(Closed) I cheated…kinda, please help

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It sounds like he was emotionally cheating on you before you did anything.  Which prompted you to engage in a sort of emotional cheating (and beyond), too.  Obviously, both of you did something wrong.

Why would you want to stay with someone who has made it extremely clear that he does not care about your feelings at all?  And, knowing that you check his phone, he does not even care enough to delete his messages to hide them from you.  Don’t get me wrong – it’s not in any way “noble” to cover up an affair or whatever you want to call his flirting.  But he didn’t admit it to you or cover it up.  He just didn’t care one way or another if you found out and got hurt.

If you enjoy going out, flirting, and having fun, then do it.  But break up with ths guy.  I’m pretty sure you can’t make people change.  And, by his actions, he has demonstrated that doing pretty much anything else is more important and more entertaining than spending time with you.  Not that it isn’t okay to have some alone time, or friend time, or video game or texting time, but at some point, he should probably want to hang out with you, too.

Sorry if this sounds callous.  It really isn’t.  If I was in the same situation, it would break my heart.  But, everyone deserves to be with someone that wants to be with them and that treats them like they are worthwhile.  You included.

Post # 33
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Please do not go through with the wedding.  This relationship is damaged and it cannot be fixed. You both have trust issues.  You don’t deserve to be punished. He doesn’t deserve to have you play mind games on him (even if your relationship with other guys was/will never be physical). Not marrying him now may hurt but getting a divorce will hurt more. Save yourselves both the headache and get out of this relationship.  You deserve to be loved.  He deserves to be w/ whomever he wants….but not make you wait in the wings.  I am sorry this is going on but the objective way is to end these mind games and go on with your lives as healthy individuals – apart from each other.

Post # 34
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I haven’t read the responses…it sounds like you guys aren’t ready for marriage, either to each other or to anyone.  Cancel the wedding or at least postpone indefinitely, decide if you want to dedicate yourselves to this relationship 100%, then go to counseling. I hear ya, it’s tough …GL

Post # 35
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Okay.. I am sorry to be the first person to suggest this, but this relationship has me very worried and therefore very worried about YOU and the idea that you might still go through with this.

Are you sure he isn’t cheating?

I know it seems *incomprehensible* but from reading your story about all the texts, all the time on the phone, the SEVERE drop off in sex, I don’t think it’s out of the question. Usually men who are being unfaithful will then have complete over-reactions to something that is “borderline” like you sending a text because it takes the attention off their bad behavior and makes you feel guilty, like you need to be a better girlfriend, etc etc. I really think counseling is a good way to go and be sure you have all the facts before getting any further into this.

 

A relationship should not be about you two hurting each other and you can do much better than this if he is not treating you right or making you feel special. If this relationship can get back to that point, great, but it will take a LOT of work. Good luck.

Post # 36
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Premarital counseling….you guys need to learn to communicate again.

Also, get a game called “The Ungame:Couples”

Your relationship can work…you guys just have to work on it.

Post # 37
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It has been said a dozen times here already, but you need to seek professional help ASAP if you really want to work this out, and i hope you do!!

Post # 38
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Not to be blunt, but don’t do it. Don’t ruin your young life getting married to this dude.

You want to be married, you’ve been settling into the idea for a while now, and I know it’s hard to shift out of that, but you need to.

Marrying your teen-years sweetheart works for some, but not many, and I believe you fall into the latter category.

 

No relationship built to last has this kind of childish back and forth. It seems like he began this texting nonsense because he wasn’t truly happy, and you began to “get back at him”, which is really not healthy. Or a normal thing to do to someone you love.

 

Cut your losses before it’s too late.

Post # 40
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee

What about his behavior though…. it seems like he’s been treating you bad for awhile, even before you did anything.

Post # 41
Member
520 posts
Busy bee

As the other posters said, you and your fiancee need counseling.  Fault and blame lie with both of you, not just one.   Hopefully through counseling you can both work thru your joint issues.  Best of luck to you and hope everything works out for he best.  Hugz, Maggie

Post # 42
Member
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

He sounds like he has a ton of resentment & he’s staying with you to punish you almost. From what you’ve said, it sounds like he doesn’t treat you very well. Why would you want to continue to be in a relationship with him? Because you feel guilty for cheating on him?? Guilt is not a reason to stay with someone. You were obviously looking for a way out when you started talking/texting with these guys because your Fiance wasn’t treating you properly.

I know its hard, but I think you need to stay apart. If this is happening before marriage, it’s only going to get harder afterwards. 🙁 (HUGS)

Post # 43
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

i get that you want to marry him because you love him, but successful marriages and relationships require a lot more than just love.

Post # 44
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I already posted – but am going to briefly aain bc i saw what you reposted. 

I find on here girls often post their situations and issues – then realize as comments come in they don’t want advice at all. Now, I’m totally not saying you don’t, but realize that there’s a reason you asked – something in you wanted help. We can all give you our opinions, and every one of these girls that’s shared seems to know what they’re talking about – but I DO think you need counseling. Love him? Want to marry him? Awesome. But work at it. And get the help you both need to make it healthy.

Post # 45
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I can’t see how you want to marry him when he treats you like crap. He is not acting like he loves you. And you are not acting like you love him. REGARDLESS of who did what and why, what the motivations were.

I realize I don’t know the whole story based on what you’ve posted, but i think in a few years, you’ll realize you both prematurely made the decision to stay together and you’ll likely regret it. This is the sort of stuff that makes you go “WHY did i do that?! why was i so blind?!” when you mature up a bit (sometimes life has to hit you upside the head first). It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Some of your comments come across….idealistic to me? If this is your dream come true relationship, honey, you need to wake up. He is treating you worse than I can ever imagine putting up with. Don’t aim so low! Don’t ruin your life. If you want to marry him, WAIT until things feel right. If you aren’t happy being in a relationship with him (nothing you posted about says “I”M HAPPY’ to me), you won’t be happy married to him.

Post # 46
Member
5920 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m sorry but if you truly loved and wanted to marry him you wouldn’t have done what you did, and vice versa. People who are in love and want to get married don’t do that. Ever.

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