I cheated, and I am overridden with guilt, please help me

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

Tell him now, since the guilt will eat at you. This way you’re putting the choice in his hands. And hey, you made a mistake, take time to reflect on it and avoid jumping into a relationship. Date around if you want. But definitely remember how you feel now in the future if the situation ever presents itself again. 

Post # 47
Member
1533 posts
Bumble bee

I think a lot of people are being very harsh here, a 20 year old cheating on her boyfriend once does not need therapy. If it’s an ongoing problem then yes of course, but it was a one off and she feels extremely guilty about it. No one is saying cheating is okay, but she’s 20 years old, some of you might have been ready to settle down at 19 and have a mortgage and two kids, but you’re in the minority. Most 20 year olds are immature as hell and just out of their teens, your brain doesn’t even fully mature until you’re 25. She’s not even above the legal drinking age in the US. 

I also don’t think it’s a black and white as “if you love someone you won’t cheat”, relationships and humans are more complex than that. OP you made a mistake, and now you’re paying the price, it will be a harsh life lesson, the only thing to do here that’s right is tell him and let him decide if he wants to continue the relationship. What I do think is there was probably something missing in your relationship that led you to do this, either that or you’re just not ready to settle down yet, but not telling him isn’t fair on him and will not ease your guilt. Do the right thing and tell him and learn from this, people make mistakes and mistakes have consequences, that’s life unfortunately. 

Post # 48
Member
11339 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
sunburn :  

You and I are co-meanies.

You make some good points.  Being 20 generally leads to behaving like a 20 year old. This is not a life stage that lends itself well to declarations of fidelity. Our twenties are reserved for meeting lots of people and to start sorting out what qualities you ultimately want in a long term partner.

It’s supposed to be fun. 

Yes, some younguns find love early and remain happy. There are always exceptions. This is not an exact science.

OP cheated.  Completely wrong. And perhaps symptomatic as to why 20 might not be the ideal time to get too serious about anyone.

OP, file it under Lessons Learned the Hard Way.

Post # 49
Member
2834 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

You messed up. You messed up big time. And you’re making it worse by now lying. 

It’s bad enough to cheat, but to let 2 months go by and not tell your boyfriend makes it even worse. 

If you keep it a secret, you are living a lie and your poor boyfriend will have no idea and completely be in the dark. 

You need to tell him and let the chips fall where they may. If he wants to work on things, great. You can grow together. If he doesn’t, than that’s his choice. But you have to let him make the choice.

Post # 50
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee

You need to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. And you need to tell him what you did. If it comes out years from now, he will be just as devastated if not more so.

Regardless of your age, you knew what you were doing was wrong. Be an adult and own up to what you did.

Post # 51
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I would tell him. Having a secret from someone you love and care about will always cause overwhelming guilt. 

Post # 52
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ahhhhh these boards are so black and white. If only life were so easy. 

Post # 53
Member
318 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
justagirlnamedtalulah :  you are so young, and that’s not saying it as an insult. We all go through it at some point or another but simple fact is, when you are in GENUINE love,  even if you’re in a rough patch, the idea of being with someone else, having them touch you, just the thought, makes you sick. You can have REALLY strong feelings for a person. I’ve had many strong feelings for a lot of people and threw the word LOVE around a lot but now (at almost 30) love is way different than what I thought it was at 20. It’s real. It’s I would let you go if I needed to if I’m not the best for you type of love. You’re possessing him. You don’t want to be alone. You’re afraid to tell him because he will leave you aka you don’t want to be alone. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. A deterrent in your life so you can take a step back and re-evaluate who you are and usually those self-reflective times are meant to do ALONE. no one deserves to be cheated on and then lied to to continue a fake relationship. Your feelings are real (because you’re experiencing them) but it’s not LOVE.  And people that say it’s okay most likely have been in a situation similar but that doesn’t mean lying is RIGHT. Do what’s right. You know what that is. No one has to tell you. You can feel it. And it’s okay to be scared to be alone but it sounds like it’s exactly what you need. I’m sorry. That sucks. You’ll get through it though. Anything that doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger. 

Post # 54
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

The right thing to do would be to tell him.

 

These things tend to come out one way or another. Imagine if you had kids together, he found out and left you and took the kids. There are so many reasons to come clean even if it means that you could lose him.

 

You reap what you sow.

Post # 55
Member
9155 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Good Lord there’s some sanctimonious stuff going on. Yes of course cheating is wrong , but OP is just a kid  really who’s made a mistake. Maybe she  doesn’t  really love him  but she thought  she did,  and is feeling pretty damn guilty.

Clearly she knows him better than we do and if  she says  he’ll leave her if she tells, then I guess we believe that.   So OP,  it’s a clear choice ,tell him and take the consequences, or continue to lie and take the consequences of that. I’d go for the truth, partly  because  the latter is dishonest in itself, and partly  because it is a path fraught  with danger. 

It one of  those simple-but-hard things. (not ‘simplistic’  a word which is beginning be misused) 

 

Post # 56
Member
37 posts
Newbee

I definitely don’t agree with the idea that if you really loved your SO you’d never have cheated on him in the first place. We’re all human, and we make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes hurt people we love…it doesn’t negate that love. 

That said, I think you have to be honest with your SO about what happened. Healthy relationships require honesty, even when it’s painful. It isn’t fair to your SO for you to withhold the fact that you cheated because he deserves to be able to choose whether or not that’s something he can live with, and it isn’t fair for you to live in fear of your relationship ending over your mistake. Also, the longer you go without telling him the truth, the harder and more hurtful it will be if/when the truth does come out. 

I know it’s easier said than done, and I hope things work out for the best, but if you love your SO you absolutely need to own up to what you did and be honest about how sorry you are. 

Post # 57
Member
678 posts
Busy bee

Cheating can happen when you are in your 20’s,30’s 40’s etc… I will never say my husband will never cheat on me, nor will I never say I won’t ever cheat on my husband. Sure that’s the vows we make and Pray that is the way our relationships/marriages will be forever (Faithful to one another). But in all honesty is that the way it will be?  It’s like anything else in life we just don’t know the outcome of our future. Yes, some will have a faithful relationship/marriage. But some won’t,

Just like we all think when we say our vows that it will be until death do us part then,  in some cases it ends in divorce. None of us know our tomorrow. I’m not saying cheating is right. But no one is perfect and we all make big and small mistakes we regret.

But, I do believe in telling the truth to one another and just face it head on whatever the outcome may be to our regrets. 

OP The truth shall set you free.  You owe it to both of you. So, tell him, He might stay he might not. You just have to deal with the outcome. Good Luck.

Post # 58
Member
1617 posts
Bumble bee

You made a mistake and you’re feeling the repercussions of your actions weighing on your mind. Thing is, you can choose either route, but each one will have consequences.

If you don’t tell him, the guilt will most likely eat away at you slowly and painfully over time to the point that it could destroy your relationship- I know this because it’s already eating away at you. Eventually, if you keep this secret bottled up, you will feel so guilty and shitty that you won’t be able to look him in the eye and he will probably start to notice something is wrong. And it’s only a matter of time.

Or you could tell him now and risk him leaving. Either way, you’re going to end up paying the price. Make your choice and learn from this.

Post # 59
Member
597 posts
Busy bee

I agree w/ all the other bees here…you NEED to tell him he deserves to know! 

Post # 60
Member
443 posts
Helper bee

Daisy_Mae :  I have been dumped many times with no real given reason. I sat around whallowing in my tears then just as much then as I did when I found out someone cheated. Why would they cheat when everything seemed so right?

The crazy thing is, if someone REALLY wants to know why they were dumped with no given reason, it always comes out with little to no research as to why. Atleast for me it has. I call it an epiphany. Most the time I end up more angry and sad than I was before I found out. 

Then again… he might not be as happy as he seems in the first place.. and be glad to end it without reason. Because like I said… I have been in what seemed some of the happiest relationships with sudden “it is overs”…

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