My husbands and I have been arguing about a certain topic/activity for months now. Eventually, I decided on a reasonable compromise around it and we left it. The activity happened again two weeks ago at a friend’s house and my husband ignored the compromised boundaries we both agreed on, surrounding the activity and I was left feeling disrespected and hurt. We then had ANOTHER talk about it and three days later he did the said activity AGAIN, this time at his parents’ house. My mother in law could see I was upset and said: “I don’t want to interfere here, but can I give my opinion…”. I said no thank you, and I’d prefer that she didn’t “interfere” as this was something between my husband and I and no one there had enough perspective to give a reasonable opinion.” (we have been dealing with this for a few months now and discussed and decided our own thoughts around this – and it wasn’t something I wanted to share with anyone, especially his family). My husband was standing a few steps away, busy with the activity and came over when he saw his mom cry.
I knew I wasn’t going to achieve anything as my husband was going off about his mom weeping saying that “she can only do so much as a mother.. and she doesn’t know what to do anymore”.
I got up, apologized for upsetting her (I apologized to her, in front of my husband) and said that it wasn’t my intention to upset her, and said that I think it’s a good time for me to leave. I wasn’t going to stand there and have no one in my court, looking like a bitch wife. So I got into my car.
Another bit of perspective. If my husband informed me of the activity and played open cards with me, as we agreed – the whole evening would have been different. We agreed that when this activity comes up, he will give me a heads up and I can excuse myself from the environment – because I don’t like it and I don’t agree with it. Each to his own – and I will just politely go on about my own business. He didn’t warn me, which put me in an uncomfortable situation AGAIN (by now we’ve made it clear that my husband knows how I feel about it). He knew how I felt about it, how it makes me feel and ignored it. And when I got upset, I was left alone and later blamed for upsetting mum (nevermind my feelings). Even after I explained the situation, he still wanted me to go back and apologize to mum. I eventually sent flowers and apologized for how the evening ended (I said nothing about feeling “sorry” for setting a boundary). Last night on our way to his parents I felt sick to my stomach and he went off and said I hate his family. I said to him I want to get along with his family, I don’t hate them, but he needs to be in my court and support my boundaries when and if I don’t want their opinion. This counts for when we have kids one day too. I will not have someone hovering over me, telling me my kids look cold.. or too warm, or hungry (she does this with my sister-in-law all the time).
He got angry and told me he didn’t know he had to pick between his spouse and his family one day. He and his family are close-knit, and he gets it that people think its “weird”… They are his family and he doesn’t think its fair of me to pick between them. (I never said choose me or them, I said be on my side…. back me up.) So basically, he made it clear that given the circumstances, when it comes to me, my opinions and my values – limits, and boundaries I try to create to make our marriage a safe space that belongs to US (our little intimate marriage bubble), they are nothing when faced with those of his parent’s wants and needs.