(Closed) I co parent with ex, FI's family doesn't approve (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: If you've read the whole story, am I
    Fi's family is right-you're stupid for working visits out with ex : (18 votes)
    24 %
    FI is right-- you are a strong person for working visits out with ex : (57 votes)
    76 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    242 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Boundaries.  You definitely need them with you in laws.  This is not their concern.  Your Fiance needs to tell them to butt out.  You are doing what is right for your child.  So many children have fathers who don’t want them.  At least his father is trying and wanting to see him.  It is absolutely not your in laws place to tell you what to do concerning your son.  You sound like a very good and level headed mother.  You don’t need them to make these calls for you and the fact that they try is so rude.

    Post # 4
    Member
    672 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    This is a tricky situation. I am a big believer in second chances and I do not support taking a child away from his or her father unless absolutely necessary. It seems to me, based off what you’ve given, that you are doing everything you can to make sure your child is safe and happy but also giving him a chance to develop a bond with his father. I think there are very few people who are truly evil. Due to one thing or another certain people make bad choices that lead them to do bad things. Your ex has serious physical and psychological trauma in his life. Does that justify what he did to you? No, of course it doesn’t. But it makes it easier to “understand” (for lack of a better word) why he did the things he did.

    I think your FI’s family is only concerned for your well being, the well being of their son, and the well being of your son but at the end of the day this is a decision that is to be made and supported by your and your Fiance, You need to create boundaries with them and this would be a good start.

    I think it takes a strong person to recognize the faults in others but not punish them for life for their mistakes. By allowing him to see his son you may doing a world of good for your ex. It may be the encouragement he needs to continue making good, healthy choices in regards to his life and his son’s life.

    Post # 5
    Member
    5993 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    i think you are an amazing person and i applaude your attempts to keep a relationship between your son and his bio dad. 

    i can understand where your FI’s family is coming from because their loyalty is to him and they see what an amazing man your Fiance is so they most probably feel you shouldnt need any other male figure in your sons life but this isnt about them, its about you and your son so you need to put up the boundries and let them know this isnt up for discussion.  be strong and wishing you the very best

    Post # 6
    Member
    1269 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I voted stupid, but I voted it because your child is in danger around that man, and even supervised visits, done by social workers, can go wrong. A man just grabbed his kids, locked the social worker outside, shot his sons in the head, set his house on fire and killed himself a couple months ago.

     

    The man is dangerous and sometimes protecting the child is more important than hurting the child’s feelings about seeing his father.

     

    I do agree that your FI’s family needs to butt further out of it than I do, cause at least you asked my opinion. LOL

    But they don’t have any business being that much up in your business. They are not a jury and you are not on trial. What you want for your child is admirable. I would say it’s courageous and brave and all that, except this father sounds sick and I don’t want your need to make sure they have a father or know their father put them in danger.

    If you’re sure the son is not in danger, and your Fiance supports you, then his family needs to cease conversation about it. Your Fiance also needs to not talk to his family about it any further, so the conversation about it will die down.

    When they bring it up to you, say Fiance and I are in agreement and we’re handling things, thanks for asking. say, everything’s fine. Thanks for asking.

    But that’s the key. If you and Fiance agree, then make the conversation coming from his family die out.

    Post # 7
    Member
    389 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I haven’t voted yet, because I have a question. So your ex is still not on medication or any other thing that might help him (therapy, for example)? The way I read it, it doesn’t sound like that..

    I understand that children have to get a chance to bond with their parents, but wanting to take care of your son while not wanting to get better yourself is just selfish in my opinion. It takes work to have a healthy relationship with your child, and it starts with wanting to be the best/healthiest parent you can be. If serious things like these are not worked on, it can actually be the opposite of beneficial for the child to have a relationship with this parent, no matter how good the intention or how big the precautions. 

    I do agree that your FIs family needs to back off a little. This is none of their business, and if you don’t ask for their opinion, they don’t need to tell you repeatedly. In that case, I suggest your Fiance talking to them and assuring them that you believe you made the best choice for your son and please not continue to question your judgement. Good luck!

    Post # 9
    Member
    368 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    First of all I want to say that I really admire you! For all you’ve been through, you seem to still be such a caring and generous person. It can be really hard for divorced parents to put their children first (I speak from personal experience) and the fact that your divorce wasn’t just ‘run of the mill’ so to speak, but due to something more tramatic, and that you STILL put your son first… that’s truly admirable.

    Regardless of what we all think of your situation (though I voted I think you’re doing the right thing; giving your ex and son a chance to have a relationship in a smart, measured way), boundries have to be set. It is not up to anyone but you and Fiance how you manage your family. His family has said their peace; now they need to respect your choices and leave you be. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    2239 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    You are being very strong about this whole situation.  Your FI’s family needs to butt out — it’s none of their business.  You have to do what’s right for your son.

    Post # 11
    Member
    7408 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I voted that you and Fiance are right.  And I come from a place of having to deal with a less than ideal Ex husband as well.  People ask me why we put up with what we do, but honestly- they do not know all the details and it is not their decision to make.  When my child is a grown woman and asks me about her bio dad- I want to be able to honestly answer that I tried my best and put her feelings first.  To clarify- my CHILD not the EX is to be put first.  Now sometimes, the ex reaps the benefits of that.  But keeping her from her bio dad is not the answer.  It sounds like you have a good system in place with his aunt and uncle and if you can trust them, then I dont see the problem, as long as the ex is never left alone with the child.  Your FI’s family needs to butt out.

    Post # 12
    Member
    389 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @momannonbee:  Thanks for the clarification! In that case, I say, you and your ex and everyone involved is doing the best to give your child a great relationship with his dad and everyone who disagrees needs to shut their mouth. I really admire you for your strength, I guess a lot of people would just give up in your situation and deprive father & son of a very important part of their lives. You’re a very good parent and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

    Post # 13
    Member
    13015 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    You are incredibly strong, and an amazing mother to see past your own hurt for the benefit of your child.  I think that because your ex is making an effort and really trying hard to be a better father, coupled with your proactive behavior in making sure the environment is safe for your child, you are doing an extraordinary thing.  It would be easier to cut your ex out of your life and write him off, but you recognize that your child does need his father. 

    Your Fiance sounds great for understanding the situation as well.  I think you need to tell his family that while you appreciate their concern, how you parent your child is an issue for you, your ex, and your Fiance.  They have no right to be involved in your parenting situation, as long as the child is well cared for and loved (obviously it’s okay for them to step in if there was an issue, but from what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like there is one at this point). 

    Post # 14
    Member
    743 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I don’t think a child “needs” anyone in particular, biological or adopted. A child needs people who love them and care for them. That said, you have done everything possible to give your child a chance at a relationship with his father and that is amazing of you. 

    Sometimes a relationship with a damaged parent can be damaging to the child, but you are clearly taking precautions to make sure that doesn’t happen. My god daughters father had/has issues with drugs, sleeping around, fighting. He has no access to his daughter because hes dangerous and wasn’t willing to try. He isn’t interested, which is probably worse than the rest to be honest. 

    The little girl in questions mum went to great lengths to allow visits while he was still interested but was very concious that his erratic visitation was confusing and upsetting for the little one. 

    Your Ex husband is very lucky to have you, and therby his son, in his life. I hope he appreciates that you don’t have to do what you are doing. Your Fiance sounds like a good man, even if he can’t adopt your son it isn’t birth or law that make a father 🙂 and theres no law saying a child can’t have two father figures. 

    Your first priority is your son of course, and then your relationship with Fiance. As long as those things are protected others (like your FIs family) shouldn’t comment on your business though I do think they in their way are thinking of you.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1659 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    You are such a strong lady to be working through all of this on your own. I do think that you’re doing the right thing by encouraging a relationship between your son and his dad, and I think that it would be really important for your son, your Fiance, and yourself to see a family counselor.

    You might be able to get some insight as to what the best relationship for you Fiance and your son is…I think that’s really important right now, especially because you mentioned Fiance wanting to adopt him. It will be really hard for your son to make out what the role of his father is vs. the role of your husband as he gets older, and I think that a counselor can really help all four of you figure out appropriate boundaries and roles for your family.

    I think that it’s hard for more traditional families to understand the not-so-nuclear family concept that is more common now than when they were establishing their families. Your FI’s family probably sees adoption as the only way to establish a “normal” family, but really, you have many more options. Good luck, and keep us updated 🙂

    Post # 16
    Member
    11272 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    OP: wow, you are incredibly patient and strong.

    @Anardana:  ditto

    The topic ‘I co parent with ex, FI's family doesn't approve (long)’ is closed to new replies.

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