(Closed) I Cheated! Please Help! *Long*

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@callmejane2013:  wow it sounds like he’s not taking you seriously! If you guys dont have kids i would definitely suggest a break because you two are not placing much value in each other or your relationship. Some one has to give a fuck if you know what i mean and its pretty clear that he doesn’t care if you have been honest with him before. 

Post # 18
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@callmejane2013:  I have nothing positive to say so I won’t comment EXCEPT to say please don’t have a baby that certainly won’t fix anything. 

Post # 19
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@callmejane2013:  You might want to seek a relationship counselor, but from reading (most) of your post, you have already written off the marriage in your mind.  It doesn’t really even sound like you’re regretting cheating.  You seem more upset that your friend stopped you from going further with the other guy.  Whether it’s your SO’s fault or not for the resentment you feel, it doesn’t give you a right to hold it over his head and it doesn’t justify you cheating.  There’s only one way to look at this: are you happier with your SO or without?  Don’t even think about another relationhip…the next could be better or it could be worse…you never know.  But just think if you are better with or without him and make your choice.

Post # 20
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@callmejane2013:  If you want your marriage to work, then you have to be 100% invested in making those changes, and working on it.  For you, I hope your husband does not one day resent the changes he is willing to make because of one night out with your girlfriends.

Although your concerns regarding your marriage are REAL, and need to be communicated, they seemed to have been there when you said “I do”.  If you carried resentment from the past, or for his family, or whatever into the marriage, then I feel that is your burden to effectively communicate to your husband, and then let yourself ‘forgive’ them as well.

There will always be temptation out there.  I think a lot of us would be fooling ourselves if we said we never looked at someone else and wondered ‘what if?’, or wondered if he is exceptionally passionate in bed.  The difference is having the committment and will power to stop those desires.  I worry that since you cheated, you needed to find deep rooted excuses to ‘forgive’ the cheating, rather than communicating issues you may are having in your marriage before it got to that point.

OP, I do not mean to sound mean or harsh.  Please know that I hope this all works out for you. 

Post # 21
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

For starters, stop fooling around with other men. There is NO reason you should still be in contact with this other guy.

I’m sickened. I have nothing nice/constructive to say so I’ll stop there.

Post # 22
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@callmejane2013:  If you want your marriage to work I suggest marriage counselling AND seeing a sex therapist.  This will only work if both of you are committed to doing the work and putting in the time and effort to make this work.  Good luck.

Post # 23
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

It doesnt sound like you married your dream guy. Why did you marry him then? 6 years together is a longggg time, I guess sex just isnt bad recently. If you knew your sex life was bad, again, why did you marry him?

I dont judge you. I know some people cheat even they married their dream spouses. Not in your case. Divorce him already since you dont seem to love him. 

Post # 24
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

It sounds like you’ve already made the decision in your head. You don’t want to be with him, you’re not excited at the prospect of a future with him and you’re just staying out of comfort and because he’s a “good guy”. That’s not enough of a reason to be with someone. 

Post # 25
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@beemo:  

@lightmist:  

A total threadjack, but I’m pretty excited that we had 3 Adventure Time profile pictures in a row in this thread.

Post # 26
Member
2250 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@callmejane2013:  You are obviously in a crappy place in your relationship, but it sounds like you were in a crappy place long before you married him, so why did you?? Justifying cheating by listing all of the bad things that are going on in your marriage is a cop-out (my opinion, take it for what it is). There is nothing that anyone here can say that will make your marriage work… that’s on you, and your husband. Perhaps you should go and talk to him. Good luck.

 

Post # 27
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

It goes without saying, nearly, that the cheating was a culmination of a lot of long-standing issues. OP, ignore those who are only going to tear you down in this thread – I think many folks here have been there, have been tempted to get there, or have wondered what it would be like to have the same. Let’s face it – keeping a relationship going for the long haul is difficult work, and it’s not uncommon for one or both partners to start lacking, one partner to care less, etc. An affair can be enticing – it’s like being back in those dating days before you and your partner had to worry about paying joint bills or working or handling chores together. It’s all the fun without  a lot of the problems you typically see in domestic life.

 

You’ve had to cajole your husband every step of the way. Even when you cheat, I find it suspicious that he reacted so calmly. Is he also feeling lukewarm – is he also possibly having an affair? Even if he says he’s forgiven you, give it time…this is something that can take a long, long while to get over. It’s a positive step that you’re moving toward therapy, but I do worry that now that you’ve had a taste of cheating, you’re going to choose this as your method of keeping him in line (“If you continue to slack, it could happen again”). That’s a dangerous ball game you’re playing, and it’s a game that’s not fair to you nor your husband.

Try to put off any contact with this guy for a few days. After that, stretch it out a little longer. Give therapy a shot.

It’s natural that you’re craving attention. Even with a guy who knows how to “work it,” so to speak, it can become bland, boring and routine after a while. A new partner can remind us that we’re attractive even to a wider audience outside of our marriage. You’ve been neglected for a long time, OP.

I can’t say if your marriage is worth saving or even if therapy will be successful – that’s something this professional can help you work out. In the meantime, try to take care of yourself, give your husband time to grieve if and when he needs to, and avoid any threats of, “I’m going to do it again!”

Your marriage may never again be the same, but if it continues, there is a possibility that it could be better.

Post # 28
Member
11268 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@callmejane2013:  People please help me make my marriage work.  the only person who can do that is you.  quite honestly, i think you need to decide if you really want to be in this marriage.  i don’t care how long you’ve spent with him or the sacrifices you have made to be together, you need to figure out what you really want in life and for your future. 

you say that the negatives are outweighing the positives.  that’s a red flag.  let’s be honest, people don’t change and you shouldn’t ask them to.  i think you should think about those negatives and really think of how you will feel 1 year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now, still dealing with those same negatives.  are you willing to accept them?  if not, you have your decision.

Post # 29
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Genuinely I can’t say if the relationship can be saved, or even should be saved. All I can say is that you can’t use someone’s complicated relationship with his father or lousy skills as a lover as an excuse to or justification for cheating. You have to separate these issues in your head, and actually take ownership of the fact that you crossed a line. It really doesn’t matter if you took a pay cut to be with this man, or if you resent that you might have taken a step back in your career, and the way you follow up your story of cheating with a laundry list of completely unrelated issues is completely unhealthy.

Own your misdeed, don’t pin it on a handsome stranger or a less-than-ideal husband.  Make no further contact with this other man. Leave that behind you. Then focus on the other issues in your marriage. Honestly if you look hard enough in any relationship you can find faults with your partner; only you can decide if you can accept your partner in spite of those faults, and only your partner can decide which of those faults (if any) are actually changeable. Those answers will shape whether or not you can save the marriage.

 

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