(Closed) I cheated.

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 18
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think it is amazing that you guys went the “heal and get stronger” route than the “its over” route. I thin kthat definitely says something about your marriage. 🙂 Good luck with the counseling, and your future,  sounds like things are getting on the rigt track.

Post # 19
Member
756 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I cheated on my former boyfriend (of 2.5 years, long-distance most of the time) with the man who is now my fiancee (4 years together).  I won’t get into the long backstory, but I did it because my then-BF had refused to let me break up with him, cried, begged, etc., and was becoming clingy and obsessive (calling me 20 times in a row when I had already told him I was going to the movies and wouldn’t be answering my phone…).  I was in love with someone else, and I knew that if I cheated, then-BF would walk away.

I regret that I hurt my ex, as I know it was unnecessary and I could have found a better way of ending things (but previous attempts at breaking up had not gone well). Overall, I don’t regret it because it allowed me to begin a relationship that is 100 times better.  I feared losing mutual friends/losing family’s respect over it, but everyone was supportive of my decision. 

I know that I wouldn’t do it again. I don’t foresee ever being tempted to cheat on my FH, whom I love more than life.  But if I were, I would not do it.  My FH has somewhat low self-esteem in general, and I could never do anything that would make him feel worse about himself.

I admire you and your husband for working on your relationship and wish you the best in getting past this!

Post # 20
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2006

First of all I want to congratulate you on being honest with your partner regarding your cheating and taking the steps to work out not only the “cheating” feelings but also the feelings that lead you down that path. 

To answer your original question, yes I have known several couples who have survived cheating to have long marriages.  One couple decided to have an “open marriage” because the husband initially is the one who strayed.  That came back to bite him in the butt as his wife ended up being a very stunning looking woman the older that she got and she was the the one that ended up with many additional partners (he did not find that to be the case once he was out of his 20’s).  However they both cared deeply for one another, seemed to have a healthy partnership and were very open about their “open” relationship. I only write this in the past tense now because the wife passed on earlier this year after having cancer for several years.

Another couple that I know things are still very rocky.  Both partners have strayed in the last couple of years, with the husband moving out on several occasions.  At this point they reside together, but he maintains an additional smaller home where he goes each time she throws him out of the house!  Since admitting to his “indescretion”  he has lavished her with vacations and expensive gifts, but she is still all over FB about how broken-hearted she is and continues to punish him in a myriad of ways.  The wife in this instance refuses to go to counseling and also spends a lot of time out at bars and clubs with a variety of “friends”, many of whom are open swingers.  Both are miserable and apparently have been for at least the last 10 years.  They almost never spend time together, even to go out to dinner. Personally I think they are delaying the inevitable when they are both still young enough (40’s/early 50’s) to find other people with whom they can be happy.

My point being that from this moment things can go either way, but I think it is that way with all marriages.

 

 

Post # 21
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think each relationship is different and each conflict within the relationship has to be resolved how those members truly feel is a good resolution.  I’ve been with my fiance for 3 1/2 years now and I’ve never cheated, never thought of cheating. I trust my fiance the same, that he would never cheat and has never thought of cheating.  for us, we have found that open conversation helps us stay close and understand when the other is feeling lost, hurt, etc.

Post # 22
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

@feelinglost: I’ve never cheated but usually when a woman cheats it’s when her emotions aren’t met. I give you guys credit for trying but cracks in the foundation of trust are definetly tricky! Hopefully he loves you enough to forgive you. Good luck!

Post # 23
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’ve never cheated on Darling Husband or even come close and I totally avoid any situation where there might be temptation or even any kind of inappropriateness. 

But I have cheated on boyfriends in the past. In my defense, it wasn’t ever an ‘affair’ type of cheating, both times it was at the true end of the relationship and I was looking for a way out, but I know that doesn’t make it okay. I know I had emotional issues and I dealt with them completely the wrong way. And honestly I never thought I had done anything wrong until I got together with Darling Husband who really taught me to be a better person.

So like I said, I actively avoid any situation where there mgiht be temptation. Even if I just think it sounds inappropriate, I will avoid it. I know that Darling Husband will leave me if anything happens. No questions asked, he will just leave and never look back. I know I don’t deal with all my issues the right way still, but I will never do this to my husband.

Post # 24
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

My Boyfriend or Best Friend cheated on me, physically and emotioanl (look up emotional affairs if you’ve never heard of it).  We started dating young, and have had a lot of bad things crop up, no excuse, but I can see how that made it easier for him to do what he did.  He took a long time to come clean, and it was only when we were facing another similar issue that I was brave enough to call BS.  I got a lot of help from another website specifically for those who have been cheated on as well as those who did the cheating.  Our relationship has been anyhting but traditional, but I made it clear that if it ever happens again, I’m gone – end of story.  So far, he’s kept his word, even though we’re still not married.  If you want to check it out, go here and look ovr the posts or the Healing Library.  I was not in good shape during that very rough time about 3 years ago, and without help from that site I may have done something irreversible.  It’s part of why I feel so good about finding THIS site, to discuss issues I didn’t even know other women are facing, too, women (and men) who are more objective than any friends or family could be.  The internet is great 🙂

Post # 25
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

hubs and I were both cheated on in our past relationships (the only other serious one but ours for each of us). It was interesting the way that we both recooperated though.  I actually was willing to stay with my ex, but like many, it was his way to get out of our relationship.  I was heart broken for about 2 months (we were together for 3 years) but then got over it.  Hubs was cheated on throughout almost their whole relationship (they were together for over 4 years) and at first said that it didn’t bother him and he didn’t care. But then, as I started to be fine with my break up, he started to emotionally check out (we were best friends at the time, and things were really rocky for our first year together.  what am I saying, it was pure hell!) Then the ex and her bf (the guy she cheated on him the longest with) were having problems so she ran back to him.  I told him that was it, if he even thought about getting back with her I was done. And I left.  A few days later, he begged me to come to his house to talk, and we talked things through. He didn’t have feelings for her anymore, and was able to finally tell her all the things he hadn’t had a chance to, and that he never wanted to see her again.  We were together for 5 yeras before we got married, and throughout that time, we both talked about anything and everything that could cause us to possibly break up.  Cheating is an automatic deal breaker for us – we have both been through it and I honestly don’t know that we could weather the pain and betrayal yet again.  But, divorce also isn’t an option.  So, not sure what would happen if one of us decide to cheat….but I honestly believe 110% that it would never happen, because of our past experiences.

Sorry to ramble….I’m glad that you guys were able to work it out!

Post # 26
Member
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I’ve been cheated on.  and it’s the worst feeling in the world. when a boyfriend cheated on me, i cheated on him back, and it was the absolute worse decision to make, i just broke it off. i’m glad it worked out for you and your Darling Husband, but if Darling Husband ever cheated on me, i would have to end the marriage, no way around it.  we both agreed when we got married that cheating is one thing neither of us will tolerate. 

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