Post # 1
I have been in a loving, serious relationship for 10 years. We’ve been together since highschool. In our second year of college, my boyfriend went away to study abroad for six months in Central America. At the time we said we could stay in a non-open, long-distance relationship. We grew apart a bit, and only talked about once per week. I was lonely and missed him.
Three months later though, I went on my own study abroad trip to Northern Africa. Now were even further apart geographically and emotionally. I continued being faithfull to him until the last week of my trip when I ended up hooking up with someone. I made out (kissed) but refused to have sex because I thought that would be cheating (somehow I thought at the time that kissing was not). A few days later I hung out with the same guy again and we kissed again. I felt so dirty and guilty.
I didn’t have any intention of cheating and I had abosolutely no feelings for this other guy. I haven’t talked with him since. I don’t even remember his name. Yes, alcohol was involved. For some reason, at the time, I thought it would be better to not tell anyone about it and pretend it didn’t happen. I know this is sick logic but I thought I was protecting my boyfriend from the pain. I burried it deep,deep down and tried to forget.
Flash forward six years. We live together. We have a cat. We share a house. When his mother was sick, I moved with him to be closer to her. When I got a job in a new town he moved with me. We have climbed mountains together (literally), traveled and adventured. We have been through so much. I love him so deeply and want to spend the rest of my life with him. We have had vague conversations about marriage but he has not proposed.
Thinking about the possibility of marriage, I feel like I need to be 100 percent honest with him. No secrets. I feel so guilty that I hid it for so long. And I know that when I tell him it will inflict so much pain. I am so ashamed. What should I do? How should I tell him? I know that he will be upset but I have no idea what else to expect. Is there anyone who has cheated/been cheated on that can shed light onto the situation?
Post # 2
I don’t see what good will come out of telling him. You risk ruining the good relationship you have and you will hurt him and cause him to doubt everything you two have shared. I understand the importance of honesty but this time you have to think of the price and whether you are willing to pay it.
Kissing is still cheating without a doubt, but it is less damaging than if you slept with the guy. I would say just let it go. you were young and made a mistake. You have since proven your love for him by going as for as moving closer to his mom (respect, by the way, I would not have done that for a boyfriend with no ring on my finger).
i kind of wonder though… You’ve been together ten years but he has not proposed and you have had only vague conversations about marriage? Is he on the same page with you as far as marriage is concerned? that’s a red flag to me.
Post # 3
I think you just need to let this go. It was 6 years ago, no feelings involved, and just a kiss. If my Fiance had done this, I wouldn’t want to know now. Would you want to know if your Fiance had done the same thing?
Post # 4
I honestly don’t know if I would want to know. It’s just hard because he is just such an honest guy himself. He has iron-clad morals and has said repeatedly that he hates cheaters. I’m worried that it will totally ruin our relationship but I’m also worried that I will just carry this guilt with me everyday otherwise.
Post # 5
Don’t tell him. You said you buried it in the past, you need to bury it again.
Post # 6
Okay, we have had a little more than vague conversations… he said he has seriously thought about proposing to me but wanted to take care of all his debt first and save up money for a ring, and establish his career first. I think revealing this information now would delay the marriage idea even further… but I feel like he should know this first before he proposes… If this doesn’t change his mind completely.
Post # 7
- Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA
I would not tell him. You want to tell him for you, not for him. Think about it that way. It will make you feel better, and him worse. I don’t normally advocate secrets but this was so long ago and only a kiss. Forgive yourself and move on.
Post # 8
No purpose will be served by telling him at this point. It was a kiss, it was years and years ago, and you were both very young. Just let it go.
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
another vote for keeping it to yourself. go confess to a priest or something, just to get it off your chest. write it on paper and burn it. forgive yourself. you deserve it.
Post # 10
At this point the only purpose telling him world serve would be easing your own guilt.
Deal with it and keep your mouth shut. There’s no reason he needs to know.
Post # 11
It’s been so long why would you tell him. I mean i get where you are coming from but think about it from his point of view. You cheated! What if an never look at you the same? What if this would cause you to break up? Do you think it’s worth losing him? I mean he may be completely ok with it. What if he has secrets of his own and this just opens up another door? I mean if you feel like you absolutely have to tell him go for it but like my Fiance says always prepare for the worst. That way if it doesn’t go the way you had planned you wont be disappointed.
Post # 12
Ignorance is bliss. your punishment is feeling bad about it. don’t go punishing him by telling him about something you did 6 years ago. It’s just sex, pole in a hole, natural instincts, whatever you want to call it. you said you don’t have feelings for the guy and didn’t know his name, so learn from your mistakes on what made you feel bad, and don’t make those mistakes again. goodness, it was 6 yrs ago. I guarantee you are a much different person now than you were 6 years ago. At this point, just be the best Girlfriend you can be. It’s been such a long time that it isn’t worth risking your relationship over it at this point.
Post # 13
I agree with pinkorblue:
do not punish this poor guy because you feel guilty.
You want to do right because you want to feel better but than your SO will feel like crap. Do you think that it’s fair just because you feel guilty. Like i said i totally get the whole being honest and starting fresh but i think you will do more bad than good!
Post # 14
Confessing to cheating (especially such a minor offense that happened so long ago) is only going to hurt your SO. Don’t fool yourself, coming clean is not about starting your engagement right or about doing what is right for your SO, it is just a way for you to cope with your guilt – by making it your SO’s problem, hurting him and your relationship in the process.
You may want to ask yourself why you are (possibly subconsciously) trying to sabotage your relationship. It is the only reasonable explanation why something that has not mattered for the past six years is suddenly popping up again.
Post # 15
Absolutely, without question, tell him. You need to tell him even more than he needs to hear it, because, if you do not, the guilt will not ever go away. This issue will continue to disturb and upset you, and your feelings regarding this will only continue to grow the harder you try to bury or ignore them. Tell him.