I come second….

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
10040 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yikes. I’m not one to jump right to therapy but it sounds like you have quite the unicorn DuH.

Your spouse should always come before your parents IMO.

Post # 3
3350 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

View original reply
thegoodishwife :  bee…you already know the answer. he’s not choosing you now, he’s gaslighting you by telling you that you’re crazy for wanting him in your court and respecting your boundaries, and he’s emoitionally manipulating you by telling you what a terrible situation you’ve put him in.

i know it sucks. but the answer is obvious.

Post # 4
5244 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

What did you say to your Mother-In-Law and did your husband also think you were “mean”?  How has she been interfering? 

Has this been an issue before? 

My husband makes me sound crazy, and that I’m putting him in a terrible position by asking him to choose between me and his family (which is NOT what I want, I just want him to put me and our marriage first)

Can you explain some of the ways you feel he isn’t putting your marriage first? 

Post # 5
1993 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Sorry bee I wouldn’t be okay with this. When he made vows to you I’m assuming he said he would forsake all others and put you first. He chose you and therefore chose to honor, love, and support YOU. He can and should be able to have a good relationship with the people who raised him but it shouldn’t come at your expense.  There’s boundaries in every relationship especially a marriage and your husband isn’t honoring that. I would have a serious discussion with him about what boundaries you are comfortable with and make it clear that you aren’t exiling his mother but simply setting boundaries that she shouldn’t over step. If he wasn’t ready to give up running to mommy for all his life choices he shouldn’t have gotten married. You should come first now bottom line. 

Post # 6
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Oh wow, that’s tough. It’s so easy to feel defeated when the one person who is supposed to be in your corner, retreats to someone else’s corner instead. I would be livid if I were in your situation (again lol).

There’s obviously not nearly enough context to start screaming DUMP HIM, but agree with one of the PPs to seek marriage therapy. It sounds like 1) you and your husband need to have a sitdown to discuss and understand each other’s feelings, and then determine healthy boundaries that work for both of you, 2) you and your husband then need to firmly communicate those boundaries to Mother-In-Law, leaving no room for interpretation, and 3) once the boundaries are defined and communicated to Mother-In-Law, your husband needs to commit to enforcing those healthy boundaries, despite what kind of hissy fit Mother-In-Law may choose to throw.

Post # 7
7980 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Is this a reasonable boundary? You have several posts about hating your ILs, wanting to control who your husband hangs out with, etc. 

Post # 8
2329 posts
Buzzing bee

This would be my HTDO. And I would never ever even consider having children with my husband if he made me doubt for one instant that he would choose me and our children over his FOO.

I really feel for you. If you have a child with this man before this is settled, the inlaw crazies will likely ramp up, and so, too, will your unhappiness stuck in a marriage with a man who would rather defend and consol his mommy over his wife and child.

ETA: After reading through your other threads…. You’ve got a HUGE DuH problem. He invites his toxic friends around, behaves like an irresponsible (and unmarried) frat boy, becomes defense and gaslighty in arguments, and now we find out he’s married to mommy. I could have guessed he was a momma’s boy from reading the previous threads. He’s seriously lacking in maturity and self-awareness, and seems to have raging Peter Pan Syndrome.

Post # 9
423 posts
Helper bee

More context is needed here. What was the boundary? Was your husband in agreement with the boundary? Why were you the one who spoke with her about it instead of him? 

Post # 10
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

We really need more.  You’re making a lot of conclusions about how he should act without any specifics as to the context – backstory, what was said in the moment, how your husband has treated you vs. mom in the past.  Sorry, but your spouse doesn’t need to ALWAYS choose you if you are contributing to the chaos. 

Post # 11
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I dated a momma’s boy once, and learned my lesson from it.

You haven’t given much detail, but if he’s a true momma’s boy (i.e., lacking in proper boundaries and emotionally enmeshed with her), then it’d be a dealbreaker for me.

Were you aware of his interfering mom and his lack of boundaries before you married him? 

Post # 12
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Do not conceive until this is worked out, one way or the other.

Go to DWIL. They give excellent advice and support; they also have a list of questions to use to vet a couple’s counselor, which you desperately need.

He vowed to foresake all others when you were married, but he seems to be married to his mother. I’m so sorry. Two-card him (after consulting DWIL).

Post # 15
9440 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
thegoodishwife :  if your husband doesn’t respect your boundaries then that’s the first problem – not the in laws. I honestly wouldn’t have children in this situation until it’s resolved. My husband and I don’t always agree on every boundary with our families of origin, but it’s over really minor stuff. When I had our daughter my husband was the first person to shut his mother down and tell her that she crossed a boundary because he knew I was too vulnerable and exhausted to keep trying to set the boundary myself (I had tried and she ran over it). I didn’t even need to ask. It doesn’t sound like your husband would do that for you right now. 

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