- 5 years ago
- Wedding: January 2013
OK so heres the story, this is going to be long so I apologize in advance. Also, Im a regular Bee undercover.
This August my Husband will have been together for 6 years! We recently got married in a beautiful setting this past January so we’re about 6 months in. I know they say that the first year of marriage is hard but I sure dont think this is what theyre talking about.
I Guess from the title of my post you know what i’m reffering too… I cheated. I kissed another guys on a girls trip this weekend. He briefly felt me up and I took his shirt off but my clothes were 100% on… thats not where they wanted to stay though. My friend was there to haul me back to my hotel but part of me was pissed at her that she didnt just mind her own business… I do still love her reguardless.
A little background on my husband and me… I think I’m holding a shit ton of resentlment towards him from the last 5.5 years and our mundane sex life just isnt helping any.
First of all… we met at work. When the boss found out about us, one of us had to transfer. That would be me… I took a huge pay cut but at the time he treated me so well that It was totally worth it so we could stay together. Then a few months later… I was transferred out again because of disagreements with my manager (he was absolutly horrid) and again… i took another huge pay cut. it got to a point where I was defaulting on my car payments and i requested to me moved (yet again) to another location and now finally after 5 years i can say i’m in a better place.
Second and this is one of the most important… His dad is a total jackass! He is lazy, abusive, intrusive, does drugs, no respect, and hes very intimidating. His dad has ruined many exciting points in our lives; Buying our first condo together, moving into it, getting engaged, our local wedding, and our destination wedding. These are just a few of this things hes ruined… not to mention his assult towards me. My husband knew I wasnt going tomake him choose me, but i did in fact just want him to make a decision… ANY DECISION AT ALL! but no… he kept promising and promising me things and never followed through. ps… This man was forced to live with us because all of his livelyhood came from us… we put food on his plate, a roof over his head a clean clothes on his back. he was like our child. At one point it got so bad that he was yelling at me throwing stuff at me and my husband knew (at the time we werent even engaged) that if he didnt remove his dad from our living situation at that very moment then I would leave. So he did… 2 years after we moved into our condo in which his dad wasnt even sposed to come with us. Theres totally WAY more that I could go on and on about shit his dad has done like threatening to kill my husbands half sister, slashing tires etc. but this is already long.
third… is our sex life. i wouldnt say its horribe… just uneventful. We have sex… it usualy only last about 3-5 minutes after insertion; he climaxes and then leaves me there to clean up the mess. Theres no foreplay and on the rarest of occasions when there is it seems so awkward and forced and as if hes not into it (so how am i sposed to be into it!?). When i’m changing he leers at me instead of glances at me (makes me feel dirty and not in a good way… and i mean he like starts creepily at my vagina) and when he touches me he gropes me instead of caress me or firmly and sexily grab me, if you know what i mean.
He doesnt listen and he admited it the other day… he cleans to much, heaven forbid right? Only problem is that he will clean the same thing every single night leaving me behind when we should be spending time together. he jokes about everything and it irritates the crap outta me. I’ve tried to talk to him about ALL of this but nothing seemed to change.
The Good things about our relationship is that when i had to transfer locations for work, he ws super supportive and helped me with my finances. He eventually got his dad out of our house and somewhat out of our lives. he makes sure i have a roof over my head, food on my plate and all the material things i want (although thats not really important to me at all… its just a plus). He does love me unconditionally and we have too cats that he treats like our own children so i know that he will be a good father one day. We have been trying to have a baby since the wedding, but i pulled the plug on that about a month ago.
I came clean to him about the cheating… I was breaking down and i came clean. the problem i’m having is that I dont know what i want more. Im desiring his touch and me touching his body and all i can wonder is what sex would have been like with him. and for the record… i wasnt out looking for a new relationship but just that raw passion. Hubby is willing to make all these changes and even 100% cut his dad out of our lives but i dont want to make him do that. one of our mutual friends tells me that he is a grown man and hes able to make his own decisions but i’m honeslty not sure how ill feel about knowing i made him do that. I keep thinking about this guy… i have his number and he has mine… we’ve texted but he doesnt seem interested so i’m trying to put it in my mind that hes a jerk. lol. He also lives 3 hours away so that makes it way easier to not go to him.
Once i told my husband he obviously had questions but prettymuch forgave me right away. looking back (which was only like 3 days ago) I’m not sure if i was 100% relieved… I feel like part of me wanted him to be mad an part of me was relieved that he wants to work this out. I did have to tell him that if we try to work it out and make or lives better and things dont change that it may potentially happen again. I DO love him, i respect him (which is why i told him right away)… I want our marriage to work and i want to have a hot sex life but i feel like know that i have had a small taste of something that was so new and exciting and i felt hot and sexy that now i want more. its so hard to get these thoughts out of my head now.
He booked a therapy session for next week and bought me flowers last night (although i have to be honest that i felt like the flowers were ONLY because our relation is rocky because in the almost 6 years we’ve been together… hes only bought me flowers about 4 times and one of those times was during his proposal). Since being back at home with him, i feel unmotivated to shower, to get out of the house, my heart races and i feel sad.
People please help me make my marriage work.