simply trying to keep all the attention and energy focused on them. I pity both of these women. 

(my Mother-In-Law has realized she’s going to not be invited to the wedding if she keeps that act up, so she did an about face and started swamping me with wedding emails, sometimes 7 a day, and told my mom she regrets being so horrible to me. It’s a nice change…) 

sigh. sorry, bee. people are clearly really weird about weddings. 

Post # 9
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

ahsoka :  

This sounds really sweet and like the perfect solution. 

 

@OP: 

I hope you are able to get through the wedding okay and your SO can enforce proper boundries with his mother.

Maybe getting a new ring was a bit dramatic, but it’s better to have a ring that you won’t resent. 

Post # 10
Member
869 posts
Busy bee

Don’t cut off your nose, to spite your face. Don’t lose track of what is important. 

Post # 11
Member
3163 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

If your Mother-In-Law is stepping all over your boundaries that’s because the two of you are allowing it. You’re getting married in a matter of months, stop being ridiculous by suggesting a redo of the proposal. The new ring didn’t make you forget that she “ruined” the first one by looking at it, and a new proposal won’t make you forget that the first one didn’t live up to your expectations. 

Set boundaries as a team and stick to them. If you can’t do that then your problem is your Fiance, not your Mother-In-Law.

Post # 12
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

She is demanding and invasive and manipulative and selfish and overinvolved and self-indulgent.

And your problem is your fiance, not his mother. If he set meaningful boundaries and enforced them and if he prioritized you over her she would not be a problem. He promised you’d be the first to see the ring; then he showed her first.

Personally, I wouldn’t sign up for forty years of her being First Wife. You might see if he’s open to couple’s counseling.

Post # 13
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Your Mother-In-Law sounds exactly like my Mother-In-Law. Thankfully, I already knew about her manipulatative, crocodile tears before I met her. I would be super pissed if my husband had shown her the ring before he gave it to me, after we had that discussion. Your fi should know better, since he knows exactly how manipulative she is.

As for the wedding, one of the reasons that we eloped is because I didn’t want to look at her, or deal with her on our wedding day. There was no way in heck, that should would have been able to make it through a whole afternoon without doing something to make the day about her. So, we eloped, outside of the US. It was, absolutely, the best day, and the best decision. It was wonderful. 

If it’s any consolation, she did seem to calm down a wee bit after we got married. I’m sure there’s some twisted reason for it. 

Post # 14
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You sound really immature & yes, unhinged. I’m feeling for your fiance and, yes, his mom. 

How old are you?

Post # 15
Member
4587 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I don’t know what to make of this… your feelings are too intense, you need to step back and work on calming down

My issues are with my mother, not a mil. My mother tells anyone who will listen that I am an abusive piece of garbage, then she will turn around and be sweet to my face. Her social circles get really confused if they ever meet me, first because my mother treats me nicely, second because I’m not an abusive piece of garbage. The last social circle she had asked me “where were you when your mother was living on the streets in a box?” At that point this person had seen my mother for who she was and I laughed and was like… you and I both know that never happened

If your relationship is going to survive, you need to create boundaries so she doesn’t affect you to this extreme. Wanting to break her face is extreme anger. Given what I’ve been through, I don’t understand that kind of reaction based on what you’ve said here, but I’ve been through some extreme things so I try to keep that in mind when I read something and think that the reaction does not match what happened.

Step back, take some space, give yourself time to cool off. STOP LETTING HER LIVE RENT FREE IN YOUR HEAD. Create distance and boundaries.

Otherwise this will always be a toxic mess and you will always be angry.

Totally not worth it.

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