(Closed) I could cry…

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’m sorry you’re going through this =( I really wish I had helpful advice but my advice is usually to talk to him and it doesn’t seem he’s being receptive at ALL. I hope some other bees can give you some advice.

Post # 5
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@kendra389:  Wow!!!! Guys are so effing clueless sometimes. I would feel EXACTYLY the same way if I were you. Sorry I don’t have any good advice…I really don’t know what I would do. How old are you both?

Post # 7
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think you should have a long talk with him again.  Explain to him once again about how you thought marriage would be taking place sooner since you looked at the rings, and how surprised/disapponted you are that he is delaying it.  

 

Ask him what specifically he is waiting for after x number of years….? If he is not waiting for anything specific, then why does he have to wait for so long?

 

Most importantly, how do you feel? Do you feel love and cherished by him?  Would you be happy waiting for another 5 years? Or would you be nervous and jittery over this period of time?  You need to know what you want and what kind of relationship would make you happy.  Would you feel happy if you are just ‘waiting around’ and would you feel like you are being tested? (I would.)

 

However, ths varies a lot from person to person.  Some people may not mind waiting around, but it would drive me crazy! 

Post # 9
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@kendra389:  Big hugs. I can imagine how sad and confused you are feeling right now!

 

I think that you should have a good talk with him about timelines.  Tell him that you would feel a lot better planning your life if you knew how things would be (approximately) for the next few years.  (BTW I don’t really understand how engagement and vet school are related….why does one have to depend on the other?)  Tell him that you love him very much but that you do not want the relationship to be stagnant, and that you want to feel like things are progressing.  I am sure that he is very loving towards you, but at the end of the day his actions (commitment) speak louder than words.  If you have any doubts that he wont carry through (after having a good talk witn him), then maybe you should reevaluate things. 

Please do not be scared when talking to him—-tell him that you think two people who are in a serious committed relationship shoudl be able to talk about expectations/life goals.  At the end of the day, if his life goal is really to wait around 5 more years and it does not match your goal, at least you will know honestly how the situation is and then decide  if you want to wait around. 

In my opinion (and this may not be shared by many bees here)—-I feel like if a man is making you wait needlessly for a long time (e.g. without reasons like finance, career etc), he is just not very sincere/eager about keeping you for life. E.g. if you like a house a lot, you would try to make an offer asap.  Unfortunately, many men tend to do things very slowly so I know that there is no clear black and white answer sometimes. 

I understand your reluctance to plan trips—for many things (e.g. hotels, flights) there are steep penalties for cancelling. 

I know having this talk is scary but maybe you can write everything down in advance so that you can say things without crying/getting flustered etc.  (I tend to be very emotional when I talk!)

After finding out his thoughts/reasoning about why he wants to wait, maybe that will bring some clarity for you.  (However, even if he has a good reason for waiting, I am curious to know if you would still want to wait for another 5 years?)  Is he open to the idea of a longer engagement? (I am not a fan of long engagements but would this make you feel better?) 

Post # 10
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I have no usesful advice for you but I really wanted to say I’m sorry you have to go through this, I can’t imagine how stressed you must be! **hugs**

Post # 11
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@kendra389:  I’m so sorry you are in this situation, especially because I can relate to what you are going through… SO and I looked at rings last June and I feel like I am completely insane sometimes.  I have a timeline, and to be honest, it doesn’t help much- but he missed the last timeline so I have little faith.  My best advice is to make sure he knows what you want and expect- you won’t get what you need unless you tell your man- men can’t read minds and they don’t take hints!  I hope you can have a conversation with him that gives you some clarity- and try not to use the words engagement and marriage as much as future, commitment, or next step- make it clear you want a marriage and not a ring with a rock.  Good luck! <3

Post # 13
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@beedazzling:  +1. my eyebrows are a little raised about his putting it off like that.

@kendra389:  I agree with beedazzling.  I’m in no way trying to freak you out, but your situation seems to mirror one I was in at your age.  I was 22 and dating a 28 year old who at first said and did all of the right things (talked about wanting a wife and stepmom to his young son).  Fast foward 2 years into that mess and there’s no ring, but he sure didnt seem to mind the idea of us “playing house.”  I finally got fed up and had what we call here in the south a “come to jesus” meeting.  When i asked him what his intentions were, he scoffed and said “I dont want to be married again for at LEAST 5 more years.  Will it be you? I dont know.”

Needless to say that was the end of that. It took him 2 years to tell me his intentions? Please.

I’m a fair bit older now, and what I learned in that situation is that just because he’s close to 30 does not mean he’s close to wanting to get locked down.  Some guys by 25 are ready to have a marriage and family…..but ALOT arent, and he was one of those.  But at 22, I assumed since he was “older and established” that he would want the same things as me.

You know how he feels (5-6 years), and now the ball is in your court. I cant speak for your situation, but for the one I was in, had I hung around 5 years, I STILL dont think he would have married me. Why? because if he knew that he wanted to marry me, why would he put it off so long?

I say proceed with caution on this one.

Post # 14
Member
4702 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t see the point of trying to continue with a relationship where you both have different goals. You want to be married asap, he doesn’t. That’s not going to change.

 

Post # 15
Member
1459 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

@KC-2722:  This is an old thread, OP got engaged two days ago 🙂

Post # 16
Member
1541 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@MaidMarian:  I love seeing these old posts about waiting bees getting upset and thinking it’s never gonna happen, then seeing them get engaged. Gives me hope!

 

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