Post # 1
I’m so confused. My SO and I look at rings last May. Yeah, that’s right, about 10 months ago! After we looked at rings I didn’t bring it up for months…probably close to seven months. Then I started to get a little anxious, and I started looking at rings online. I would tell my SO that I was looking at rings, and it seemed to light a little fire under his ass that he better have been serious when we looked together!
So this past Saturday night, he took me out to dinner for a late Valentine’s Day. It was a great dinner, and after several… actually a couple too many…drinks, I start blabbering about marriage. I asked him what his timeline was, and he was saying we get married anywhere from 5 to 6 years from now! And he has said in the past that he wants to being engaged for roughly a year, and then he had the audacity to say he wanted to start having kids a year after we got married! I seriously could’ve slapped him… Why did we look at rings almost a year ago, if he doesn’t have plans to propose for four more years!?!? We’ve already been together for almost 3 years now, I don’t know what makes him think I’m fine with waiting that long. He was the one who brought up looking at rings in the first place!
So the next night, after I sobered up of course, we had a very long discussion… And basically he told me he wanted to look at rings a long time ago so that he knew what I liked for future reference… And he really had no intentions of buying a ring anytime soon. I don’t understand why he doesn’t realize he was leading me on… And I feel completely miserable. He tried to reassure me for a very long time at that he will marry me and he wants the proposal to be something special… As well as the ring. I don’t think he understands that the fact we’ve been living together for year, and could potentially be living together for another five before we get married, is going to drive me freaking crazy. He has the money, he has his own house, he talked about marriage a lot and we’ve been to plenty of weddings together… He tries to get me to talk about planning vacations and buying cars together… There’s no way I’m going to be doing any of this with him if he doesn’t give me what I want in return!
I’m sorry this is such a rant… But I don’t understand how we doesn’t get the fact that bringing up rings almost a year ago is going to completely wreck me for the next few years. How am I supposed to think that he wants to marry me, when I thought he wanted to marry me a year ago? It feels like he’s changed his mind out of nowhere… And as much as he tried to convince me that that’s not true, because I did tell him that’s what it felt like, I still feel like for some reason he’s changed his mind. I feel more miserable as the days go on, even though its only been two days! He told me to just drop it… Because according to him, I bring it up too often… Which is ridiculous, because I think I’ve brought up proposing/wedding/engagements maybe once a month? At least up until recently… Because I’ve been going stir crazy! I want to talk tohim about it more, but I he basically told me to join a shut it up pact. I feel so miserable… I dont know what to do. I feel myself withdrawing from him, and I don’t really want to talk to him anymore. Maybe I just need time to get over it…? Thanks for reading… It’s certainly made me feel better to get this all out on paper.
Post # 3
I’m sorry you’re going through this =( I really wish I had helpful advice but my advice is usually to talk to him and it doesn’t seem he’s being receptive at ALL. I hope some other bees can give you some advice.
Post # 4
@soontobemrsm11: It’s not that he’s totally unreceptive, but he says the more I talk about it the more I push it off. I feel like if it’s not going to happen for years… Why not talk about it today and make myself feel better? I feel like there’s still a chance he was trying to throw me off… But even then, it’s still going to be a while. I just don’t know what to do… I think he feels like we closed the topic the last time we talked about it, and I still feel miserable.
ETA: I also feel like because I have waited a few days, that he’s just going to get annoyed that I bring it up again… And that he’ll know that I’ve been thinking about it nonstop since the day we fought.
Post # 5
@kendra389: Wow!!!! Guys are so effing clueless sometimes. I would feel EXACTYLY the same way if I were you. Sorry I don’t have any good advice…I really don’t know what I would do. How old are you both?
Post # 6
@sillysillybee: He is 27, and I am only 22. I graduate this spring, where is he has been in the workforce for about five years now. I thought maybe he was waiting until I graduate… But the way he’s been talking lately, I don’t know what to think! He really hurt my feelings… I can’t believe how clueless he was about the ring shopping! I’m so annoyed, angry, confused… Like I said, just plain miserable!
Post # 7
I think you should have a long talk with him again. Explain to him once again about how you thought marriage would be taking place sooner since you looked at the rings, and how surprised/disapponted you are that he is delaying it.
Ask him what specifically he is waiting for after x number of years….? If he is not waiting for anything specific, then why does he have to wait for so long?
Most importantly, how do you feel? Do you feel love and cherished by him? Would you be happy waiting for another 5 years? Or would you be nervous and jittery over this period of time? You need to know what you want and what kind of relationship would make you happy. Would you feel happy if you are just ‘waiting around’ and would you feel like you are being tested? (I would.)
However, ths varies a lot from person to person. Some people may not mind waiting around, but it would drive me crazy!
Post # 8
@beedazzling: That is a very good point… Or rather, many good points! I didn’t want to make this post be 500 pages long… But realistically I could go on forever about our relationship, LOL!
Essentially, I thought I was going to be going to vet school this coming fall. Unfortunately, I was not accepted into any schools… The glory of being an out-of-state student. I feel like my SO was planning To propose before I went to vet school… Even though he kept saying it would be when I was almost done with vet school. I thought he was doing this just to throw me off…. Well, now that I don’t know what my plans are for school, I feel like this might be playing a role on his timeline. I feel like now I have even more pressure to get into vet school, because if I don’t he’s not going to propose… Which is silly, but that’s how I feel! I feel like I have to walk On tip-toes just to please him, and I have to try extra hard to get into vet school to get a ring! obviously I’m trying as hard as I can to get into school because that’s my dream, but I feel like he’s adding more pressure to the situation… I don’t know! Like you said, if he knows he wants to marry me, he should just propose already!
To be fair, he is extremely loving to me and I adore all the time we spend together. I just feel rather confused… I don’t understand why the wait. I also don’t feel comfortable planning vacations with him when we are not officially together, especially since we are planning vacations years in advance. He wants to plan cruises, trips, etc.… And I’m not comfortable with that unless I know we’re definitely going to be together! Maybe this is his way of saying that we are going to be together… But I want him to say it a different way (with a ring!)
Post # 9
@kendra389: Big hugs. I can imagine how sad and confused you are feeling right now!
I think that you should have a good talk with him about timelines. Tell him that you would feel a lot better planning your life if you knew how things would be (approximately) for the next few years. (BTW I don’t really understand how engagement and vet school are related….why does one have to depend on the other?) Tell him that you love him very much but that you do not want the relationship to be stagnant, and that you want to feel like things are progressing. I am sure that he is very loving towards you, but at the end of the day his actions (commitment) speak louder than words. If you have any doubts that he wont carry through (after having a good talk witn him), then maybe you should reevaluate things.
Please do not be scared when talking to him—-tell him that you think two people who are in a serious committed relationship shoudl be able to talk about expectations/life goals. At the end of the day, if his life goal is really to wait around 5 more years and it does not match your goal, at least you will know honestly how the situation is and then decide if you want to wait around.
In my opinion (and this may not be shared by many bees here)—-I feel like if a man is making you wait needlessly for a long time (e.g. without reasons like finance, career etc), he is just not very sincere/eager about keeping you for life. E.g. if you like a house a lot, you would try to make an offer asap. Unfortunately, many men tend to do things very slowly so I know that there is no clear black and white answer sometimes.
I understand your reluctance to plan trips—for many things (e.g. hotels, flights) there are steep penalties for cancelling.
I know having this talk is scary but maybe you can write everything down in advance so that you can say things without crying/getting flustered etc. (I tend to be very emotional when I talk!)
After finding out his thoughts/reasoning about why he wants to wait, maybe that will bring some clarity for you. (However, even if he has a good reason for waiting, I am curious to know if you would still want to wait for another 5 years?) Is he open to the idea of a longer engagement? (I am not a fan of long engagements but would this make you feel better?)
Post # 10
I have no usesful advice for you but I really wanted to say I’m sorry you have to go through this, I can’t imagine how stressed you must be! **hugs**
Post # 11
@kendra389: I’m so sorry you are in this situation, especially because I can relate to what you are going through… SO and I looked at rings last June and I feel like I am completely insane sometimes. I have a timeline, and to be honest, it doesn’t help much- but he missed the last timeline so I have little faith. My best advice is to make sure he knows what you want and expect- you won’t get what you need unless you tell your man- men can’t read minds and they don’t take hints! I hope you can have a conversation with him that gives you some clarity- and try not to use the words engagement and marriage as much as future, commitment, or next step- make it clear you want a marriage and not a ring with a rock. Good luck! <3
Post # 12
@beedazzling: My SO is extremely successful, and has always been attracted to my dream of vet school…and as much as he supported me when I was rejected by school after school… feel feel like he thinks he’s off the hook for proposing since I’m not going away to school anymore. Like he has more time now that I’ll be living with him for at least another year 🙁 As for a loengagement, I’m the one who wants one! At least then I know the relationship is moving forward
Thanks! I need all the support I can get…
I may wait to have another talk with him until he brings up the cruise again…he wants to go next year sometime, and financially and emotionally I’m not ready to commit to something next year if he cannot commit to me this year…
Post # 13
@beedazzling: +1. my eyebrows are a little raised about his putting it off like that.
I agree with beedazzling. I’m in no way trying to freak you out, but your situation seems to mirror one I was in at your age. I was 22 and dating a 28 year old who at first said and did all of the right things (talked about wanting a wife and stepmom to his young son). Fast foward 2 years into that mess and there’s no ring, but he sure didnt seem to mind the idea of us “playing house.” I finally got fed up and had what we call here in the south a “come to jesus” meeting. When i asked him what his intentions were, he scoffed and said “I dont want to be married again for at LEAST 5 more years. Will it be you? I dont know.”
Needless to say that was the end of that. It took him 2 years to tell me his intentions? Please.
I’m a fair bit older now, and what I learned in that situation is that just because he’s close to 30 does not mean he’s close to wanting to get locked down. Some guys by 25 are ready to have a marriage and family…..but ALOT arent, and he was one of those. But at 22, I assumed since he was “older and established” that he would want the same things as me.
You know how he feels (5-6 years), and now the ball is in your court. I cant speak for your situation, but for the one I was in, had I hung around 5 years, I STILL dont think he would have married me. Why? because if he knew that he wanted to marry me, why would he put it off so long?
I say proceed with caution on this one.
Post # 14
I don’t see the point of trying to continue with a relationship where you both have different goals. You want to be married asap, he doesn’t. That’s not going to change.
Post # 15
- Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo
@KC-2722: This is an old thread, OP got engaged two days ago 🙂
Post # 16
@MaidMarian: I love seeing these old posts about waiting bees getting upset and thinking it’s never gonna happen, then seeing them get engaged. Gives me hope!