I cant stop hating my FMIL

posted 7 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

From reading this she seems very hard to get along with. Good luck with her Bee. I am so glad my future mil isn’t like that. She needs to have some boundries I think you have tried to set them but your fh hasn’t. I don’t think your mil ruined your engagment I think it was him who did. He didn’t have balls enough to tell his mother NO she can not see the ring. I don’t care if she cried, threw a tantrum or screamed. You had told him you did not want her to see the ring and what did he do….he showed her the ring. He needs to be able to say no to her.

Post # 17
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I’d recommend couple’s counseling or a little premarital counseling with the fiance. You two need to land on the same page about boundaries and the extent to which his mother is privy to your lives. Someone who is pushy and really wants to be involved can be difficult to deal with if there are no boundaries actively enforced first by her son and then by you. I’d pick and choose your battles though. Are you two thinking about a honeymoon? Maybe ask him to surprise you there with a little commitment moment that’s just the two of you. You could also consider a vow renewal down the line complete with a proposal from him. There’s lots of ways to get really nice moments. A traditional proposal is not the only one. It sounds like you really had a lot of pressure placed on it and your heart set on it. It’s time to rewrite the script and find new nice moments. Bottom line is you love this person and you’re going to have your life with him. Don’t let this stuff get in your head or take priority over the excitement of starting your lives together.

Best of luck. I really do understand why you wanted the proposal to be the main event. Emotionally those reasons ring very true. But I do think there are other ways to achieve that same objective if you’re willing to think outside of the box a bit.

Post # 18
Member
2115 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Ugh, I am so sorry you are going through this. I think ahsoka has some great advice, and I will actually be using a couple of her ideas! My issue isnt’ with my Mother-In-Law but my SIL. I totally understand how you feel about someone knowing about the ring before you. My husband and I designed my ring and we worked really hard on it. I had the initial idea, he took me to the jeweler and let me run with it. We both loved the setting I picked. He picked the stone that looked better with it and we are super proud of the ring. No one has one like mine that we have seen, and so we just love it! Once the ring came in, he showed his sister becuase he was so excited. Not a big deal, both of my brothers showed me for the same reason before they proposed. They just wanted someone to gush over it with. Now, while I wouldn’t tell my brothers’ wives I saw the ring first in a million years, that is all that his sister could talk about. Any time we were with her and someone asked to see the ring there was always a comment how she “saw it first” and “gave her approval” type of thing. A few times she even made it seem like she was there with him to pick it out. It would make me so mad whenever she said that. Finally my husband was like “stop. stop acting like you picked it out, stop telling people that you saw it first, just stop all of it, I’m done with it.” She got all mad and pissed off and had a big dramatic reaction, but my husband stood strong, and just didn’t put up with it. So I totally understand where you are coming from, as it broke my freaking heart every time she acted like she had anything at all to do with the ring, or the proposal or like she pushed him to propose because that’s just not what happened. And we are both really proud of what we made and how we went about everything. 

Throughout the whole wedding planning she had a big issue with not being the center of attention and there were a lot of boundary settings, pushing back with my husband, etc.  But my husband was always on my side. He asked if we wanted her to bring the dog to the park for our engagement pics and I said “no, I’d rather ask a friend because if we ask your sister, she will just make it all about her, and every time we show our engagement pictures she will make some comment about how she told us to do that pose, or she was there for that picture and she knew it was the best one, plus she will take pics on her phone and show them before the final pics were done, or post all over snapchat just so everyone knew she was a part of it, and I just cannot deal with that. I already don’t like showing off my ring when I am with her because of the comments, I’m not going to hate showing off engagement pics, too” He was like “okay, I totally understand, and I agree with you” He was always on my team, and he always asked me before he asked her to do anything. He was a little upset a few times, but he totally understood where I was coming from and if it was really important for her to be somewhere, he just let me know, and I was fine with letting her come or participate. You need to talk to your fiance about this. Get on the same page now with his mom or this will spiral out of control in your marriage. You also need to find a way to let the anger go, because this woman will be your family now. I am still working on that. I know it is important that I have a good relationship with my SIL, but I am still just so mad at some of the stuff she has done over the course of our relationship. Best of luck, and I hope it all works out! 

Post # 19
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee

jessicabee1234 :  make it clear that after the wedding you will only see the Mother-In-Law once a quarter or however frequent you feel necessary. She stomps on boundaries and guilt trips your fiancé into breaking his promises to you. This is not normal. Does your fiancé realize this? Is he on your side or his mom’s side? 

Post # 20
Member
10855 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Sansa85 :  

Amazing how closely they stick to the Narcissists’ Handbook

Page 67:  The Smear Campaign:

    If your best efforts to keep your Narcissistic Supply from rebelling or escaping should fail to bring them back under your control; they must be severely punished. This can be accomplished in a number of ways; one of the most effective is the time tested Smear Campaign.

   Studies show that the Smear Campaign is 97% effective in making your quarry cry; 95% effective in making the PTSD you already caused even worse; and, 86% effective in causing permanent rifts between family members and/or friends.

If those stats aren’t good enough, here is another perk—a really effective Smear Campaign can even get your target fired!    

<u>Rule Number One:</u>

  Let’s say your NS is a model citizen; hard working, successful, responsible, you know; exactly the type we like to latch onto. Your best tactic is to contact her friends, family, and employer to express your deep concerns about her.  The poor, troubled woman has begun abusing street drugs and you’re worried sick.

See how this works?  Be creative! Have fun.  Use that silver tongue of yours.

 

Post # 22
Member
5566 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

jessicabee1234 :  it’s usually very difficult to explain everything, each example of what has happened, and to explain in such detail that strangers can grasp the level of dysfunction that has happened.

I’m glad that premarital counseling has helped and that your fiancé is starting to see her as a manipulator.

You can’t change what she does, you can only protect yourself from it, by seeing her for who she is, limiting contact if necessary, and developing a thicker skin. I don’t mean that as an insult at all, you need a thick skin to deal with manipulators, that takes some work to get there

Post # 23
Member
5566 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

sassy411 :  I get a kick out of the fact that she is playing a ptsd angle from everything everyone has put her through (outlandish lies that actually include hired hitmen) but I’ve actually been diagnosed with it because of what she’s put us through 🤷🏻‍♀️

All I can do about that is just laugh and stay far, far away from her when she’s off the rails, and far away from whoever is currently caught up in her web, as much as I can. People in her circles have lashed out at us, but we have to learn to write it off because they have no idea what they are talking about and they will learn eventually 

Post # 24
Member
10855 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Sansa85 :  

Oh, the gift of perspective.  It really is everything.

According to my “father”, I spent my 40s living in a crack house.

Both of my tormentors are dead now. Ahhh, free at last.

Post # 25
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

jessicabee1234 :  bee, don’t call yourself “crazy” just because some on here like to attack. You made it clear you were venting. When we write, we’re a little freer to say stuff we simply cannot say to anyone in our lives at present (except maybe a therapist), and things can come out strongly worded. 

You know your own heart. The propensity of some bees on this site to go on the attack is their problem, not yours. I’ve received private messages from other bees who won’t post here anymore because of how they’ve been jumped on, judged, bullied and told who they are. 

We don’t know you. What we say is a reflection only of our relationship to ourselves, and our own lives. Sometimes it can be helpful and bring perspective. Sometimes, it’s not. But taking bees’ criticism (who have never met you, and are only getting a small slice of the story, which you wrote while in a mood and needing to vent some upset!) is not ever – ever- going to help you. 

Certainly do not take on any judgments or name-calling. That kind of thing isn’t at all personal or applicable. 

You can examine what we said and search yourself, find out if you’re overreacting or difficult or all the other judgements- but at the end of the day, your feelings are valid, they’re signals, and the choice of action is what falls to you to take responsibility for. You can have feelings ALL OVER THE PLACE about this, and no one gets to shame those. 

Imo, venting here is a good choice of action, rather than trying to argue with or control your Mother-In-Law, or bring all the intense emotions to your FH. 

 

 

Post # 26
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

sassy411 :  omg. What is this narcissist thing from? That’s exactly what my brother did most of my life until my parents and I finally completely cut him off. He’s still trying to do it. 

It’s so sick. If they can’t control us, they’ll try to control how others see us. 

And yes – people are shocked when they meet me or my parents and find we aren’t these crazy super villains after all..

I finally realized that there wasn’t anything to be done but cut him off, as narcissists simply cannot be reached in any sort of human communication.  Ugh 😑 

Post # 27
Member
10855 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ahsoka :  

Excellent point.  They’re also very invested in Image Management.  They’ll try to get in front of the story and pitch their make believe.

Post # 28
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

jessicabee1234 :  Oh my god.  I swear people bring up abuse and narcissism in every post with a difficult family member.   

Firstly, a proposal, wedding and marriage is between TWO people.  You sound very “me me me” in your desires for how you wanted your proposal and wedding.  Your fiance also gets a say, including in if he wants to show people the ring before proposing to you.  Maybe he wanted reassurance that it was nice, maybe he wanted to show off his hard work, either way if he dead set did not want to show his mother the ring before the proposal, he simply wouldn’t have. 

Your Mother-In-Law is I’m guessing, pretty traditional and expects their child’s proposal and wedding goes a certain way.  You can’t change someones behaviour, so who cares if she checks out venues, tries cake etc?  If she brings it up to you, just say “Oh Mother-In-Law, why would you waste your time like that?  We aren’t at that stage of planning/have already decided on our cake/are going to choose that ourselves as a couple”

The problem here, is your Fiance.  He needs to firstly, be honest with you about how much he wants his mother involved (Sounds like he’s too quick to make her the bad guy) and secondly, firm with his mother when she stomps over a boundary you have decided on together.  He needs to stop blaming her to you for his own behaviour (showing her the ring is something HE did), he needs to leave or hang up the phone when she shows poor behaviour, and he just needs to grow a spine in general. 

My Mother-In-Law can absolutely boundary stomp, but I don’t need to get worked up at all because before I even have time to react, my Darling Husband is telling her why she is out of line and if she doesn’t cease, he will cut the visit or phone call. 

I feel this type of behaviour is very similar to when guys disregard established boundaries for their bachelor party and do something inappropriate, then wail “MY FRIENDS MADE ME DO IT”.

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