Post # 46
jannigirl : No one said that. Of course it’s not perfectly fine. Of course no one wants to be cheated on. I personally think it’s shitty to tell someone that they’re a bad person based on one action. I’m sure throughout the course of your life you’ve made mistakes. They don’t define you and your entire character shouldn’t be dismissed as bad because of them.
Post # 47
jannigirl : Never said I would be ok with it. So don’t know where that came from…you are clearly making stuff up now.
I would be angry and hurt. It would take a lot of time to heal and I am not sure if I would ever truly forgive him. But I also know my husband and who is as a person. Having been with him for 14 years, I know his character and what a good person he is. Him cheating would upset me and likely lead to divorce (although, I can’t be certain, couples do work through infidelity and I have never been there before, so I can’t say for sure).
But no, I would not permanently classify him as a “bad person,” soley based on cheating. I can say that confidently.
Now, if I found out he was a serial killer, repeat abuser, bank robber or something really extreme, then maybe, I would put him in that category. But we aren’t talking about that.
Also, OP has committed emotional infidelity. It’s not right and its not fair. But it is not some heinous crime either. Stop trying to put this on the same level. There is a spectrum of behavior and types of people. Mature adults can usually differentiate and understand that.
Post # 48
“I am sorry OP but you are being a total cliche. You don’t want to make excuses for cheating but then make excuses. And haven’t we all heard a cheater try to blame their partner? Cries of “my partner is mean to me that’s why I did it” is the oldest excuse in the book.”
Explanations and context are not necessarily excuses. She has the right to fill in and explain her story. Not referring to the OP who wrote the above, but people who subscribe to black-and-white and overly judgmental thinking are usually the ones who are the most intolerant in their lives. That kind of makes them shitty people.
Post # 49
Call me crazy, but I think someone can do a bad thing, and yet not be labeled a bad/shitty person for the rest of their lives and be shunned forever. That’s not excusing OP’s behavior or affair in any way. But people are not simply black and white.
ETA: Also, it doesn’t look like this OP is coming back here anyway. So all this name calling is pretty pointless.
Post # 50
I find it odd that people think that if you kicked a dog once that you’re a terrible person, but cheating on your spouse every day is just a “poor decision”. Those people need pets not spouses, I guess.
Post # 51
jannigirl : You are still missing the point. I don’t condone animal abuse, but there is a difference between someone who kicks a dog a few times (still wrong) and someone who repeatedly preys on a helpless animal. Give it up already…
Also, the OP said her Darling Husband is verbally abusive…not saying it makes it right to cheat on him by any means…but he is very different than a helpless animal. So missing the mark with your comparisons.
Post # 52
annonbee857 : you’re making a bizarre point, kicking a dog ‘a few times’ is totally animal abuse. Who the hell kicks a dog and why would it be different from animal abuse?
Being a bad person is subjective, you can’t tell people they aren’t allowed to see OP as a bad person.
You don’t think it’s a that bad, other people do.
Post # 53
You’ve been clear. You married a man you did not love. You still don’t love him. You want out of this marriage. You have stated clearly you want out. Stop the self-flagellation and regrets. Stop asking for judgment on your actions…you are just doing it to torture yourself because you feel badly. You made mistakes. Learn. It is time to make a plan to protect yourself/your assets and get out of the marriage. Plain and simple.
Here is my unemotional advise. Consult with a divorce attorney right away. Do not tell your husband you want a divorce, you cheated or leave your shared home (if it is owned vs. rented) until told otherwise by your attorney. Do not change where you deposit money or withdraw atypical funds from joint accounts until told to do so by the attorney.
Get ready for the divorce….Start gathering records of your financial papers/assets. Change your will and medical directives to identify an alternative person in charge (mom? dad? sibling?). Open a PO Box for mail for your ‘new’ life and associated with the divorce. Open a new checking and savings account in your name only at a different bank that that used by your husband; consider if you need a safe deposit box for store the records and such you are gathering. Open new credit cards in your own name. Inventory all personal property; keep track of what you owned before you got married as that is usually yours to keep. E-devices: Add a new/difficult password to your phone/email and the like. Something he won’t guess. Do not store your passwords in browsers or on your phone so they load ‘more quickly’. Clear the cashe and history from browsers on your phone and home computer right now. Clear all your passwords from browsers right now. Get some techie advise about other ways to secure your phone.
Delete this thread if you have any inkling that he may find it.
Post # 54
sounds like this guy is a crutch to help you leave. you wouldn’t be the first. some people do worse things to make it easier to get out of a relationship, but this still isn’t great.
it’s sad you couldn’t do it a better way, but either way it sounds like you will eventually be happier not married to your husband.
Post # 55
whnlz : I was making a comparison because the other PP tried to compare. Of course it’s still abuse, buys it’s a continuum and there is a difference between someone who kicks a dog a few times and who maliciously continues to abuse an animal. Both are awful but one is worse. It’s not even a comparison I would use off hand, but the PP used it, so I continued it.