(Closed) I COMPLETELY SCREWED UP

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Gently put, you’re screwed. You emotionally cheated. You actively broke the boundaries of your relationship. If by some miracle this guy wants to stay with you, I’d advise counseling as to figure out why you felt the need to act on the choice to cheat and proverbially shoot yourself in the foot concerning your relationship. 

Post # 3
Member
451 posts
Helper bee

It’s a disservice to call this a “rough patch”.

You have engaged multiple times in emotional cheating, and you go on and on about how broken up you are about … being caught. I’d have sympathy if you told him the truth once confronted, but you didn’t. And you even feel the need to try to him him to “hear your side of things”? That it’s okay because somehow you thought it was ‘just a game’? Please. So, yeah, you’re upset about being caught.

I don’t believe this type of betrayal can be come back from. Leave your SO, work through this and why you thought the behavior was okay, and learn from the experience to not betray the next person who opens their heart to you. That’s all you can do.

Post # 4
Member
6412 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
mimibee23 :  You screwed up.  But you know that.  Regardless of who started what, you didn’t stop it when you should have.  And you may not physically cheated, you emotionally did.  And I don’t think he’s ready to work on your relationship because he’s going to have trouble trusting you again.

Post # 5
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Also, honesty is all you can offer now. He knows now from a third party – NOT the person who he trusted. My only advice is prepare for the worst and have your finances secure. 

Post # 6
Member
3088 posts
Sugar bee

If I was your SO, yeah, you would be screwed and I would not take you back. Just keeping it real here. In addition, you knew he had a girlfriend who was pregnant. AFter not stopping even though she basically confronted you, you decided to start back up again with this man. See it as a lesson learned but even if he comes back, rebuilding trust is not easy but good luck.

Post # 7
Hostess
9084 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

View original reply
mimibee23 :  Honey, I say this with kindess but a relationship that has so many rough patches cannot possibly be that good. A relationship which allows to you think that online flirting is ok, cannot be possibly that good. If you really cherished your relationship a) you wouldn’t have done or it or b) at the very least, when you realised it was wrong you should have owned up.

It sounds like you were given fair warning (BTW I think it is shitty that X somehow teamed up with his SO to throw it all back at you, it sounds like he has probably be telling lies at his end to rescue his relationship) and you should have come clean.

 

To be honest, this would be a deal breaker for most people so I wouldn’t be expecting my ex to be taking me back any time soon. I know it hurts but you made your bed.

Post # 8
Hostess
4394 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I don’t think I would try to salvage this.  Obviously there is something huge missing from your relationship, or you wouldn’t be seeking attention elsewhere.  So why try to save something you were dissatisfied with in the first place? I think on some level you’re just upset because you hate that you got caught in all your lies, not because this relationship is ending. It sucks that someone else had to reveal the truth to your SO, but it’s done now. Probably just time to move on, work on yourself, and let him find someone who will be faithful. You can learn a lot from this fiasco, like when you are unhappy in a relationship, you should communicate or leave, not seek someone else on the side.  I’ve been in your shoes, it is possible to come back from this and enter into a healthy relationship, but it takes work! 

Post # 9
Member
3237 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

You didn’t stop this so you are guilty. I think the best thing you can do is tell him the truth. I’m not sure that you can comeback from this. In the future you should block people like X. I get that it’s flattering to have guys flirt with you but it’s ultimately disrespectful to your relationship. You aren’t a bad person for having this happen you just need to learn from this. 

Post # 10
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Embrace that you’ve truly hurt him and that it will take you a LONG and HUGE effort to gain back his trust -if he accepts to forgive you- and return the relationship to normality. You will never stop feeling guilty, but with time you will both move on. 

I think the only way to approach him is with complete honesty. Accept your mistakes and do not try to blame it on him or the rough patch you mentioned. Perhaps search into counseling alone to see why you acted out that way. Express your feelings and make a compromise to become a better person. Listen to what he has to say and understand that this is no longer about what you did or why you did it, but about the pain you have caused him and what you are willing to do to set things right. You are to be blamed, do not fight that.

Accept, also, that he might not want you back. You betrayed hos trust -for whatever reason- and if this is a dealbreaker for him, you’ll have to let him go. It will hurt, but hopefully you’ll learn something from this.

Post # 11
Member
10548 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

It will never be the same. You shot your relationship in the stomach. You can take the bullet out and stitch up the wound but you’ll always have a giant scar that will never go away and never get better.

Honestly, whenever someone says they’ve “been through so much” in their relationship or had frequent rough patches I always raise a brow. Its possible to be in a relationship without having rough patches or “going through so much together”.

My advice, leave things broken off. Obviously if you can emotionally cheat numerous times then you aren’t really truly in the right relationship or totally in love with your SO. You might think you are but really you aren’t.

Post # 12
Member
2852 posts
Sugar bee

If I were your SO I’d be done.  With a capital D.

Post # 13
Member
6959 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I mean, it’s not like this was a couple text messages one day that got out of hand. You were carrying on an emotional affair with this guy for what sounds like months. If I was your ex I wouldn’t take you back. You completely shattered his trust. And you didn’t even own up to it. He had to find out from someone else. And then, when he confronted you about it, you lied again! There’s no coming back from that for me. 

You need to realize that this relationship was obviously not so perfect. You describe numerous “rough patches” in the course of just 4 years. And if it was so perfect, why were you continuously flirting with some other guy? 

Post # 14
Member
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

You could try to salvage your relationship, but he won’t ever trust you the same way again. I mean, ever. That’s going to put a strain on both of you. You do deserve a chance to change because you are a human being and people make mistakes, but it is INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT to navigate the waters of a relationship after infedility, even emotional cheating. Regardless of what happens next, you are obviously going to speak to him again, so I suggest you really confront the possibility that it is over and approach the conversation from that honest angle. You do not have a side of the story. What you did was wrong. All the context and all your doubts and requests for him to stop are completely irrelevant. Although he is an ass, his actions are not what matters here. This is between you and your SO. No one else is to blame for what you did. Apologize. Be sorry. Don’t make excuses. Listen to him. He’s probably going to be really mean. Hear it (unless it becomes abusive) and apologize more specifically for what he is feeling. If that time comes when he says that it’s too broken to fix, accept that. Know that you are doing yourself a favor by accepting this, because trying to shoehorn a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust you is painful and uncomfortable and–even though you cheated–less than you deserve. You can’t change what you did. You can only affect what happens next. You hurt someone you care about, so make sure he knows you’re sorry, and then let him deal with the situation in the way that makes sense for him, even if it means breaking up.

After that, be better. Today is a new day and you are only 25. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, but you need to be mindful of how your decisions and your behavior affects your partner. When you build a relationship for life, little lies can turn into big lies and–besides being a bad partner–you can find yourself feeling very alone. If necessary, see if you can get some counseling, just to check in with yourself and make sure you aren’t engaging in other self-destructive or self-isolating behavior. Take care bee, I wish you all the best. 

Post # 15
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

Wow. Crazy how some people on here can be so heartless with their words… that’s online social media for you! If you were to ask them for advice to their face the majority would never respond this way. Anyways, to my point. I have not been where you are. However, I am not in your relationship and neither are any of these other posters. Therefore, it doesn’t matter what happened to them or their thoughts on what they would do to you if they were your SO. The best advice a counselor would give you (which yes, you should see one, hopefully together) would be to accept responsibility and tell him the absoolute truth. Hide nothing. Start with the night you and the guy met. Show all texts, messages, etc. From the guy and his girlfriend. Never blame your SO for any of it, not the rough patch, or anything. Refrain from using the word “you” through the entire conversation. And yes, give him space, don’t hound him for immediate decisions. Those aren’t usually the best anyway. I truely hope that whatever happens you will find peace in it!

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