Post # 16
If you already cheated and are getting a divorce no matter what, then he deserves the truth. I understand that he was being mean and what not, but still, cheating shouldn’t have been the way out. You should have talked and been honest before you cheated. But since it already happened i believe the best thing to do is be truthful. He deserves that and you don’t want to carry that on your shoulders.
Post # 17
I guess I should clarify- this guy I met and I never actually had sex. We have been very very close many times. We have done a few things, but have never gone as far as sex. We have pretty much done everything except have sex. I’ve literally seen him every day since we met.
Post # 18
notproud : If my husband told me he’d done everything but p in v I would still consider it cheating. Together every day is emotional cheating. Oral is sex. Not sure why you are trying to clarify? Does it really matter at this point?
You want out of your unhappy marriage–get out of your unhappy marriage. Take some time for yourself, without this guy, and figure out what you want for the rest of your life.
Post # 19
notproud : How long have you and your husband been together? I know you only got married a few months ago but how long did you date beforehand? Did you never try to talk to him about the horrible way he treats you until AFTER you started your affair?
Also, whether you’ve had sex or not with this guy is beside the point. You’re having a full blown affair. Are you STILL seeing this guy? That’s what it sounds like from your last update.
Post # 20
notproud : So oral sex? manual sex? Again you are trying to justify this. Sex isn’t just intercourse.
Post # 21
Good people make bad decisions. It’s trite, but it’s true. Everyone here has done something at some point that they were ashamed of, or wish they could take back.
You need to move ahead with the divorce proceedings. I disagree that he needs to know you cheated: what difference will it make? If he’s already going to be hurt you want to leave, why push the knife in further?
I would also advise you to look into some kind of therapy. I don’t think “once a cheater=always a cheater”, but I DO think it would be important to really look at this and understand why you a) married someone “just because it was easier”, b) why you couldn’t walk away when he was mistreating but instead chose so c) sabotage your chance at fixing things by cheating.
Post # 22
There’s no point of staying together after things have gone south. Go on and get a divorce.
Post # 23
jellybellynelly : I was just clarifying because a bee mentioned us having sex. I know I cheated. Im not justifying it what so ever
we had only dated for a year before we got engaged. He started being verbally abusive after we got married.
Post # 24
notproud : Okay so it sounds like you have a habit of rushing into things. You rushed into an engagement, rushed into a marriage, and are now rushing into a divorce. I’m not saying you shouldn’t divorce, but you need to look at this pattern of behavior and look for ways to change/fix it going forward so you don’t make the same mistakes.
Post # 25
llevinso : Totally agree!
Post # 26
notproud : There is nothing to be gained by telling your husband you cheated. His verbally abusive behavior is grounds for divorce in my opinion and sharing your mistake would only serve to make this process more painful for him which seems unnecessary and cruel.
Good luck with your divorce and let this be a learning experience. Otherwise good people make horrible decisions sometimes so don’t let the cheating define you. Therapy to work thru this would probably be the best investment you could make right now.
Post # 27
litttlemisslamb : I tend to agree with this poster. I’m concerned that telling him of your affair might escalate to him trying to physically hurt you. Calling your wife a “piece of shit” is a very clear sign of uncontrollable anger/emotion. Perhaps you can make plans with a loved one to move out when you know he will be away. Then send him divorce papers, and if he escalates and refuses to sign, perhaps then would be the right time to tell him of your affair?
Post # 28
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Could’ve wrote this myself.
No judgement – just GTFO. File for divorce. And move on with your life. 100% he doesn’t deserve to be with a cheater, and 100% you deserve to be with someone that makes cheating seem impossible. Go find your happy, honey.
FWIW – I don’t think you have to tell him about the cheating. You’re unhappy and he’s verbally abusive, that’s reason enough to leave. Divorce sucks as it is, don’t put your foot in your mouth on the way out the door.
Post # 29
notproud : I too cheated on my husband and got divorced. In my case, I fell in love with the other man and we are now together. It was terribly difficult to hurt my husband as badly as I did, and I will never be able to forgive myself for it. But we are both better off apart. He seems to be happy and has a new girlfriend, and I am happier with someone who is a better and easier fit for me.
Get the divorce. You both deserve that. And do tell him the truth about your cheating. It will help him realize how bad your marriage is, so he will be less likely to blame himself. He deserves to have that knowledge. That’s my opinion, having gone through it myself.
Also, I couldn’t tell if you’re still seeing the other guy, but it seemed like it. Just don’t put all your eggs in one basket there. A real-life relationship is much different than the unicorns and rainbows and fireworks of an illicit affair, and chances are, this one won’t last. Be prepared to be on your own and address your issues head-on, rather than distracting yourself in your next relationship. Therapy has helped me a lot and I would highly recommend it.
Post # 30
If cheating on your husband’s doesn’t make you a bad person, what does?