Post # 1
Ok. Need some opinions.
At the end of this year I’ll be taking 2 months of leave. 2 weeks will be used for our honeymoon, which leaves me with an additional 1.5 months to work with. I have an opportunity to travel to Europe to see family and the flight would be free. Unfortunately, Darling Husband doesn’t have the luxury of a shit-ton of vacation time to use so he’ll only be able to take off for our honeymoon and go right back to work. I was toying around with the idea of going to see my family for a week or so before the honeymoon and recently asked Darling Husband what his thoughts were.
This is really the only opportunity I have for something this great. I feel after almost 9 years of working full time while going to college to earn 2 AAs and a BS and putting up with so much shit at work AND the fact that we don’t have kids yet but will soon…I just feel like I earned it and would be stupid not to take advantage.
Darling Husband said he would be jealous. He wouldn’t resent me. But he’d be really jealous. I understand that. I would be jealous as well. But I would also understand and I would want him to go and I would be excited for him. My problem lies in the fact that when I asked how he felt about it he just went on and on about how jealous he would be, how he feels I could work for someone else during those 2 months and pull in a double income (it’s complicated), and more about how jealous he would be, and upset if I went to Japan instead of Europe to see my brother because he’s always wanted to go. Long story short- he made me feel like a shit bag for asking. I was so excited about the opportunity and now I just feel selfish and resentful. I explained to him that his response disappointed me and despite the fact that he said he wouldn’t want to keep me from taking advantage of this opportunity, the amount of guilt he was laying on outweighed any positive responses. It was “negative, negative, negative, but I wouldn’t want to stand between you going, negative, negative, negative.”
I had hoped for more support. This is really a once in a lifetime opportunity but he has completely deflated me. I make an excellent living, I’m the breadwinner, I work hard, I bought us a house (we weren’t married yet and it’s my home), paid off most of his debt, paid his expenses so he could make a huge career change that would set him back financially for almost a year, I paid for most of 2 of our vacations when we were still dating…the point is that I had hoped for a little more support after how I’ve supported us. Perhaps a “This is exciting. After everything that’s happened, you deserve it, I love you. And it’s free! Why not?!”
I guess I just want to know what to do, what my next step should be. I haven’t seen my family in Europe for over 10 years and feel like I would be resentful of him if I don’t go. What would you do?
Post # 4
I would go. Why should he hold you back..so you can both be unhappy? He can plan some fun stuff with the guys and miss you.
I would just tell him look I’m going to see my family. Sorry you can’t go this time but it’s a good opportunity for me. Just leave it at that and he will cool off eventually.
Post # 5
As a side note I doubt you would make him feel badly for wanting to see his family. Why is he being so unfair?
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Um, go visit your family! That is a jealously thing he needs to get over pronto. Are you going to just not see your family ever again unless he can travel with you? He needs to grow up, put on his big girl panties and get over it.
Post # 7
I think if you can afford to go, you should. This is family you may not see for a long time, especially if you guys are going to think about having children soon.
Could you maybe go to Europe for the two weeks you are taking for your honeymoon instead of honeymooning wherever you have planned? It would be a compromise. But, that way you aren’t resenting him and he isn’t resenting you for going.
Post # 9
I would go. The free time is there and its free!! It sucks that he can’t go, but why bring down both of you. You can go and you can still go back later with him when he CAN go. There’s no reason why both of you should miss out on this chance. I’ve gotten to travel a bit for work, while my husband stayed home. I explored a few places without him while I was there. Did it suck that he couldn’t experience it with me? Yes. Should I have not taken that chance to do it? No, I don’t think so. If he really wants to go back to those places, I’ll go back with him…. if not, I got my chance to see it. Now it’s his turn to travel for work to some place I haven’t been. Can he turn it down and not go? yes, should he? No! I think with or without each other, if the opportunity gets dropped in your lap, you should go. One person should not be holding the other back just out of jealousy.
Post # 10
So you are getting married, going to Europe solo and then going on your honeymoon?
ETA: I had a semi-similar argument with my Darling Husband yesterday. I’m in a wedding and the bachelorette is in Vegas, money is tight so a separate vacation for the two of us is unlikely. He is upset and I’m sure if our positions were reversed I would feel the same way. That said, I’m going and he is going to have to deal with it.
Post # 11
@beachbride1216: +1 this!
I get the jealousy thing – I mean who wouldn’t be jealous that your SO was in Europe…for free…for a week or more..? – but like PP said, his support for you getting to see your family should overshadow that jealousy. I’d go fo sho! 😉 But I’m really head strong, so that may be just me!
Post # 12
@VikingPrincess: I don’t know why he isn’t being supportive. He told me that I asked for his honest opinion (and I did) and his honest opinion is that he would be really jealous. He also made the argument that we could always go to Europe in the future. But I feel like the future isn’t the point. We’ll have kids, it’ll be more expensive and difficult. It’s FREE! And I’d be going by myself for only a week or so. I think I’m more upset that he couldn’t just say something supportive. He couldn’t just say, “I’d honestly be terribly jealous, but I’m so happy for you and you should absolutely go.” Why is that so hard? I even pointed out that he was being super negative. I want to approach him about it again because I don’t know if I’d be comfortable going without his support and I definitely don’t want to feel guilty for going – because I shouldn’t have to feel that way.
@beachbride1216: I agree. But how do I approach him about it? I tend to suffer a lot of Catholic guilt and I never want my actions to hurt others so him being this way makes me feel like I shouldn’t even go. But I want to. And I would resent him if I didn’t. Like a catch-22.
Post # 13
Definitely go see your family. It’s not like you don’t want him to go, he simply can’t and that’s not your fault. I get that he’s jealous, I would be too, but that’s no reason to make you feel like shit. You’re getting a free flight to Europe! That’s like over $1,000 plane ticket for free!!
To put it in perspective, my Fiance went to Vegas last year and I was crazy jealous that I couldn’t go (stupid bach party thing). Especially when they all got back and wouldn’t shut up about it. BUT I never once made him feel bad for going and I never once asked him not to go.
Post # 14
@claireos: First, don’t worry about the paragraphs. We can see them, but you, as the OP, cannot. It’s a glitch in the software that the powers-that-bee are working to fix.
As for the situation you described, I can only say that, in my opinion, your Darling Husband is being EXTREMELY selfish and is not truly showing love for you by the way he is behaving about this. He is clearly putting his own selfish interests ahead of his wife’s opportunity to do something wonderful.
I completely understand why he would want to go and that he would be very disappointed that he cannot join you, but I don’t think he’s handling this very well.
Having said all of that, in my own case, I would not be able to go unless my husband approved. However, I would hope my own husband would not only approve but also be enthusiastic about what would be a wonderful opportunity for me.
Post # 15
Post # 16
I agree that you should go, and he should be so much more supportive. It’s your family for goodness sake! You’ve got the time, it sucks that he doesn’t but it would be free and it definitely sounds like you deserve it! And it is true that once passed up, you may never get this chance again when kids come along and life gets in the way. If I were you, his immature behavior about the entire thing would tick me off more than anything.