(Closed) I can't stop thinking about my ex. Please help. (Long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3668 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

You’re not a horrible person. It sounds like you miss the person you thought he was, not the person he actually was (believe me, I’ve been there). Please don’t take this as a guilt trip, but the time you spend mooning over the fake persona this guy projected is time you could spend with a real man who loves you and does want to spend the rest of his life with you! I think you should write a letter getting all of your feelings out, but burn it or destroy it — and with it, any illusions you still have about your toxic ex.

Post # 5
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

PP had good advice. I’d also like to add a suggestion: whenever you think about something positive about your ex, force yourself to think about the negative things about him. For example, if you find yourself thinking “ex and I used to love doing X together”, force yourself to acknowledge “ex was a lying jerk and had a terrible temper”. This will help you confront the reality of the situation, which is that your ex isn’t as wonderful as your memory makes him seem.

Post # 6
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree with the very wise advice the pps have given you. 

However, I will add something else:  If you are having this  many conflicting emotions and a strong desire to return to someone whom you know does not want you, who is not even the person you thought he was, and who is not at all  good for you, it strongly suggests to me that there could be something significant missing for you in your current relationship.

Your Fiance sounds like a sweet, kind, and wonderful man who truly loves you.  Even so, that does not necessarily mean you are in love with him or that he is the one for you. What do you think about this? 

Post # 7
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Regina Phalange:  Perfect response!

I know exactly how you feel. I have 3 exes that I think about often….

1) First guy I was with for over 7 years… just wish I knew how he was.  We were in small amts of contact before I was engaged- I think he still had feelings for me b/c after I was engaged he’s never talked to me since b/c he told me he was jealous of my FI- and he knew he had effed things up, and didn’t deserve me (sad- but true).  We just wanted different things.  He had a very volatile personality- and got abusive at times.  I honestly think he had some mental health issues- and I tried to “fix” them.  Young and dumb.  In the end- we couldn’t compromise or be together in a “healthy” way…. so it was best for us to just say goodbye… and I did.  I am so proud of myself for not living a lifetime in that cycle of abuse.  So many women do not have the strength to do that.

Then To ensure I said goodbye for good.. I met the next winner.  Things moved too fast with this one…. he got off on the fact that he could tell girls all the things they wanted to hear…. and had control over everything…. Until something “better” came along.  I was vulnerable… so I bit

2) Guy i dated immediately after #1.  Sounds a lot like the dude you described.  He was emailing girls the whole time I basically lived in his house!  Two days before Christmas he just told me to come get my stuff out of his house b/c he’d changed his mind and found someone better. I literally had a bit of a mental breakdown.   Then, I still “loved” him- and had the most demented relationship with him.  For over a year- he dated other girls- but it was NO secret- I was the one he cared about…. but wasn’t good enough for him.  Every girl he dated hated me.  They all said I was “too pretty” to just be his friend… and they knew how close we were.  He called me everyday on his way to work to see how I was, tell me about what was going on with him, work drama, ask advice etc.  I WAS his emotional significant other… we laughed, cried, and loved one another greatly. We went and did things together (concerts, went out, slept together a few times etc).  And I don’t blame those girls for hating me!  What’s funny- he said I wasn’t good enough for him- but in reality– it was the other way around.  I actually had to cut ties with him b/c he was trying to mess up my relationship with now Darling Husband… telling me he’d never make me happy the way he did– the guy was ENGAGED to his now wife- telling me this!  I finally cut ties and never looked back.  He was dead weight!  I’d love to show him I was good enough— and I now have a great life without him!  And…. I’m a snarky witch- but his wife is DOG ugly! 

3) I dated the nicest guy ever right after I dated my now Darling Husband the 1st time around.  He was awesome- we had fun together-  had similiar interests… But he broke things off with me when he found out he had cancer (for 2nd time) about a month and a half into our relationship.  I lived over 2 hours away— and we just didn’t want to drag things out…. Hard to explain- but we knew our relationship wasn’t strong enough at that time to cross that bridge.  I look back, and kind of wish I would’ve been there more for him- but it was a BAD time in my own life- My parents had just seperated, I was layed off from work, and just basically a flipping mess.  We continued to be friends after we broke up (not like the above mentioned demented type of friends… but real friends) He died 3 years ago this August.  I always think about him.  Certain songs on the radio especially remind me of him.  Or sometimes I just get this overwhelming feeling that he’s nearby… IDK why, it’s weird.  He was a wonderful man- and sometimes I wonder if he was just an Angel that I had the pleasure of meeting to help me through a bad spot in life and show me that the right man Will come along…. that sadly, he had to go back home. 

I think it’s ok to think about exes… and I’m sorry that I just went on this long rant about my own relationships— but it was kind of therapuetic to get my thoughts out b/c I often feel guilty when I wonder about my exes too.

I have a fabulous husband.  He’s not perfect- but I’ve never been with someone who loves me as deeply as him and I do him also.  It’s natural to wonder “what if”… but all of those what ifs always end in a sad ending…. and then I remember I’m living my happily ever after right now!

Post # 8
1526 posts
Bumble bee

Was he your first? Because sometimes we have an irrational love for our first loves that takes years to get over, regardless of what horrible people they are. I know this was the case for me, but that was 5 years ago. 

It’s going to take time, but you need to move on. He sounds like he would have been an emotionally, possibly physically abusive boyfriend, and I think that the what if you should be focusing on is “what if I’d stayed and got stuck with an abusive alcoholic? I’m so grateful I have my fiancé who is an amazing person and who I know would never treat me like that.” 

Honestly, it’s going to take time. Your ex doesn’t love and care about you, and that isn’t fair to you. But you have an amazing guy you should focus on and be grateful for. Your relationship with your ex wasn’t going anywhere. Be sad and mourn the relationship, but then move on.

Post # 9
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

you were in love with someone who doesn’t exist.  he wasn’t even who you thought he was.  your fi seems like an amazing and understanding man.  you need to realize what you have and figure out why you don’t think you deserve someone so wonderful.  do you possibly have insecurity or self-esteem issues?

you need closure from your ex.  you will never move forward emotionally or mentally if you don’t accept that he is gone.  let’s face it, he was never really invested in you.

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